The complete set of 198 Hints are available in paperback from the CYC-Net Press store.
Listen to this
It is distressing when young people grope for possible meanings behind their experiences of failure and feelings of inferiority. "My Dad always told me that I would amount to nothing." "I know that whenever I really want something badly, I’m not going to get it." "It runs in our family: We’re all losers." "My Mum says ‘Always expect the worst – that way you get what you expect.’"
When confusion, rationalisation, justification, half-truths, excuses and denial have been the stock in trade of a struggling family, the children understandably get to believe that they are up against a whole malevolent system which is negative, withholding and capricious.
"Things will be OK," we try to reassure. "Yeah," they reply, relying more on their real experience than on our thin slogans.
One of the by-products of the seemingly boring things in our programs like routine and consistency is that the kids can experience rational sequences between schedules and events, between plans and fulfilment, between promises and reward. They help move youth from resignation to control, from blame to responsibility. We don’t want to substitute a cold and mechanistic ethic. Enough that we cast doubt on their own negative and deterministic philosophy. So we create small successes and achievements; we celebrate gains and good times; and, yes, with an unexpected treat we show that chance is not the sole preserve of the bad news.
Today in our practice we look for developmentally appropriate (with troubled kids this is not the same as age appropriate) opportunities to demonstrate that events are reasonable rather than arbitrary, that they are in our hands more than under the control of some pessimistic system or superstition, and that good things are at least possible.
