Listen to thisA young person and I were taking a drive, ‘hanging out.” We had our individual and delicious caffeinated hot beverages. I find driving to be relaxing for young people and often provokes insightful conversations as it has a casual feeling to it. We were sharing space in the vehicle, which is close, but we were not invading each other’s direct space with eye contact and sitting across from one another feeling ‘observed’ which in my experience as a practitioner can make a young person feel overly ‘vulnerable’ when first developing relationships.
I let the young person put their own music on in the vehicle, something they might be listening to that is meaningful to them, even when it’s music I might never put on myself. This brings on-going opportunities for the young person to teach me (the worker) something of importance and passion about their life while we are together. This usually represents emotions they are feeling underneath the mask, if you listen carefully, it can be a beautiful way to cultivate understanding. By nature, I am a curious person, so I ask questions such as, what’s the reason you like this song? How did you find this song or artist? What was happening in the moment when you first heard this song, can you describe it to me? Music is powerful, it’s a great way to feel when the words are lost or supports are not present. Usually by this organic sharing of each other’s music we identify similarities and start the foundation of our relationship with commonality which supports us in creating our own safe space, it’s co-created. It is now made up of some of me, some of them and the space in-between, us in this moment.
Anyway, back to the moment. In this case the young person was looking out the window while sipping on their drink as music was playing in the background. The young person says, “you know what really bugs me?” I turn down the music a little and say, “nah, what’s that?” They say, “I really can’t stand when someone tells me, I have so much potential. Then they never do anything to help me. Why do adults do that. What’s the ******* point in askin’ then?”
In my own moment of reflection, I think, “I really don’t know why adults do that.” I respond, “woah, that’s a terrible feeling, what happened?” The young person proceeds to disclose the situation. The young person then states, “I feel like adults just speak to hear themselves talk, like why are they stating I have so much potential but then do nothing to help me? Are they just checking their own boxes? I am just stuck sometimes, and nobody is around to help me, they just keep expecting me to get there on my own and most days I don’t even know where I’m going.”
The young person and I continue to discuss this specific situation that took place. The young person aired their frustrations and was able to highlight their needs. I then assisted with role play on how to communicate with specific adults. Together we brainstormed and wrote down how to come back to the conversation and address their needs when they are ready.
The Highlight
I love listening to young people talk honestly about their experiences. I found this conversation about potential crucial. What came out of this rich conversation with the young person was the lack of commitment from the practitioners once they identified the potential. I find that workers are quick to recognize young people’s potential, highlighting their strengths, talents, passions, skills, abilities, gifts, areas of investment, and goals while simultaneously ‘dropping the ball’ in supporting the young person’s journey to build their autonomy therefore nourishing the ‘potential.’
In this instance the young person was saying, there are many adults (workers) in their life, but nobody is identifying who is helping them with what. They were saying that many professionals are surrounding them talking, but not doing. Workers using power and professional status to point out what needs to be done but not providing a path of support to get there. The young person was able to recognize the workers didn’t have a direction but were comfortable making statements about their life. The young person was stating they are essentially ‘fed up’ with nobody walking beside them helping in their daily life, doing the tough stuff but always “coming at them with an opinion of how they should be and what they should be doing.”
Potential, I find it is used a lot with young people when they have done something disproving to the adults or community at large. It seems to only be addressed when the adults in their life are dissatisfied. I often hear this word used by professionals in a criticizing manor or in disappointing tone to the young person after a difficult interaction.
An example: I wish you would stop doing this and just see your potential? You have so much potential why do you keep hanging around with ____ … they are dragging you down or you are smart why can’t you just go to school; you are missing out on your potential!”
The young person pointed out when potential is used in this way, they feel the workers are shaming them and the adults concern (care) is miscommunicated and misinterpreted often with no follow up or clarity from the adult. When these types of statements are used it is counter-productive to a healthy sense of self, workers (caregivers) should be mindful about how our words can impact the young person’s developing mind. It can be taken as the young person might never reach the standards of the adults, feeling of continuous failures, or feeding the inner critic “I am not good enough, why even bother?”
How to Help?
I speak frequently about the importance of shifting our perspective as workers with the people we support such as, I have a responsibility to you because my community is your community therefore, your well-being is my well-being, your success is my success, your health is my health. Interwoven are care and compassion. Approaching practice with this view emphasizes investment to not only the young person but to the greater community and generations to come.
Of course, having young people invested in their own well-being is equally important and a practitioner cannot do all the work for the service user. Depending on the situation it can be a slow process of getting the young person feeling capable on their own, helping them to develop skills through the journey of the relationship between practitioner and service user.
Additionally, practitioners need to be able to not only pinpoint potential in people but actively coax it out of them. This takes investment, effort, and commitment in the relationship. Looking at all parts of a young person including their strengths, talents, passions, skills, abilities, gifts, areas of investment, history, needs, wants, goals and much more.
I work with young people who are often couch surfing, traveling between different cities (transient), living out of shelters or some who are adventurous and are not always where they say they will be. In these situations, it can provide to be a challenge to not only show someone their strengths and skills (potential) but to also coax it to the surface.
Working with young people they tend to always be on the go. I enjoy their curious nature and admire their perseverance to find belonging. I find as a practitioner it teaches me patience, flexibility, adaptability, being in the moment and provokes my creativity in practice. One of my mottos in this field is “I’m here for the long haul. I’m here when you need me.” So how do I go about nourishing potential in these circumstances? I check in frequently with young people and will meet up with them where they are at physically and emotionally. I provide genuine praise for the smalls things they achieved each day.
Some examples: “You got up today? Amazing! You went to the school and sat outside for an hour? I’m impressed, I know that is difficult! You called the Doctor? Excellent, can I help with transportation? You went on the bus and got groceries? That’s incredible! You got a job? How exciting!! You wrote a short story? I would love to read it; you are a fantastic writer! I saw there was a workshop happening, would you like to go together? You kept yourself safe last night? You are clever, how did you manage that? I’m proud that you set boundaries with your partner, that is difficult! You saved enough of your money for that? That’s fantastic!
Practitioners should always be working in collaboration to create small realistic goals that apply to the young person, important that they are participants in identifying where they want to start. This helps to build a supportive relationship because I’m showing up openly, in partnership, being non-judgmental and bringing compassion. I get to learn about the young person quickly due to trust and safety being established during our small but special moments together. One of the ways I know I’m doing a good job with young people is when they come to the office to find me to “just say hi.”
During the drive with the young person, they highlighted for me, the importance of consistency, follow-through, transparency, honesty and doing with. Most of the time, I have found young people are looking to work in partnership with adults in their lives as they develop their self-esteem, skills, independence and find their ever-changing community.
I believe that everyone deserves to be heard and that people who are living their daily lives are the experts. Engaging genuinely with people who are involved in systems is important because they are experiencing the impacts in real time. The service user’s opinions, experiences and voice, if actively listened to, reflected on and implemented can help us to dismantle systems and practices that are harmful or to see things we might have overlooked. Throughout my years in the field, I am so grateful to have a collection of teachable moments for me such as the one on the drive.
