Since it's founding in 1997, the CYC-Net discussion group has been asked thousands of questions. These questions often generate many replies from people in all spheres of the Child and Youth Care profession and contain personal experiences, viewpoints, as well as recommended resources.
Below are some of the threads of discussions on varying Child and Youth Care related topics.
Questions and Responses have been reproduced verbatim.
Listen to this2010
Hi,
I am a second year Child and Youth Care student doing a presentation for
a class called Ethics and Issues. I am looking for research regarding
the effects and impact of saying "I love you" to the children and youth
we work with. Does it violate personal and/or professional boundaries?
Does it have a positive or negative effect on the child or youth? Whose
needs are being met? Could attachment issues arise? How does it impact
them now and later on in their adult life?
Any thoughts or opinions are greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Markie Towers
...
That's a loaded ethical dilemma. For me I feel a
statement like "I love you" to a child or youth you are working with is
too powerful of a statement and steps over the boundary of professional,
ethical practice.
I think there are many strategies that can be implemented with the child
or youth that develop trust and connectedness without having to use the
words "I love you" to a client you are working with. The practitioner is
only one small piece in that child/youth's life and typically the length
of time you're in a relationship is fairly limited, so I would worry
about making a statement like that to a client, to then have to separate
from that attachment.
Danielle Jimeno
...
I don't know of any research but will be watching to see if anyone else
does. If we're not in this because of our love for the kids then
I'm suspect of our motivations. At the same time, we want to
remember that this phrase has been used by abusers to cover sins
committed on the kids, such as telling them that are loved when being
used for sex. I think it would be a good discussion to have WITH
the kids, rather than just about them.
Lorraine Fox
...
I await the replies to this with interest. In the meantime I would
add this to the mix – what about how you respond when a child says "I
love you"? Is this just the opposite side of the same coin or is
it something else altogether?
Ni Holmes
Scotland
...
This sounds like a very good topic for the Child and Youth Care journal. Let us
know how your paper results. I will say that my training in
Spiritual Psychology asserts that this is one of the most therapeutic
things that can be said in your work with another person. I can't
remember ever saying that out loud to any youth but I certainly used to
say it often inside myself to them. It can be extremely helpful to
the care provider. You may want to Google Spiritual or
Transpersonal Psychology for more on that topic.
I think one of the greatest forms of love is giving people the dignity
of their process and not dumping on them anything that they cannot
handle. I think on many levels, they get whether you love them or
not. They may use the words caring, understanding or "being cool
with them." Let us know what you find out.
Alfonso Ramirez, Jr.
...
Well, in regards to saying "I love you" I believe that it is something
that should not be said. It goes without saying that as you work with
children and youth you may grow to feel love for them, however, saying
it crosses the boundary from professional to personal. We need to
remember that for all intents and purposes in most cases we are in a
child/youth's life for only a brief period of time. We may have a
profound and lasting impact, but the relationship serves a purpose and
is not intended to be a lifelong pursuit.
I am not saying that there haven't been instances where the relationship lasts beyond the therapeutic process, however, while you are actively engaged in the helping relationship it is necessary to maintain professional boundaries for the sake of both the child/youth and yourself. There are many ways to demonstrate caring without using words, including just being there and being available. It would be my assumption that it would have a negative effect on the child/youth, especially if the relationship comes to an abrupt end due to professional politics or other circumstances, and as such can have a long term detrimental effect on their self esteem and self worth.
Most of the clients we work with are already suffering attachment issues, do we really want to exacerbate the situation by creating a deeper relationship than we can realistically provide? Saying "I love you" is best reserved for family and friends; not clients.
Jillian Johnston
...
So you are asking if I can say "I love you" to a client? One who has had
many people say I love you, now get out or I love you and hit? Where do
you want to go with this child? If you want to and are able to adopt go
for it? If you want to help and then let them go (home, foster care,
live by self) then I love you has no part in that relationship. Some may
not even be able to say I'm here for you let alone I love you.
Connecting with a child is not personal. If the child connects with you
it is great but connection only needs to go one way. Please don't think
I am heartless. I put my heart into my job for the "kids" but I don't
lose my direction. The "kids" need to move on .. I am not a crutch only
a stepping stone.
Donna Wilson
...
I think saying "I love you" is perfectly acceptable where children are
placed in long-term substitute care, and where the relationship between
the child and adult have evolved to a level where the adult is seen to
be taking a parental role, and where the relationship is experienced by
both as being deeply significant (with due consideration and sensitivity
to any special issues like sexual child abuse etc, etc, etc). The
context is very important.
