The complete set of 198 Hints are available in paperback from the CYC-Net Press store.
Listen to this
All cultures have complex rules and limits about manners and politeness. As they grow up, children and youth get to learn the nuances around what is acceptable and what is not. Moreover, they learn to fine art of being able to discriminate between people and situations where the laws about these things may be more or less flexible.
Or they don’t.
In troubled families it may be that there has been too much changeability, too much unpredictability, too much extreme emotion being expressed, too many raw words being tossed around, so that the kids haven’t learned the subtleties – and indeed have picked up much of the family patois.
In our programs, probably more often in residential programs, there is often some emphasis on manners and politeness – often there are senior staff or (gasp!) actual board members or donors walking about – and there may be strong sanctions against insults and expletives. When young people’s strong opinions and harsh language is also interpreted by staff members as defiance and impertinence, we may pull rank on them and order them to "Be quiet!" or even need to shore up our egos with threats like "Don’t you dare speak to me like that!"
We should think about this.
Nice language may belong in loftier levels of the hierarchy of needs we are working on with specific kids. Youngsters who don’t yet feel safe or that they belong cannot focus on this plane of social learning.
We would in any event be careful not to make an implied judgement of their parents and homes by coming down too strongly on language which fits in with their family or cultural norm.
Much of the feelings and thoughts directed towards us are really meant for others; we just happen to be near – and conveniently placed to observe and understand these emotions.
Our command to "Be quiet" or "Don’t dare ..." may be too arbitrary and authoritarian for them to make sense of, and they will oblige by being quiet ...
And we are still at the stage where it is important for us to know what children are thinking and feeling. Egos and sensitive feelings may best be put in our pockets for the moment while we learn what are the norms, the anxieties, the angers and the terrors of these children with whom we are working.
The axiom is simple: If we don’t allow kids to tell us what they are thinking and feeling we may not get to know what they are thinking and feeling.
In our practice today we will be aware of what level of development and progress our children and youth have reached and what tasks are appropriate for today. We will also be aware that we do not produce sweetness and light in young people by command; those are qualities which may or may not arrive when they feel safe, significant and loved.
And while they are limited to such ways of communicating, we don’t stop them expressing their feelings just because they do so in inappropriate or offensive ways. Our job is to translate the slammed door, the abusive rejection or forthright insult into a useful clinical insight which helps us to make sense of their view of their world and to work out how to move forward with them. Tomorrow is another day.
