Since it's founding in 1997, the CYC-Net discussion group has been asked thousands of questions. These questions often generate many replies from people in all spheres of the Child and Youth Care profession and contain personal experiences, viewpoints, as well as recommended resources.
Below are some of the threads of discussions on varying Child and Youth Care related topics.
Questions and Responses have been reproduced verbatim.
Listen to thisWhere can I learn more information about
adopted teens who run away a lot?
Specifically, I am interested in discovering ways to hopefully
understand how a formerly abused 16 year old girl (adopted at age 12)
finds her way. This is a vague question, I know, but I am struggling
with a direction for this intensely complex, multi-layered situation.
Any suggestions welcomed!
Much appreciated,
Laura
..
Hi Laura,
Young people absconding from care services is a challenge that has been
around for as long as the care services themselves, and I don't think
that anyone has found a definitive solution. However there are a few
things you should consider;
1) Child's cultural background. In some African countries communities
raise children not families, so children can feel perfectly safe
wandering around in a way that is not normal (or safe) in other cultural
contexts. Therefore holding on toan African child in an Irish care home
(for example)can be a real challenge.
2) Background history. Similar to point 1, if a child has never had to
live by limitations and has essentially raised him/herself, it can be
incredibly difficult for that child to cope with the structure and
routine of a family, soevery time there is a challenge the kid just
leaves. The key with these kids (in my view) is to take things very
slowly, keep rules to a reasonable minimum and put all the energy into
building relationships that make the kid want to stay. This requires a
lot of maturity on the part of the adults and willingness not to engage
in power struggles.
3) Following on from point two, I always view unauthorised absences by
asking two questions. Is there anything that the child is running away
from? And is there anything that the child is running away to? If you
can find a way to reduce or eliminate the things she is running from and
find a way to facilitate her to get the things (within reason) that she
is running to, you have cracked it. Remember, at the end of the
day positive relationships are the key.
John Byrne
Ireland
...
Hi Laura
I would be more than willing to offer some support if I can. Please feel
free to connect with me if you'd like.
Sincerely,
Loretta A. Cella
...
People help her. Not all of them predators. Some misguided adults or
ones who remember their own problems as teens, and lots of other teens.
She's probably found strangers to be safer than people she knows, so the
fear that you would expect to be there isn't.
Sheri McGuinn
...
Some reading around the subject of runaways ... Eds.
https://www.cyc-net.org/CYC-Online
/cycol-0403-stand-up.html
https://www.cyc-net.org/today2006/today060712.html
https://www.cyc-net.org/features/ft-ouryoungrunaways.html
https://www.cyc-net.org/quote2/quote-562.html
https://www.cyc-net.org/occasional/occasional-080409a.html
https://www.cyc-net.org/CYC-Online
/CYC-Online
-mar2009-kufeldt.html
https://www.cyc-net.org/featuresx/feature-100412.html
https://www.cyc-net.org/quote2/quote-296.html
https://www.cyc-net.org/quote2/quote-489.html
https://www.cyc-net.org/quote/quote-54.html
https://www.cyc-net.org/quote/quote-54.html
...
I'd agree with the fella who replied from Ireland,
this young woman runs to get her needs met and she struggles in
relationships. Go slow with her, keep expectations down but not so low
she doesn't think you care.
In what capacity are you working with her? What is her relationship with
her adoptive family? Does she know her birth family? Often times the
child welfare system will terminate parental rights or transfer custody
of a child away from their birth parents but this by no means severs
that relationship.
The system says, "Okay here is your Forever Family!"
That is so BS. As soon as that child begins to act out their trauma and
attachment reactivity some of our best and well-intentioned families
can't handle the child at best. At worst they seek out the return
service at their local psych ward. Adoption is not a solution, it is a
band aid, and unless families are supported to raise these kids, and the
hurt that was put into them has to come out for that person to fully
become. Running sometimes is running from pain or running to pain
because that is what they expect or think they deserve.
Many youth, indeed most, will return to form some sort of relationship
with their birth parent, and depending on if what her history is with
her parents/parent she may be doing that now. Thinking developmentally
running away is what 16 year-olds do, they fly the nest, they begin to
stretch their wings. Can she be supported to seek out the people she is
running to in a way that is positive or at least contained by the
setting of caring people you work with? Squashing her ability to run may
be a short term fix for whatever setting you relate to her in but it
does little to help her develop wisdom and experience to make decisions
for herself. I find it much more supportive to partner with the youth
and be a support to them in their search for getting their needs met.
When we don't lose our minds about the running and are more interested
in making sure she is safe ("call when you get somewhere safe so I
know") takes the rebelliousness out of it, sometimes. We as caring
adults need to check ourselves to determine if we are afraid of things
that are intangible to our youth, such as guidelines of zero tolerance
for running. My experience tells me that when we try to crush
rebelliousness in teens who have trauma and damaged attachment histories
we more often are serving our liability responsibilities, which one may
have to do, WHILE you also leave the door open for the youth to seek you
out for that healing relationship. Sometimes taking a systems
perspective ("if you continue to run, this family, this center, may not
be able to serve you, but I will; call me when you are safe or call this
person whom I trust.") I'dsay lastly, that these youth need someone who
is available 24 hours a day. But they need a coordinated team approach
too.
Kids who run in some ways are taking the decisions of running their
lives in their own hands. Our systems at times can't tolerate that.
That's where you have to leverage your power and work outside the system
or refer them to the agency or person who can. Self determination is
part of independence. They have to drive their own boat, not the
caring adults in their lives. We as parents have to let go of the
outcomes and invest in trusting and fostering reflective decision
making...
Lastly from a mystical perspective and this may seem tough, but I
believe sometimes that we don't get to dictate how long human life lasts
or what it should look like.We allhave to runour own journey.
Sometimes all we can only be are points of caring consistency and a
grounding moment in their lives. Sometimes we have to let our youth go
and lead their own lives. Sometimes they return and sometimes they don't
and at least they can begin to experience making their own decisions...
that is life, in all its beauty and tragedy.
Peter DeLong
