Control: Keeping it or giving it?

“When I first took over my group I had to exert strong control to keep order. I have kept up this same control, but it seems to work less and less.”

We use control in two ways:

One, to be a support and protection for young children while they grow up and while they increasingly learn to control their own lives;
Two, to provide temporary support and protection for an individual or group who have lost the control which they should have.

Always reducing
Only when people are not coping do we increase control. Otherwise, and especially for children and young people, we are always reducing control. Our whole aim in bringing up children or looking after youngsters in care is for them to become independent and able to look after themselves.

Bicycles
Always helpful, when talking about upbringing and control, is the illustration of teaching a child to ride a bicycle. At first the bike is big, strange and hard to balance. We hold on to the handlebars and walk alongside the child while he gets the feel of it. Then we let go for a minute and both of us – we and the child – experience the excitement of risk and achievement as new learning shows itself.

But the learner still cannot ride properly. From time to time we must hold on again, let go again, and then finally let go altogether as the youngster rides off on his own. So it is, in working with young people in care. For a time we do need to have a hand on the handlebars, and we take risks with them as they increasingly take control from us.

But while we work with skills, we must also make sure that the bicycle is in good repair and that the roads are as safe as possible ...

Controlling behaviour or circumstances
So, in working with children and youth, we can control their behaviour (by forcing them to do something or stopping them from doing something). And we can control their circumstances, or the environment in which they must function. There are times when we must control behaviour, especially when there is a danger that the child or someone else may get hurt. An angry child with a stone or a knife in his hand must be controlled. But Child and Youth Care workers most often prefer to control the child's circumstances – by making his or her environment safer or more appropriate to their present coping skills. But we only do this temporarily, because a child will not learn self-control in the real world if we are making his present world too easy for him.

Why is it that we so often find it difficult to let go? We are afraid the child will fail; we will have to deal with the mistakes the child will make; we like to be in control – there are many reasons. Can you and your team think of more?

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You tell us that you have kept up the same level of control since you joined your group of children. Both you and the group must be feeling that you are making no progress; you must all be feeling discouraged. Nobody is learning to ride bikes. Nobody is risking anything. The kids are not getting a chance to show you what they can do. You are not giving yourself a chance to see your own progress with them. Worse, they will become resentful of you “and you will feel resentful towards them.

No pain, no gain
Let go of the handlebars to see what individual kids can do (always apply control in respect of individual kids – and over whole groups only in emergencies!) Hold on only when necessary, and rejoice with them when they can do things for themselves.

This may take weeks, maybe months. But the direction must always be away from external control and towards self-control and independence.