Listen to thisOne area of focus in child and youth care is strengthening a young person’s emotional intelligence. This refers to building emotional awareness, regulation, and reflection. It supports the individual with these skills so that ideally, they have more control over how to respond to situations in the future.
In all the positions I’ve worked as a child and youth care practitioner a considerable amount of time has been spent investing in the practice of co-regulation. Each time I share space to co- regulate with the young person, we build their capacity and healthy habits (re-wiring the brain) in hopes the need for me (the worker), is needed less and less. However, before this can happen establishing a connection is imperative.
It Begins with Connection
Having a connection with a young person takes time. This is a process I am willing to let percolate. While we are working together safety, presence (over time), respect and understanding are all things that help to build trust between us. When starting a new connection and building rapport with a youth, I want to make the most of the time that I am given with them. I work with young people in community, young people who are defined as transient, high risk and who are constantly searching for where they fit and who they fit with. I never know how long I might have with someone due to their circumstances, which is something I learned early on in my practice working in a community setting and supporting youth in care.
It was in the early days of my practice that I knew I had to make every interaction count. To be effective I had to be tuned in. I believe it was the wise words of Carol Stuart where she described “the relationship is the intervention” (see Stuart & Fryer, 2021). I remember when I read this quote my first year in the child and youth care program how impactful it was to me. I digested and ruminated over this quote and thought, “Brilliant! But why am I not seeing this happen in the world of social services?” So, I took those words I read and started to experiment with how to do this, what it really meant and how does it look.
Showing Up in Ways that Create Safety
As themes started to present themselves in my practice, I noticed that many service users had not only a ‘suitcase of trauma’, but on top of that intergenerational trauma that was ready to burst. I started to notice that specifically kids and youth in care didn’t get to stay anywhere long enough to have meaningful connections or strong bonds. Many young people were getting ‘shipped around’ to various placements or torn away from the connections they had finally established. Not being anywhere long enough to feel safe, calm and to learn how to regulate themselves. At the time I was in a role of a transition worker, I took this quite literal and thought, “How can I facilitate authentic and genuine connection while these kids are in constant transition?” To be honest, as the years have passed in practice, this thought is still relevant and active in my mind.
Of course, each person is an individual with their own unique story, circumstances, strengths, skills, growth areas and beauty. I noticed that presence, consistency in partnership with a needs-based approach were three key components of relational practice that had the young people actively engaging in service. One of the youths stated, “I feel so comfortable here… it’s like how a family should be. I don’t feel judged here. I can come on my worse days and know someone is going to care for me. You guys give a shit, nobody ever really has.”
What a beautiful but equally sad expression, it was at this time that I realized that “the relationship (connection) becomes the reinforcement.” I started to notice that more youth were showing up (word of mouth) to ask to be supported by the program and agency or to simply spend their time in the space. If you have worked with youth, this is remarkable.
Typically, they would rather tell you to “eff off” than to participate in ‘another’ program. So, I thought, “well, we are all doing something right.” This highlighted for me how powerful connections are. It’s healing but it must be handled with extreme care and intention. I continued to take note and build on this in my practice and find when you give a safe space and be a safe person there are more opportunities to engage as this is intriguing for young people. Young people are curious by nature and often (in my experience) yearn for healthy connections.
When the environment (space) and worker(s) are open, inviting and safe, this is where I find opportunities for co-regulation take place. In my work, I find I am the first call from a young person often when they’ve had a bad day, are confused, frustrated, happy or curious (questions), in a dangerous situation, or just want to talk about life. I try to be intentional and aware of how powerful my influence is in their life and how important it is to take the call, answer the text or, the obvious, show up. Active communication with the people we work with is crucial in developing a relationship and establishing safety and comfort. It is up to the child and youth care worker to ‘cultivate a nurturing environment’ so our time together is productive, in the context of the needs of the individual.
Rhythmicity: The Dance
A valuable indicator to me that safety has been established within the context of the relationship is when the individual is receptive and wishes to respond to their areas of growth with openness in collaboration (with the worker). Rhythmicity signals a state of attunement within the co-created space, often indicating openness and a level of comfort. At this point, the worker could potentially be helpful to the young person in navigating life circumstances, powerful emotions, and day to day events. When someone is in rhythm with you, and it’s reciprocated, they are open and mirroring. They may feel comfort, safety and feel the situation and person are predictable. The guards are down (if only for the moment) because there is no need to be distant and alert. It is the role of the worker to identify when and how to use these moments therapeutically to work through the ‘tough stuff’ as it arises. The more we are in rhythm with the individual the stronger the connection is over time, and we can use these positive interactions (which are the foundation of connection) as a steppingstone for any difficult situations that may arise and equipping the young person for the future.