Generally I think it is a good thing, children
should feel loved, and sometimes it should be said so they can hear it.
Werner van der Westhuizen
...
Hey there Markie,
There's always controversy with ethics and issues in our field and in
any profession. In the Child and Youth Care profession I know there are a few sides in
regards to this. Currently our strongest focus in the Child and Youth Care profession is
the relational focus and I believe saying I love you's to children will
promote their growth. However it may hinder or intimidate each child
depending on how you say it, when you say it and where you say it.
Professionally I believe that we don't say I love you to the child/youth
until they say it first then you can always respond "you too" or "I love
you too buddy"- I always said that when I was working with babies up to
elementary aged kids. I am not going to tell them it's inappropriate to
say that to us, or just nod and say good night, or brush it off at some
sort. We are here to help them heal, grow, learn and all that sorts, and
saying I love you's back to them will promote their feeling of
attachment. If we are to attempt at simulating a typical family home
with parents encouraging them and all of that sort it would promote a
healthy growth through their development stages especially with the
attachments. I have noticed that promoting that, these kids would have
more healthier attachment, and boundaries in the future when they are
older as opposed to those that are deprived of it, and moved around-
they typically are the ones that have trouble, and have mild to severe
attachment issues. It would depend on the worker's practice, how they
believe in prompting and stimulating each child's growth and how willing
they would share some of the love they'd have. I am a Child and Youth
Care worker and I cherish the profession itself. I believe strongly in
the relational approach, I can't imagine myself not loving each child.
Each of them takes a small piece of my heart and it's something I'd
always be honored to share in order to help them grow and have something
to hang on to through tough times. We all have boundaries as a
professional, how comfortable we are to flex our boundaries is up to us,
the agencies and to the child. If a child has a severe boundaries
issues, sexually offends, or something like that our sharing approach
would be more rigid, I know my boundaries would be more stiffer but it
won't stop me from providing the appropriate comfort they need in order
to grow and learn. I believe that if it meets the child's needs, I have
done my work. If it only meets our needs not the child then there's
something wrong and something needs to be changed because we are here
for them not ourselves.
The positive and negative effects it could have on
the child really depends on each individual, the worker and the child.
What is the purpose of the I love you's ? Is it for the worker's or the
child's benefit? Is it something they desire in order to feel hope? Is
it something they desire for something more deeper and inappropriate? Is
it going to be presented on the right time, place, and how? These
questions would be something we think in our heads quickly before we
respond to the child's I love you's. I believe this situation is similar
to hugs because they both have similar issues that could arise such as
appropriate intention/purpose of doing this, the reason of doing this,
crossing boundaries or prompting a good sense of boundaries, does it
benefit only the worker or for the child, etc.
From my experience growing up in the system, those Child and Youth Care workers and
Social workers that give me comfort, and I love you's are always the
ones that stick with me for the rest of my life, and these people are
the ones that I always had my mind on for hope through rough times.
These people are the ones who helped me be who I am today and I respect
them highly. I guess it will really vary in each individual but I
believe saying I love you's will make a difference in a small way we'd
never notice but a big thing for them in their lives...
hope this helped!
Amber Schultz
...
Hi Markie,
The draft copy of The National Minimum Standards for Children's Homes
can be found at
http://www.dfes.gov.uk/consultations/downloadableDocs/22%2009%2009%20Childre
ns%20Homes%20-%20Consultation%20version%20v3%20mw.doc.
Standard 11 says
STANDARD 11 – Preparation for a new placement or a move (including back
to parents, etc)
Underpinning Legislation:
Regulations: To be agreed
OUTCOME
"Children are welcomed into the home and leave the home in a planned and
sensitive manner which makes them feel loved and valued."
The word loved is also used in the values section at the beginning of
the document. This is quite a shift in stance within Residential Child
Care.
Gareth Wall
...
Dear Markie,
I think there is a consensus that all children need the love of a good
parenting figure. I think many of the troubled children with whom I have
worked have either had this love withdrawn or have never really received
it.
I think many of them have heard parenting adults use the phrase, "I love
you", but the adults have – for a variety of reasons – been unable to
convert the words into what Winnicott might describe as 'good enough'
love.
