Listen to thisRelational practice is about the connected interaction between self and other. It is only in this connected experience that we might discover the in-between between us.
But this connected experiencing (Garfat, 1998) does not just happen. It requires one of the participants to reach out to the other – to engage and connect to start the formation of the in-between. If no-one reaches out to engage and connect, there will be no creation of the in-between between us. We will be individuals, in relationship, perhaps, but not connected in the in-between between us (Garfat, 2008).
And, of course, as helping, caring professionals it really falls to us to do the reaching-out. After all, why should a young person reach out when their history of engagement and connection has, typically, lead to pain for them. Why would they want to connect with us, when previous connections with significant people have been painful, even abusive. Why reach-out to that which has been painful in the past?
So, it is to us to reach out. But how do we do so?
And therein lies the question – a question which permeates our work with young people – how should we reach out to young people who have experienced pain in previous relationships?
Let’s talk about engagement and connection. Most direct care practice is focussed on engagement – but not connection. The two are not the same. Engagement involves doing something with other – it might be a discussion, an activity, a moment of ‘doing something together’. And these ae all important in out work with young people.
But connection is different – it is something deeper, more profound. It is far beyond, yet linked to, engagement.
In a recent article (Garfat & Almaoui, 2024) we defined connection as an energetic exchange between self and other – and I still believe that to be true. However, connection (versus engagement) is a much more profound experience. It involves a moment when self and other are connected in, what I have called, connected experiencing. – when self and other are ‘in this moment’ together.
So, what does it mean to be ‘in this moment together’?
How do we get to be ‘in this moment together’?
And therein lies the essence of our connectedness with other. To be in this moment, to connect in this moment, we need to be, can I call it, ‘personally present’?
In means, in the simplest of terms, that in this moment, when we are together, we are experiencing ourselves and other as connected in this moment. It means that we are experiencing ‘us’, not just you and me.
But this experiencing of connectedness, this experience of ‘us’ cannot occur unless one of us ‘reaches out’; trying to connect and create and in-between between us. This is not as simple as a hello - but it may be so. Usually, though, it involves the helper reaching deep within themselves and deciding to bring their self to this moment – to expose, risk and make available their essential self in reaching out to the young person – simply put to say ‘here I am waiting for you’, in this moment of interaction.
I am here, inviting you to be here, in this moment, with me.
So, to each of you, as individuals, I might ask “given who you are, how can you show that you are reaching out / available” to this young person in this moment. And how will you tailor your reaching out for this young person at this time?
Connected experiencing evolves from reaching out.
References
Garfat, T. (1998). The effective child and youth care intervention: A phenomenological inquiry. Journal of Child and Youth Care, 12 (1&2), 5-178.
Garfat, T & Almaoui, N. (2024). Wanting to connect. In J. Digney (ed), The Art of relational Weaving. The CYC-Net Press: Cape Town.
