No.. 2092
Families and the Circle of Courage
The Circle of Courage philosophy encourages thoughts about the importance of courage in the lives of children and young people — the courage to face what life offers and the resilience to handle life's challenges (Brendtro, Brokenleg, & Van Bockern, 2002). Belonging, mastery, independence, and generosity, the four areas identified by the Circle of Courage, are pathways to help young people develop their strengths. This article shifts the focus to how the four needs or values interplay with families.
Families need courage
and resilience, too
Life is not always easy for families. All families face challenges. In some
cases these challenges take wellknown forms. Unemployment, illness, death,
and changing social circumstances are difficult markers that most families
experience. But families also face the challenges of everyday occurrences.
Seemingly small events — a toilet that stops working, a missed doctor's
appointment, getting the oil changed in the car — can gather like clouds and
demand all of the energy and resources of the family.
The family which belongs, possesses mastery, and lives with independence and generosity is a resilient family that can face these storms. The resilient family, like the resilient young person, is better able to meet life's ongoing challenges, big or small.
The following discussion begins with the premise that families can be a source of meeting basic human needs as embodied in the Circle of Courage. Examples are offered on what belonging, mastery, independence, and generosity might look like in familIes and how these values could be encouraged and developed. Discussion is organized around the four core values, recognizing these are interconnected.
Belonging
How do we belong in "family"?
Like all groups, or systems, families develop actions and activities which promote or maintain belonging. In the family of one of the authors, for example, it was tradition to receive a rifle at the age of twelve, a rite of passage accompanied by the ritual of presentation and first day hunting with father. In another family, adult children along with their children gather at Grandpa and Grandma's home every Sunday during the football season to eat pizza and enjoy their team's game. Other celebrations, like annual extended family picnics, reunions, or birthday parties may also contribute to the sense of belonging. Sharing old traditions like a special food or movie on the holidays, Grandma buying the first school outfit for each grandchild, placing mementos and pictures acknowledging family ancestors or memories in a prominent place, or attending the sporting events of family members and relatives — all of these say 'this is who we are' and foster a sense of family identity.
Where does our family belong?
Like individuals, families can belong in many groups. A family may, for example, belong in its neighborhood. One person described how all the families in his neighborhood, on a particular day, played musical instruments on their porches creating a neighborhood music fest. Another explained how the families in his neighborhood created their own recycling system. In the same way, families can belong to their community. Some attend sporting events, places of worship, or a local park. School becomes the place of belonging for many families. Often without knowing it, families find ways to enjoy their cultural history by connecting to their "tribe."
Mastery
What skills does a' family need to master in order to stay strong as a family?
In order to survive, be strong, and face life's challenges successfully, all families need to develop competency or mastery. They need to be able to face and manage adversity. They need to define and maintain boundaries. They need to manage the many transitions all families encounter. Change, the constant in everyone's life, has to be handled effectively. A family also needs to be skilled enough to protect the family unit against the many threats, large and small, which it faces. A resilient family knows how to love appropriately and to show caring for one another and for the extended family. Love, above all else, seems to us to be the family 'glue.' Love plays out in families in a myriad of ways. Non-judgmental communication (listen without "correcting"), sharing power in developmentally appropriate ways (letting a teenager negotiate curfew times), and teaching (how to cook a meal and set the table) are all ways that love can be demonstrated through action.
What competencies does a family need in order to be successful?
Families need to be skilled in identifying the constant threats and risks to unity. These threats and risks come from all directions in a culture that promotes material possessions, domination, competition, and self-sufficiency. In order to manage threats and risks, families also need to be able to identify and access the resources necessary to assist them in times of stress. One of the most significant skills is the ability to connect with other families for support through turbulent times. Above all else, families need to create the context for everyone to become both emotionally and intellectually competent. Families have the advantage of number. When all are prepared to do battle with the inevitable challenges and changes, prepared warriors make a difference. It may seem counter-intuitive, but the best way to prepare family warriors is to create the opportunity for all to experience love and connectedness.
Independence
How might families encourage independence?
Families which are able to encourage independence are safe and secure places. Individual family members and the family as a whole, in this safety net, learn that it is okay and it is not threatening to take the risks necessary to be themselves and to stand for what they believe. Independence results when the family feels comfortable exercising creativity to find solutions to everyday life issues and they are able to exercise self-control when stressed or passionately involved in situational events. In such a context, individual members, as well as the family as a whole, meet their need for independence. One family of four, when faced with the prospect of a dozen or more weekly activities (music, dance and sport lessons, clubs, and meetings) took the stand that each had to choose to eliminate at least one activity. Another family responded by clearing the calendar on a least one evening a week.
What might a family look like when it is showing responsible independence?
Like responsible young people, families are accountable to those with whom they co-exist — the neighbors and those with whom they interact. Independent families also consider the effects of their actions on others around them. While standing up for what they believe, independent families exercise self control in deciding 'how to be.' Sometimes it is necessary to break from tradition, to do things differently than their family did historically. Thus, if families move and find themselves in a new culture, an independent family will know how to adapt without giving up a sense of identity. For instance, a family that came from a neighborhood that prided itself on its well-watered lawns and flower gardens moved to a neighborhood that valued conservation of water. The lawns were not watered. The family, in the new neighborhood, kept the flowers watered but let the green lawn go. On a more significant level, independent families grow beyond a history of abuse by making a conscious decision to build a future different from the past.
Generosity
How might a family live in generosity?
Generous families appreciate and even celebrate diversity. Generous families recognize that each person is unique and special in his or her own way, as are the families. They encourage creativity of thought and action. They support individual members in finding their own way of being in the world. One of the most generous family acts is to demonstrate love towards one another and share moments of joy and pleasure. Generous families teach the young to learn about helping others and take the time to provide support when an individual experiences struggles. The family expresses caring through doing.things together that meet the interests and needs of all family members.
What might a 'generous' family look like in the community?
Communities are filled with families that demonstrate generosity. These families help out their neighbors in times of distress and regularly offer service to the community through service clubs, community organizations, or spontaneous acts of helping. They are concerned with how their way of living affects their neighbors, and they feel accountable to them, changing their way of living if it brings stress to the neighbors. They allow individuality and diversity in their community and are welcoming of newcomers. Families who demonstrate generosity also know that there is a purpose to family which transcends their own immediate needs, just as generous individuals know that there is a purpose to life greater than them.
Conclusion
The Circle of Courage philosophy gives new perspective to the needs of
families. Families need to belong, master living skills, and find ways to be
independent and generous. The Circle of Courage offers a way to reflect on
how to help families find, develop, and maintain those needs. Families need
courage and resilience. When the familiy's circle is broken, they struggle
and show the same pain and hurt as do individuals with broken circles. These
unfinished, first thoughts about families and the Circle of Courage are
offered in the hopes that others will be encouraged to apply the philosophy
in thinking about and working with families.
THOM GARFAT and STEVE VAN BOCKERN
Reclaiming Children and Youth, Winter 2010, Vol.18, No.4., pp.
37--39
Reference
Brendtro, L. K, Brokenleg, M., & Van Bockern, S. (2002). Reclaiming youth at
risk: Our hope for the future (Rev. ed.).
Bloomington, IN: National Educational Service.