My view is that we have to show youngsters first of all that we can be trusted and demonstrate our love of them by our consistent actions in serving them over a period of time so that they can both unconsciously and consciously come to perceive our actions as symbolising nurturing parental love. Situations may arise when it is appropriate to say "I love you" to a child or a young person once the relationship between the child and worker has been established as a securely attached, healthy, trusting parenting adult/child relationship. Just as with our own children when we say, "I love you" it has in a sense become superfluous because they already know it. Often the youngsters we work with are – with just cause – diffident and wary of adults making promises they eventually may not be able to keep.
Charles Sharpe
...
Hello Markie,
This topic is a very interesting one with many different views. I think
that the effects of saying "I love you" are hard to predict. In most
cases, I think children do not fully understand what it means to say "I
love you"
and are searching for that connection with anyone who will show them the
tiniest amount of admiration. It falls under the same category as
fidelity, making promises we can keep. Expressing that strength of an
emotion to a youth and then not being able to stay and continue to work
with them can have detrimental effects on their progress...or emotional
well being. I think in the end it would end up as an attachment issue,
however on the other hand, some youth just say " I love you" to a
specific worker but then the next day they find someone else who makes
them happy and they move on. It all depends on the cognitive and
emotional stability I would say. But using such strong emotions to
express something that could simply mean "I like you" may confuse or
alter the youth's perspective on love, and its true meaning. I think to
each their own, however, I do not think it would be a good idea to use
the term liberally in this professional field.
Elyse Peacock
...
Hi everyone,
It seems to me there are a lot of misperceptions and illusions about
love out there among us. We have big hang ups about such a simple
thing. I think the problem could be that there are no words to
accurately describe the experience or act of love. And many of us
vary in our capacity to be loving or to hold the space that loving can
fill.
What a great question that Ni posed, "..how (do) YOU respond when a
child says 'I love you'?" And Gareth reminding us of our
professional responsibility to ensure that children feel loved.
Thank you to both. I certainly learned from that.
I will say for certain that because a child may have had an association
with love and hurt doesn't meant that a youth care professional can't
ever say they love them and share love with them in its fullest
expression (joy, healing, acceptance, connectedness, safety).
Like anything else, though,you probably should be qualified to say "I
love you" before you say it. You might want to be real clear
inside about what you are doing and be able to hold a safe place for
that to occur, knowing how to respond to anything provoked inside you or
the other person. That comes primarily from experience.
With love comes responsibility from both persons involved (youth and
CYC).I think that is what most people are saying and I'm saying some
people can manage it better than others. So the answer to "Would
you ever say 'I love you' to a youth." Yes, but only if the
persons involved can handle that expression.
Alfonso Ramirez, Jr.
...
Interesting topic and not talked about enough not just in Child and Youth Care but
overall in our society. I believe that if you are about to do anything
with a child, youth or even adult that may be misinterpreted it becomes
a teachable moment for both parties. Everyone has a different idea of
what love is so it becomes important not to assume but to talk about it.
If a child or youth has never or rarely experienced a "healthy" love
then I believe it becomes part of your responsibility as someone
teaching life skills to discuss the different kinds of love and their
experiences with this.
In my experience I have found once I have had this conversation and
shared the kind of love I have for them the relationship shifts. There
is this foundational understanding that someone cares about them despite
what they have done or who they are. I have found that discussing the
relationship also assists in the transition of ending the relationship.
Changes and losses are a part of the human experience and I have found
it becomes a challenge or even "damaging" when one is left all alone to
figure it out when it can be a growing and healing experience when
discussed in a safe way. I'm all about speaking the truth. If you
feel love for the person then say it but make sure you are prepared to
go much further in explaining what that means and that you stay
consistent with it. I have also found that saying "I care about you" to
be a milder/easier way of expressing my love for them.
Serena Rotten
Beautiful Vancouver Island
...
I have worked with the early childhood age child, birth to age 5, for
over 10 years. Many children have said the words "I love you" to
me over the years. I have never once ignored them or put them off
with a platitude. As many of us who have taken an intro to
developmental psychology class know, children thrive in secure and safe
environments.
I currently work with the toddler age group. These children really
do not have a complete understanding of the words, " I love you".
When they say it they expect a response. I have fifteen
little ones and want them to all feel secure in my classroom. To
be perfectly honest I do love all of them. They are each coming into
their own little personalities and it is amazing to have the opportunity
to be a part of their little lives. I do not feel that it is in
any way inappropriate to say those words back to a little child that is
being dropped off by parents and placed in my care for eight or more
hours a day. The mission statement at our center states, "we
are an extension of the family unit."
