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Questions and Responses have been reproduced verbatim.
Listen to thisHello,
I’m working with a 16-year-old female who has been placed out of her
home and living with extended family members. She lived a life of
chronic minor neglect with a passive mother and strict step-father.
Along with lying, she steals on a frequent basis and will hoard anything
from Qtips to gum wrappers. Her foster parents and I are working on
building a strong healthy relationship, but the current consequences are
not making a connection to the child and the stealing continues.
She steals anything from books to underwear – not shoplifting, but from
family members and friends. She is currently in a half-day alternative
educational setting where she is thriving. There has also been some
positive growth as she is learning how to use the public transportation
system and she will occasionally be honest and admit her mistakes.
I realize that there is a deep-seated attachment issue with the child
and her primary caregiver, and youth work is practiced in the milieu of
making those simple human connections in the everydayness of life, but
does anyone have any suggestions or reading recommendations to address
the child’s behavior?
Thank you,
Joe Stolzman
...
What is stealing? Is it a way of claiming what you have never been given
or of symbolising what you have never had and what you know you need?
Children are often inveterate souvenir collectors. When I lived in
as a residential worker things were often taken from my room.
Although this was often regarded by others as stealing and an almighty fuss made about it a lot of these objects were trivial in themselves but not as symbols of something else [call them 'transitional objects' if you like]. There was one child who constantly took my soap, not when it was new and fresh but only after I had used it. I was working with Donald Winnicott at the time and he assured me that the child was seeking an equally close relationship to me and that the used soap symbolised this. Made a lot of sense at the time. Your child is taking from people close and related. Does this have meaning other than stealing? One Valentine's day a child took one of my, regrettably few, cards. When I asked her why she said, 'I had to steal your heart because you won't give it to me.' Out of the mouths...
David Pithers
...
Joe
I'm interested in your phrase 'the current consequences are not making a
connection to the child and the stealing continues'. No police
involvement?? That showing some discretion... What consequences does she
face... and If we ask her about the stealing how can we do it so she
cannot feel shamed, as that will lead to lying (I do it).
What does the stealing mean to her? What does she get out of it? Once we
know that, we can help her replace it with something less provocative.
Hope that helps
Peter Hoag
...
You said she doesn't shoplift? What does she do if she wants something
outside of her home? Ask? Or maybe she hasn't been caught yet? Or maybe
she only wants what she thinks makes her "family" happy?
Donna Wilson
...
Hey Joe
Some interesting replies to your query.
I too am wondering about "current consequences" not working.
When I ask people about the consequences of stealing, most say something
about getting arrested or going to jail. We tend to 'feel' we have
to apply consequences for misbehavior. Applying consequences is
such a part of our culture. And then we have behaviorism telling
us to be consistent with discipline, meaning punishment.
But behavioral psychology tells us pretty clearly that punishment does
not work, except maybe to suppress behavior a little. So our
feelings (mine too) tell us that applying consequences is necessary. But
our thoughts should tell us differently.
What about the other consequences of stealing? Getting something
you want. Harming somone else who loses something they cherish.
Costing them money to replace it. Affecting how they feel about
you. Affecting how you feel about yourself.
These consequences may teach more. They are real and they are
consistent. Some of them even happen when she doesn't get caught.
A restorative approach relies more on these consequences than on
punishment.
Private property is one of the dominant values in our culture.
Someone I know often said, "There's nothing I hate worse than a thief or
a liar." Where I live, it's even acceptable to kill someone to protect
your property.
But then there's the hoarding thing. Makes me wonder if she's ever
owned anything that she valued or cherished. Pretty tough to teach
someone about private property as a social value if they've never really
had anything all to themselves, something they were in full control
of.Did she ever own anything she valued? Did she have to share
her stuff with siblings who destroyed it? Did people take her
things away from her to"discipline" her. Doesn't teach
children about respecting the property of others when we don't respect
their rights to their stuff and take their stuff from them, even for a
time, to teach them a lesson. (But it's better than smacking--at
least that's what some experts tell parents.) And so I'm wondering
if she respects her own property and takes care of it.
Children learn values like respecting property from people who are
important to them. Relationship first. Teaching second.
But can the family work on the relationship if the stealing is a
problem? And how important to her is a relationship with this
family? Or does she just want to go back home to the home she
knows?
Anyway. You've sure got a challenge. And so does she.
Best wishes to you all.
John Stein
New Orleans
...
Hi guys, blown away by David Pithers' posting. Not only does he name
drop Winnicott, he relates one of the most poignant snap shots of
residential care I have heard in a long time.
I connected to the concept of 'head, hands and heart' with which it can
be argued we meet the needs of those close to us. I have been involved
in helping my daughter settle into her first home. I help with my head
regarding explaining the mortgage, undertaking some pieces of the
negotiation, with my hands in clearing out the basement, driving to the
DIY store and most importantly with my heart as I listen to her
concerns, express my pride and love for her. As a residential worker I
was pretty good at the head and hands but was short changing the youth
when it came to the heart.
I can now recognise the many ways in which those kids tried to claim my
heart and I feel humbled. Recently I have worked with young people in a
non social care setting and I feel I can let my heart talk more freely.
It is most liberating. I just regret that I didn't respond more
congruently way back then.
Peace
Jeremy Millar
Scotland
