No. 2356
Managing our own behaviour
It is not always easy to look for hidden messages when a child is pushing your buttons. It is far simpler to say, "I don't give a hoot why this kid is provoking me. She needs discipline – now!" We bark out the words, reach for our behavior management tools, and often, in the heat of anger, misuse them. Why? Because we are "wired" for self-protection and, when threatened, may react to provoking situations in vengeful, nonproductive ways.
Why do many caring adults become so upset with children that they react to them in nonproductive ways? One major reason is that when children in our care misbehave, we are likely to feel inadequate and psychologically attacked. Upon experiencing such an assault to our self-esteem, we are apt to retaliate by yelling, intimidating, and inappropriately disciplining them. The crux of the problem is that when kids act out, we tend to take it personally, because we feel that their behavior is a reflection of who we are.
The key to good behavior management is staying cool and responding to situations rather than reacting to them. Responding requires us to acknowledge the fragility of our self-esteem, then take time to look for the message behind distressing behavior, rather than immediately levy consequences. To do this we must first learn to manage our own behavior.
— Charlie Appelstein, No Such Thing As a Bad Kid: Understanding and Responding to the Challenging Behavior of Troubled Children and Youth
http://www.charliea.com/nobadkid.html
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