As children grow older and are better able to understand the meaning of
the words "I love you" my views do change on the issue. For the younger
crowd give them all the love they need.
Angela Holeczy
Pittsburgh, PA
...
Hi everyone,
Personally I don't use the words "I love you" as I also feel it
oversteps the professional boundaries. However saying this I
realize that it oversteps the boundaries based on what I believe those
words to mean. Perhaps youth and children from different cultures,
or based on past experiences believe the words "I love you" to mean
something different. Perhaps if a youth were to say "I love you"
to you, exploring what that means to them, and talking about how words
can mean different things for different people....
Just some thoughts at the beginning of my day.
Hope everyone is taking care of themselves,
Nicole Mckeown
...
Hi Markie,
What an interesting research topic! I can offer you feedback based only
on my personal experience with this. In my 20+yrs as a Child and Youth Care Worker, only once did a youth seriously say the actual words "I
love you" to me while we were out for a walk. I must admit I was taken
aback but in hindsight, this was a youth who had extremely poor self
esteem (which is the case with most of the youth we work with) and the
particular reason we were out walking in the community was for me to
teach her "the other side" of how she viewed society as always being
negative and "against her". It makes sense to me now that as she lacked
social skills and the ability to "show" how much she cared about people,
her only way of knowing how to express it was through "words".
I personally do not use those words lightly, meaning
that when I tell people I love them, it's usually to those I have deep,
close relationships with (i.e. family, my partner, close friends). After
a brief moment of silence (because I didn't quite know how to respond
and had to give it some thought), I told her that I very much
appreciated that she cared for me that much and responded that I liked
her very much too. I honestly told her that those words were intimate
for me and that when I told people I liked them alot, it meant that in
my heart I felt love for them. To this she responded, " Okay, I like you
alot too". I think we need to be mindful of who the youth is and
where they're coming from. Many youth I work with know that I love them
or "care alot about them", through my "actions" and "how" I talk to them
versus "what" I say to them. They show me they like/care about me
through the level of trust they have in me, among many other happy
moments we get to share together. I'll close off with a quote I "love"
that I wrote on our blackboard at our goup home for all staff and youth
to see; "Loving the people I know allows me to know the people I love".
Kind Regards,
Monique LeBlanc
NB, Canada
...
Hi
I don't know if it's the proximity to Valentine's Day that leads me to
respond to this thread but here goes. I suppose, first thing to say is
I'm delighted that the word love is re-entering the Child and Youth Care
lexicon. Whether we tell kids that we love them is maybe a bit more
complicated. It can feel to me too easy to say 'I love you'. Sitting on
the bus to work I hear all sorts of mobile phone conversations.
Increasingly, it seems, rather than just say goodbye, people sign off by
saying 'Love you'.
I'm not sure what, if anything, it means. I remember
a friend of my own son, a kid who was very much left to his own devices
and whose relationship with his mum was pretty ambivalent, would always
end his phone conversations with her with 'Love you' – it was almost as
though he needed to be convinced.
Now, my own sons would never tell their mum or myself that they loved
us, nor would they appreciate being told that. But I'm sure they know it
to be the case. So it seems to me that kids will know what they mean to
us, less through what we say than what we do and how we are with them.
If within the context of a particular relationship we say 'I love you'
then maybe that's good and well, but the expression of love needs to go
beyond just saying so.
Or maybe that reticence to say 'I love you' is just
me as a Scottish male.
Mark Smith
...
Thanks to Alfonso for picking up on my quickly thrown in remark before I
headed off in search of snow last week. Now I have a little more
time here is what I had in mind.
Lorraine is right to question what anyone is doing in this profession if
they do not love children but use of the words "I love you" is not the
way to express that. These words do not always carry the same
meaning. The potential for confusion in a child is massive (do
these words imply romantic intent, do they signify the onset of abuse,
is this just a trite and empty statement or is it understood to express
a humane concern for others?). This is not fair to the child.
Expressing the associated feelings (care, concern, etc) appropriately
and in a manner that the child can understand is vital.
Often within Scottish culture "I love you" is easier said when it is not
meant than when it is (when it is just a throw-away line or as Lorraine
and Donna both identified, associated with abuse of one kind or
another). There is a huge cultural dimension that cannot be
overlooked. Everyone should consider within their own context what
it means to use these words, what meanings they carry, how much effort
is involved and so on (similar considerations, by the way relate to the
word "sorry", among others that are equally loaded).