In ‘Characteristics of a Relational Child and Youth Care Approach Revisited,’ authors Garfat, Freeman, Gharabaghi and Fulcher (2018) define rhythmicity as the shared, synchronized and connected experience with another person. “Rhythms of coming and going, rhythmic rituals of acknowledgement, patterns of play amongst children, simple repeated gestures of greeting at the door of the family home, special handshakes on the street, or with a teacher on entering the classroom – all are examples of the rhythms in which one might engage and experience with people. Connecting in rhythm with people helps to nurture and strengthen connections and a sense of ‘being with’ that person. We pay particular attention to the rhythms that acknowledge the ways of being and doing of young people, their families and communities, especially when working across racial, gender or other identities. While working, regardless of location, a child and youth care approach invites one to pay particular attention to the rhythms of that person’s, or that family’s life, thereby strengthening opportunities to enter into rhythms of connectedness and caring with them.” (p. 37)
Workers can be very strategic with the technique of rhythmicity and personally, I feel it’s underutilized in practice. As stated above, it is versatile and a helpful tool that facilitates stronger connections. I’ve used rhythmicity as a reciprocal invitation (verbal or non-verbal) to share space. I’ve used it to help establish ease while building connections and have used it as a technique while supporting interventions (co-regulating).
An Example of Co-Regulation
An individual I once supported was worried about how their diagnosis and recent sobriety was impacting their participation in a treatment program. It was brought to their attention that due to their actions (which were unconscious on the individual’s part) the spot in the program would not be available to them if they “didn’t clean up their act” as they were causing “disturbances”. Obviously, this created a strong emotional response for the individual as the feelings of anxiety, shame, guilt and helplessness took over. The individual felt confused and was on high alert emotionally and mentally due to recently reducing substances, which made them more reactive and irritable while also living in a new environment. Due to our relationship, the young person felt safe enough to share what happened with me before making any quick decisions to leave the program and potentially risking their sobriety. The young person explained that due to their past and current life circumstances of living on the streets, family trauma, acquired trauma, use of substances, a revolving door of relationships, and getting by doing “whatever is necessary”, it was proving to be a difficult transition switching to living in a calm, stable and predictable space. The comments from the treatment staff were challenging for them to hear and caused feelings of overwhelm. They felt that the staff were not empathetic to their situation and felt sad that they had caused ‘disruptions’ as it was unintentional. Being criticized at an emotionally, physically and mentally fragile time was almost the tipping point for this person to decide to end the program. Their emotions were at the surface and in full force. During the conversation with the young person, I was sitting on the table in a room as the person was pacing back and forth relaying the information to me. Throughout the conversation, I validated their feelings and let them have space to be heard and to express feelings of worry and being misunderstood. I had my head mid-level (looking at the floor and wall) listening to them as they explained. I was actively taking in the information, often offering a glance to them directly while they paused or took a breath. After some time, they began to speak calmer, slower and began to stand still. At this point, they were standing off to the side just diagonally from where I was sitting, so I turned to be facing them. They responded and moved closer to me, having more direct eye contact and almost right in front of where I was sitting. After they found some emotional relief, they ended up sitting beside me on the table while still talking. They began to start to naturally get to a place of openness and understanding. They started to reflect on their behavior and how it could be “taken in the wrong way.” I offered some tissues, and said, “Hey, these sofas might be more comfortable eh. Let’s go over here.” It was received well, and we continued a reciprocal conversation sitting across from one another. I started to make it more noticeable that I was breathing slowly and consciously. They began to follow, and we started to mirror our body language during the conversation. The individual started to yawn and state they were feeling hungry and thirsty. All good indicators, they were deescalating and feeling settled back into their body. We took a short break and took care of the needs (hunger, thirst and comfort) and after came back and they immediately wanted to find some solutions about how they could stay in the program longer. They were willing to not only nourish their growth areas but do some restorative work with the staff and other participants of the program.
This is one example of how co-regulation and rhythmicity work in partnership highlighting the importance of connecting in a dysregulated state. The worker is the pillar, the listener, the guide for safety (physical or emotional) through these moments. Rhythmicity can be used as an indicator of how receptive someone is during heavy moments and how connection through rhythmicity can be restorative to the nervous system as we use the co-created space and pre-existing relationship to have enriching moments of connection. Workers can use rhythmicity as a way of strengthening emotional intelligence, foster emotional awareness, regulation, reflection, and future responses (behaviors). Rhythmicity is a beautiful and impactful language if you take the time to explore and learn it.
References
Garfat, T., Freeman, J., Gharabaghi, K. & Fulcher, L. (2018). Characteristics of a relational child and youth care approach revisited. CYC-Online, 236, 7-45. Retrieved from https://cyc-net.org/cyc-online/oct2018.pdf
Stuart, C and Fryer, K. (2021). Foundations of child and youth care (3rd ed.) Kendal Hunt.
