Listen to thisDealing With Youth Depression and Bullying
Lower Moreland High School was the host of a public forum where John Halligan spoke about his son Ryan who took his life because of the disease.
Ryan Patrick Halligan has touched my life. Although, I will never meet the 13-year-old boy with the infectious smile, his image is forever burned into my memory.
Unfortunately, Ryan took his own life after enduring years of bullying and suffering from undiagnosed depression. But, thankfully, Ryan’s story doesn’t end there.
His father, John Halligan, has been taking Ryan’s story on the road for many years. He’s spoken at about 550 schools throughout the country with the hopes of reaching kids, parents and yes, even, bullies. He has made it his life’s mission to make sure that Ryan’s story is heard. I had the privilege of hearing Ryan’s father share his message. Thanks to the Montgomery County District Attorney’s Office, John Halligan spoke last week at several schools in the county, including Lower Moreland High School.
His powerful message of forgiveness and unconditional love is one that every parent should hear. John Halligan shares, “Nothing can ever bring back our Ryan. Nothing will ever heal our broken hearts. But we hope by sharing the personal details of our tremendous loss, another family will have been spared a lifelong sentence to this kind of pain.”
I have to admit that I wasn’t going to attend last week’s forum to hear John Halligan speak. It was a busy week and I couldn’t bear another evening out. But, it was at the coercing of my 11-year-old son who suggested that I attend. Jordan had been so inspired by Mr. Halligan during Murray Avenue School’s assembly, where he had spoken with the middle school students that same day. I know when Jordan offered to clear the dinner table so that I wouldn’t be late for the forum that he thought it was worthwhile. I’m so grateful that I took his advice. I only wish even more parents had been prodded to attend. There were about 75-80 parents in attendance, not too bad, but out of a district with more than 2,100 students, it does seem like there should have been more. But, I do understand the demands of too many evenings out of the house. On the other hand, I figured if it was this important to my son then I needed to hear the message for myself. It opened the door to a great ongoing conversation with my son.
As a mother of three boys, I’ve spent many days worrying about the damaging effects of peer pressure. I’ve never been one to excuse behavior with a “boys will be boys” mentality. I try really hard to be aware of what’s going on in my sons’ lives. Just like John Halligan had. But, I also remember being an adolescent and teenager and not wanting to make every aspect of my young life an open book to my parents. I also didn’t have to cope with the pressures of living in a “cyber” world, where at any time a rumor could spread like wildfire just by hitting the “send” button. No doubt, today’s pressures are more intense than those of when I was a young adult.
I applaud the Lower Moreland Township School District, in particular Murray Avenue School, for starting the conversation with students and parents. Bullying isn’t new. But the ways in which it is dealt with need to be in order to survive it in this ever-changing world. Murray Avenue School has chosen to adopt the Olweus Bullying Prevention program. This program is highly-regarded on a national level, and recommended by John Halligan.
The first step in addressing bullying is to know what bullying is and what it isn’t. As John Halligan explains, bullying is not a conflict, which is why traditional school-based “conflict resolution” programs don’t work. A true bullying situation has nothing to do with a conflict. Typically, it is not a fight over something. It is about an exploitation of an imbalance of power.
According to information provided by the Olweus program, there are three components of bullying: aggressive behavior that intends to cause harm or distress; it is usually repeated over time; and it occurs in a relationship where there is an imbalance of power or strength.
It is also important to realize that bullying doesn’t discriminate. It crosses gender, racial, religious, social and economic lines. It can happen not only in schools, but in the workplace, at home and within our community.
John Halligan emphasizes that victims of bullying need a “go to” person, someone with whom they can their feelings and not be judged. Equally important is “bystanders” of bullying… they need to know that they can go to someone they trust.
Here’s the point, we all need to fight this together. To make a true difference we need to change the culture of our schools, our teams, our communities, our workplaces. We need to create a “no tolerance for bullying” environment. We need to educate our teachers, many of whom are young, that it’s not OK to openly or suggestively repeatedly criticize a student…that is bullying, too. Our kids need to be empowered to stand up against bullying. And there need to be clear and consistent consequences for anyone who bullies.
There isn’t a simple solution. But thanks to people like John Halligan and to programs such as Olweus, the conversation has been started. We have to start somewhere…let’s keep it going.
To learn more about Ryan Halligan’s story, visit www.ryanpatrickhalligan.org
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The following is an excerpt from a blog by Dr. Claire McCarthy , a primary care physician and the Medical Communications Editor at Children’s Hospital Boston:
So what is it about bullying that makes it so hard for adults to see—and help?
It’s hidden. Bullies aren’t stupid; they hide what they are doing, so that they don’t get in trouble. And victims hide it because they are embarrassed—and because they worry that telling about it might make things worse (which sometimes happens). Cyberbullying, in which the bullying takes place on the internet or through text messaging, is even harder for adults to see; it’s silent, can happen when the victim is entirely alone, and occurs within a world and context that most adults don’t know about.
This means that parents, teachers, coaches and other adults who are involved with kids need to have their antennae way up. They need to watch for changes in behavior (anxiety, sadness, poor self-esteem, loss of appetite, for example), dropping grades, unexplained injuries, or coming home with damaged belongings (www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov has information on these and other possible warning signs that a child is being bullied). Direct questioning may not work; indirect questions (how do they spend their day, who do they eat lunch with, etc) may yield more clues. And if questioning doesn’t go anywhere, adults should check in with each other to find out what’s going on at school, home, in the locker room (I check in with my daughter’s teachers and guidance counselor regularly).
People don’t want to see it. We all want our children to be popular, to fit in. It’s hard to think that it’s our child, or our student, who is being picked on. Maybe it brings back memories from our own childhood of being picked on; times we’d just as soon forget. So when a child denies being bullied, says everything is fine (as a bullied child often does), we breathe a sigh of relief and take them at their word. That’s if we get up the nerve to ask. And if it’s our child who is the bully—well, nobody wants to think of their child that way. Nobody wants to think about what this might mean about them as parents; research shows that bullies often come from families who are uninvolved, overly permissive, overly harsh, or who role model bullying behavior. Since bullies are often popular students, it’s easy for parents to think: my kid is great; they would never do something like that.
Confronting bullying is really uncomfortable. But it’s something that adults need to do. Suicide is a rare consequence, but victims can carry emotional scars that can last a lifetime. And not only can being a bully be a sign of mental health problems, bullies are more likely to be aggressive or violent as adults. For example, bullies identified by age 8 are six times more likely to have a criminal conviction by age 24. This isn’t just a phase that will pass.
People don’t know what to do when they discover bullying. Indeed, it can be hard to figure out how to help. Victims may be bullied worse when the bullies are disciplined, unless the adults are watching closely—but they can’t watch every minute. Some parents, some teachers, some school officials or coaches are more helpful than others. Some schools have rules and consequences; some don’t (although the recent law will help with that). Some victims are lucky enough to have kids stand up for them—others aren’t so lucky.
Dina Siravo-McCaffery
28 Septermber 2011
http://lowermoreland.patch.com/articles/dealing-with-youth-depression-and-bullying