When a child chooses to say "I love you" to us similar questions need to
be asked about meaning and intent within the cultural context. Not
to respond appropriately is as damaging to the relationship as it would
be to respond inappropriately. If we are to reciprocate ("I love
you too") we had better be sure that we understood the original meaning
and intent correctly.
There is a value in developing a staff script, personal to each child
that allows staff to acknowledge the feelings being expressed by the
child and in return expresses the feelings of the worker but does not
lead into areas where professionals should not be going. I wish I
had a prepared script the first time I was surprised when a child said
"I love you to me". I certainly made the effort to work one out
for the next time so I could respond without having to think too hard.
Staff teams should work together to ensure that the script is not trite,
that it will always carry the desired meaning in a way that the child
will understand and that it is not open to alternative interpretations.
The bottom line is much deeper than the use of three little words.
It is right to examine our motivations in this profession. We
should strive to create an attachment between ourselves and the children
we are responsible for. That attachment should foster
independence, not create dependence in either direction. It is
right to demonstrate care and concern within our professional
relationships and to do so with humanity. However there is no
place in the professional relationship for a bond of love. If the
words "I love you" in any way imply, intentionally or otherwise, a
bonding there are serious issues about motivation, professionalism,
child-centredness etc. that need to be urgently addressed.
Ni Holmes
Scotland
...
I'm going to keep this simple: if a client says I love you... and it is
appropriate by your standards and practices, acknowledge the client with
a nod and a hug I work with boys 8-15 and usually I find this is
the best way to deal with it, esp. post care... when seeing the client
in a public setting with parent's, new caregivers etc.
Ziggy Stardust
...
I'm sorry, I have to disagree. This may sound harsh, but I believe that
staff in a professional child care environment should not use the
expression "I love you" with the children they are responsible for. It
is not love but care they are supposed to provide for the children. The
safest bet not to confuse the children or raise expectations the staff
cannot (and sometimes must not!) fulfil is not to use those words. This
also raises the question of boundaries, the balance of closeness and
distance between staff and children; this has to be deliberated for each
situation and each child individually. Children in care are vulnerable
and there is a great risk of further hurt if words are used carelessly.
If a child says "I love you", then it is a very different situation, and
staff should respect and appreciate the child's affection, but they
themselves have not got the right to use the same expression towards the
child. As a child care manager I expect staff to have open and honest
conversations about feelings with the children, let them explore what
the expressions mean and become aware and comfortable with their own
feelings, including love, affection, but also moments of sadness and
anger... To conclude, I would suggest that the words "I care for
you" or "I care about you" seem a lot more appropriate and safe for both
parties involved.
Mag. Manfred Humer
Schloss Leonstein, Austria
...
I feel compelled to reply...
Recently a youth's mom that I work with passed away and the youth moved
away to live with a family member. We are in contact with her as she has
not moved very far from our city. My co workers and I have known
this youth for about 8 years. I was talking to the family member and
stated " We love(youth's name). I felt at that moment that I did miss
her from our program as she is a vital part of it and I have loved
watching her as well as the other children and youth that I work with
grow up and become awesome children and youth. I guess I just feel that
sometimes it is okay and appropriate to express something that you feel
as it is the truth.
Kristina Dixon
...
I love you post
I know that this is a rather old post but but I would like to add some a
different perspective. I work at a school base/ partial hospitalization
program. I am only twenty-two years old and work with children with high
functioning autism as well as emotional/behavioral problems who range in
ages from 10-12. I feel that I would never say "I love you" to one of my
students, I feel that if I would say "I love you" to a student it might
put the wrong impression into their head. A lot of my students already
have issues determining and distinguishing reality, so in my mind this
would be a major NO!
Thanks,
Dani O'Neill
...
Good morning,
I wanted to pass along this passage as it spoke to the power of love. I
agree with Monique that we have much to share when we "show" by our
"actions" how much we love and care for an individual(s) we are working
with. Love is not just in the words we speak but how we speak to someone
and how we give of ourselves for the greater good and growth of their
character speaks volumes. Compassion, caring, smiling, being with and
giving with a warmth and a genuineness most often provides the same
amount of love if not more than the words "I love you". Words to some of
these kids might seem empty yet repetitive loving and caring actions can
sometimes slowly warm and fill up the most emptiest of hearts.
