Listen to thisUK
I take criticism badly and can’t stand up for myself
A 13-year-old worries that she’s too sensitive when people make fun of her.
The dilemma: I’m a 13-year-old girl and I get too sensitive about things. My brother used to hit me, call me names and make me feel bad. When my friends make jokes about me, I get too serious. When someone yells at me over petty stuff in class I’m embarrassed and start to cry because I don’t know how to answer back. People also make fun of how fat I am. Finally, my friends have a problem when I do dumb things and don’t make sense. I want to get over these things so people stop calling me sensitive. I’m about to change schools – please help me!
Mariella replies: You’re not alone. It would be hard to find a 13-year-old in the developed world who isn’t insecure and vulnerable. Our supposedly evolved society breeds a sense of inadequacy in our youth that is completely at odds with what any parent would want their child to be feeling. Whether it’s looks or fashion or the latest gadget, our children are confronted with aspirational messages around superficial assets. On TV, in movies, on the internet and in magazines and newspapers, the message that is celebrated is that you should have flawless skin, be skinny, be befriended by hundreds of strangers on Facebook and be popular among your contemporaries.
That list of requirements is virtually impossible to comply with if you’re a proper teenager. Not only are your hormones raging and interests changing, your body changing shape and your brain awakening, but you’re also the least confident you’ll ever be. The most important thing to remember is that for the vast majority of people, this stage in life is the worst. Even those around you who appear to have no such insecurities are going through internal misery. That’s often why they take it out on others.
Most adults look back on their teens with relief that they are over and with a degree of shame. No one thinks they were at their best at 14. Why do you think teenage diaries are such a popular read when you reach adulthood, if not to snicker at how narrow or naive your interests and ambitions once were?
Look further afield at teenagers growing up in some of the most deprived spots in the world and it’s an altogether different picture. There, young people are throbbing with ambition, bursting to succeed, focused at school if they’re lucky enough to be attending one, and desolate if they can’t. The truth is that it’s privilege that allows us the time and energy to be so judgmental of each other and makes us blind to the values we’d do better to dwell on.
You need to take your example from those outside your small-minded social circle and find something more satisfying to sustain you. Let them waste away their teenage days bitching about each other and judging their peers while you change the world. Make Malala Yousafzai your role model, not some silly pop star. Whether it’s burying yourself in great books instead of aching for an invite, finding a soup kitchen or charity to donate your spare time to, identifying a subject to become an expert on, taking up a sporting challenge, or making friends with other kids struggling to fit in – there’s no end to what you can do to improve your self-esteem and make a difference to the world around you.
Your brother sounds like a bully – and I presume you’ve told your parents. Physically abusing someone is wrong, so ensure that a sympathetic adult knows what is going on. In other areas you need to find your own feet so that the ground doesn’t tremble when you’re confronted. Dig down to your invincible inner core and, rather than set your standards by those around you, focus on your own interests and ambitions.
Once you’re determined to expand your horizons your tormentors will recede into the far distance and your attention will be focused on something bigger, better and far more important than what they think of you. They can spend their precious formative years trying to conform to the stereotypes they’re exposed to, but you should resolve to do better. If you spend your time working out how to make your own life really matter, all the rest will become just background noise and a distraction. And remember, you’ll never feel as useless and full of self-doubt as you do when you’re a teenager, so life can only get better!
Mariella Frostrup
March 2015
