Listen to thisChild and youth care practice occurs in the life space. This provides
limitless opportunities to utilize daily life events, as they are occurring,
to promote growth and change. To do this effectively, we must have a way of
knowing the young people, which includes understanding the stories they have
internalized about themselves and the world. Our understanding enables us to
arrange experiences – thoughtfully, purposefully, and repeatedly – that
counteract their stories. This process is illustrated in the story that
follows.
***
Brian had been living in our group home for a few months, and his 15th
birthday was coming up. He had been told by the other boys what to expect on
that day and how much money we would spend on a present. When we asked Brian
what he wanted for his birthday, he selected a stereo that cost double what
we would normally spend. He was adamant that this was the only thing he
wanted – if we couldn’t get him the stereo, we shouldn’t get him anything.
We faced a dilemma. Under normal circumstances, we stuck to the budget.
The amount we allocated for birthdays was reasonable, in-line with what
children in “average” families in the community would receive, and it was
important for our young people to understand the concept of budgeting.
These were not, however, normal circumstances. Brian had been raised in an
extremely neglectful environment, and we knew that many of his birthdays had
been forgotten. He had a history of being let down by adults and he was
expecting this year to be the same. By asking for something he knew was
beyond the budget, we believed he was setting us up to fail him. So, we
needed to create an experience for him that was unexpected and different
from his previous experiences.
On the big day, Brian woke up to a
birthday extravaganza! The overnight staff had gone overboard with posters,
streamers, and balloons. Within minutes, Brian had angrily torn down all the
decorations. Luckily, we had an experienced and knowledgeable team of child
and youth care workers, and they knew that this reaction was a result of the
overwhelming emotions Brian was experiencing. Birthdays were already
stressful, and now we had created a situation he had no way of understanding
or processing.
There was no recrimination for tearing down the
decorations, no comments about all the work they had put into decorating.
The staff told Brian it was his birthday and he could do whatever he wanted
with the decorations. They added that they couldn’t not decorate because he
was special and they wanted to show him how much he meant to them. This
resulted in another angry explosion that was okay (and expected).
Throughout the day Brian struggled to regulate his emotions. He had refused
to identify anyone we could invite to his birthday party, so we limited the
attendees to the other boys, some of their family members (who had taken on
a nurturing role with Brian) and the full staff team. We had his favourite
food (pizza) and an ice cream cake. Brian tolerated this part of the
celebration fairly well – he stayed seated at the head of the table
throughout the meal and engaged in conversation with the others (as long as
the topic had nothing to do with him or his birthday). His anxiety visibly
started increasing when the presents were brought out and we all sang happy
birthday. He was given the smaller presents to open first – mostly clothes
and books. Then it was time for the big one.
While slowly removing
the wrapping paper he was saying “I know I’m not going to like this.” It was
clear that he was bracing himself for the inevitable disappointment. When
all the paper was removed, it took a moment for him to realize what he was
seeing – the stereo he had requested. His eyes filled with tears, and he
abruptly got out of his chair and ran to his room.
After about 20
minutes he returned to the kitchen, where everyone had been patiently
waiting for his return. Now he was ready to accept his gift and tentatively
started inspecting his stereo. The other boys – who normally would be
quibbling by now about how much more we spent on Brian’s birthday than
theirs – were excitedly admiring Brian’s new stereo and pointing out its
cool features to him. They knew that this was a unique situation.
Brian remained in our care for 2 years. By his next birthday, he had no
difficulty asking for what he wanted and accepting the attention that came
with celebrating birthdays!
***
In this story we see the
importance of having a way of knowing a young person and how our
understanding of them impacts our interactions with them so that we are
responsive, not reactive to their actions. We also might notice how
important it is for a young person to have a different experience of
themselves in relationship with significant others in their life.
Reflective Questions