"Today, even modern industrial societies are not always able to provide
food and shelter for all of their people. These are very real and
important needs. But there are other needs that sometimes are not so
easily identified. Even when the most pressing requirements for food or
clothing or shelter have been satisfied, that is not enough for the
human being. There remains a hunger for something more. We want to be
somebody. We want to feel secure. We want to love. Without any better
way to satisfy these inner needs, we end up depending on possessions and
profit – not just for our physical well-being but as a substitute for
the dignity, fulfillment, and security we want so much.
Only by living for something that lasts, something real – rather than
for passing pleasure and profit – can we achieve the lasting
fulfillment, the limitless capacity to love, that is our birthright. "
- Eknath Easwaran's book Words to Live By
Susan Scherbak
...
This is quite a controversial topic I can see. I do want to throw
out another angle to this, and ask this: For those children in
long-term residential care, in other words, those children who are true
orphans and grow up in a children's home – if their caregiver does not
say "I love you" to them, will they go through childhood never hearing
it expressed that someone loves them (like a parent loves a child)?
What is the impact on a child never being told that someone loves them?
If not us, because we are uncomfortable and don't want to blur
professional boundaries, then who?
I do believe the context is very important, and that one has to be
careful, and you certainly don't go around telling every child that you
love them. But what about the child who has no-one else? What if
we are the only "someone" they have who can tell them they are loved,
and not just cared for?
Werner van der Westhuizen
...
Love is different to everyone. In Eastern Canada, it is not uncommon to
call a stranger "my lover". For example, I worked with a
social worker who was from out east. When we went shopping she
thanked the teller by saying "thanks my lover", translation was "
thanks buddy". When a youth says I love you, I think it is an excellent
opportunity to explore what love means to them, and why. It may
not be as serious as one might think, or perhaps it might be what was
said to them in moments of abuse who knows, but I would never assume I
do know.
Jenn
...
Monique,
I think you really know what this youth care business is all about.
From what you wrote you showed genuine love for the youth you were
working for. You shared what seems to be a very special moment in a way
that was sincere, caring and honest. I don't want to read too much
into it, but I think you may have provided a frame of reference for that
child that they could use to guide them through other relationships.
That is invaluable. Thanks for sharing your experience and your
quote.
Alfonso Ramirez, Jr.
...
I think love is a word not to be used loosely, definitely depending on
the age group. My children I work with are three and I love each and
every one of them and I tell them. They would say it to me first and I
would say it back, but like I said the older the group the more you must
be careful or it could be misinterpreted and taken the wrong way
especially when its teenagers. They may have many different emotional or
self esteem issues that could make using that word a sticky situation.
I'm also sad to say that being a male cycw makes a big difference for
them – just to be safe they basically just stay away from the word love
during their work with children.
Me as a women may have a child say I love you to me and I say I love you too, a parent may hear that and think nothing of it. But a male in the same situation may be looked at strangely and may even be asked what's going on – only because he's male. I also agree with the response on how we must be mindful as to who the youth is and where they come from. We could very well show them in our work action how much we love them by the way we care for them.
Terra Campbell
...
I have come late to this discussion but it is something that has
fascinated me for many years. My colleague and friend David Wills used
to say, 'It is love that these children have been deprived of and it is
no sin for them to covet it.' David was a profoundly theological thinker
and yet his language still seems fresh and relevant. So can we take his
principle but eschew the word. Is love itself unable to speak its name?
Erich Fromm in his astounding book The Forgotten Language says
that the problem is that the profoundest of human experiences only has
one word to describe it. CS Lewis in The Allegory of Love gives
an historical account of this diminishment. Once there were many words
for the unlimited range of experiences rightly called 'love'. I can
remember sitting with a child over many hours who said that she
desperately needed me to say that I loved her. I said that I liked her a
lot. This was not good enough. Then I assured her that she was loveable
This was not good enough. Then I told her that if I did say it that it
was likely to be misunderstood, if not by her by other people. This was
not good enough. In the end I told her that I loved her and explained
what I meant. This was not good enough. So I told her that I loved her,
which was true, and we both understood it. It had to be unconditional
because that is what she had been deprived of. So why is there still a
faint shadow of guilt over one of the most authentic experiences of my
professional life?
David Pithers
...
Below are a few writings around the subject which
members may be interested in by Mark Smith who is a regular columnist on
CYC-Online. – Eds.
Love and God
https://www.cyc-net.org/CYC-Online
/CYC-Online
-apr2009-smith.html
Letting go in love
https://www.cyc-net.org/CYC-Online
/cycol-0407-smith.html
Love tenderly
https://www.cyc-net.org/CYC-Online
/cycol-0612-smith.html
Limiting liability
https://www.cyc-net.org/CYC-Online
/cycol-0904-smith.html
The other side of the story
https://www.cyc-net.org/CYC-Online
/CYC-Online
-aug2008-smith.html
Child protection: Conclusion
https://www.cyc-net.org/CYC-Online
/cycol-0404-smith.html
...
It seems that saying "I love you" is ok with younger children, such as
to toddlers or preschoolers who say it casually. It's a simple way to
gain their trust and comfort. With older children and definitely with
teenagers, it begins to be inappropriate as others may think saying
"love" to them is inappropriate and some of these children may have been
hurt by someone they loved and it might bring issues of trust or painful
memories.
A worker also shouldn't say love back to an older child just to set
boundaries between professional and client. The best way to maintain a
relationship is through comfort and empathy without having to say love.
...
David... finally, unconditional love. If we can preach non-judgmental in
our everyday work... why not unconditional too?
Thank you for the insightful reply to this post.
Karen Hanlon
...
My clients know I am a father and that I love my son as much as I care
about them , but I never even bring up the word love in conversation. It
is so much easier to just offer up a hug, it basically says the same
thing to these clients, esp. if you are male.
A lot of these children often do not have a male role model in their
lives and, if they do, that person has been abusive or is currently the
abuser.
Ziggy Stardust
...
In response to David's posting. Your account moved
me to tears. It is so simple yet so profound a word that we must reclaim
it. I also echo his reference to David Wills and I'd like to add this
observation, approaches are all useless without the genuine loving
concern for the child. The child is the only judge of whether our love
is good enough.
Peace
Jeremy Millar
...
It is a great sadness that the reason children fall into our care
(through the traditional safety nets) is exactly because adults have
twisted the concept of love and provided them with "love" in a perverted
way. It is exactly for this reason that we must not be afraid to
love them, or to say it. I attended a seminar on developmental
touch therapy a while ago and I remember the training saying that "it is
the child who has been hurt through (inappropriate) touch who need to be
touched the most". If we don't teach them about real unconditional
love, or responsible and loving touch, we become part of the world that
has taught them that they are unlovable (except in hurtful ways) and
untouchable (except in perverted ways). Of course we have to take care
when doing this because it "could be taken the wrong way" – in other
words, we are afraid of dealing with the reality that the child's view
of normal love has become distorted, and someone has to be strong enough
to show the child how to love appropriately, and we are that "someone".
Werner van der Westhuizen
...
I think is our current world , the word love has become like the word
sorry, over used and in the wrong context. In my career I have had
children tell me they love me, however most of my career has been spent
working with younger children, and there is an innocence that comes with
this age group. My usual response has been to say thank you, or give a
hug back. I agree with Werner that sometimes the children who tell us
they love us are the ones that are in most need of our love. It's sad
that these children may be reaching out for us and looking for something
that does not exist in other areas of their lives.
...
Love is through action
Dean
...
I have been thinking about this topic for a while. Pondering it from
many different angles, clinical, professional, ethical, therapeutic etc.
There was no one way that I could see "fitting" or "answering" this very
question until last night.
I work in a foster home that prepares girls to live independently. There
is a foster mother and myself that works with the adolescent girls as
they develop from the age of 15 to an "adult" at the age of 18. I have
been here for 6.5 year and worked with around 26 girls in this time all
with various diagnosis, mental health, learning disabilities and stories
of abuse.
Last night I was sitting on the couch talking to a youth as she got
ready for an overnight home visit with her family. All of the sudden the
phone rings and she realizes that her parent is in the driveway to pick
her up.
She scoops up her bag, throws on her shoes and runs to the door. She
yells over her shoulder "Love you Tabs". I shout back "Love you too hon,
have a great visit. Call me if you need anything". Then she runs out the
door, down the driveway and into her parent's car.
Another youth that I was driving to the train station so she could
travel to visit a friend gave me a hug on the platform as her train was
arriving and said "Love you Tabs, thanks for the ride". My reply was
genuine, "Love you too kid, be safe".
So I said the big scary "L" word to a teenager. And they are not the
first. I believe that as CYCs we should be able to determine if this is
something that the youth needs, wants, or is open to. I feel that we are
professional enough to make that call. I also know that I do love my
girls genuinely. Yes this word can be scary and emotionally loaded,
however it does not have to be tabooed. It can be used in a
human-to-human way and nothing more. It does not always have to be
clinical or therapeutic it just has to be meaningful.
I know that there are some youth in the home that would not be open or
comfortable saying/hearing it and therefore I would never use such
language with them. I also know that I am professional enough to
know the difference.
Keep Well,
Tabitha Woodall
Ontario
...
To me the word love comes with many variables. The same way one would
say they love their significant other would be different from saying
they love their parents, or siblings, or friends, or possibly in this
case clients.
I do not have any experience in working in the Child and Youth Care field yet, but I
think I have enough of a grasp on this topic to share my opinion.
Everyone deserves to feel loved and therefore I think that children who
are gaining support from the work of Child and Youth Care should be provided with love if
they so desire it. For younger children, I don’t feel there is any harm
in expressing the words “I love you” back to them if they say it first.
For older youth I think the words “I love you” may be interpreted
differently and therefore should not be so lightly used. The word love
has a variety of meanings to individuals and I think in the case of Child and Youth Care work, it can be used in instances where the child is evidently showing
that he or she is in need of feeling loved and if and only when it will
benefit the child.
Lindsey Byrnes
...
“the most powerful therapy is human love.”
Perry & Szalavitz, 2006
Thom Garfat
...
I agree with Terra...love is ACTION!
Muriel White
...
If a child or youth says "I love you" it is a wonderful opportunity to
engage in a dialogue with them about the meaning of love and what it
means to them personally. I believe that love is a give and take
relationship and needs to be equal on both sides. Unless you can
guarantee that you will be in that child or youth's life for the long
term it is not appropriate to say it. If you say "I love you" you need
to be prepared to make a lasting commitment to remain in the child's
life. Many of the children and youth we work with have had people come
and go from their lives much to easily. Their idea of what love means
may be very different from your own. As with many things, saying those
words is an incredibly personal decision, but I do not think it should
be said without careful thought and consideration first.
Jillian Viens
...
Hi Lindsey,
I appreciated your comments and points of view regarding the phrase "I
love you". I have experienced firsthand how a preschool or primary
school aged child uses this phrase with support workers and teachers.
Their child-like mannerisms are cherished by those adult peers in their
midst. As school-based employees would we walk about the school saying
"I love you" to specific children that we had made an amazing connection – no, because we are told it is not "professional", but I have learned a
lot over twelve years within the school system there are numerous ways
to show we CARE and look at the WHOLE child.
Spending extra time with them for a task that they
have not grasped, listen to them when they display/appear stressed or
emotionally frustrated. I have had parents share with me that they
don't know how to tell their children they "love them", especially the
children who displayed unmanageable behaviours and the parents have
exhausted their resources... Intuition, which I live by, watch their
eyes, listen to their voice tone, watch their body language, in most
scenarios non-verbal communicative cues can assist with creating a
connection.... All in all, most children and youth just want to be
acknowledged, heard and affirmed! There are numerous way to show LOVE,
other than words... Child and Youth Care work for me is a "vocation", not a job!
Leah Connell :)
...
Jillian, I am not sure that love is about give and
take. I think that might make it conditional. I have just remembered a
verse I learnt in childhood;
'Love ever gives, outlives, forgives
Ever stands with open hands,
And while it lives it gives,
For this is love's prerogative
to give, and give, and give.'
Don't know who wrote it. I don't want this topic to end, it's so
fundamental.
David Pithers
...
I have enjoyed everybody's comments on this "I love you" discussion.
Jillian, your belief is very congruent with my own. Love is
definitely a give and take relationship, and all too often the words are
said without meaning or taken away too soon.
From my own experiences, I am reminded of various
summer camps I have worked at over the years, especially Camp Health
Hope and Happiness which is a camp for people with physical and mental
disabilities. You work and live very closely with children for one
week, so the friendship bonding cycle is quite quick. Inevitably
some of the kids begin saying "I love you" towards the end of camp, and
I know some of the other counselors would respond back in kind.
For some of those children they were just words, but for others they
took everything to heart, and I look back and wonder if any of them were
later affected by those words not being able to be supported after the
camp was over. I know, personally, even back then I would let the
kids know that I cared about them and that I valued their friendship,
but would never say "I love you" back to them ... even when I did in my
heart.
Anyways, just wanted to share my two cents today :)
Richelle
________
