Listen to thisWhen we are with young people doing everyday things, the opportunities
for meaningful connections abound. And when we are engaged in the
‘everyday activities of living’ with young people, things feel somehow a bit
more, I don’t know, can I say ‘normal’? And it is, if you look at your own
life, quite normal to build connections and have meaningful conversations
with the significant others in your life when you are doing everyday kinds
of things. Like while you are cooking together, for example.
The more we focus on everyday life events as opportunities, the more
opportunities arise. Opportunities are there, when we see them.
Hopefully, the following story emphasizes this idea.
***
It’s five o’clock in the afternoon on a lazy Sunday when I wandered into the
‘centre’. The staff and youth have gone to great lengths to ensure it feels
more like a home than an institution. I headed to the kitchen – after all,
where else would one head to on a lazy Sunday afternoon in a rural town. It
is like the kitchen shines a beacon saying ‘come here’ – it is where people
gather, and so I know that I am more likely to find someone there than I am
in the office or any other room.
I walked into the kitchen and
there was Jenna, the CYC, and Shawna, 15, a current resident, preparing
supper. I wasn’t surprised to see them together. Ever since she
had first moved into the program a few months ago, Shawna seemed drawn to
Jenna – and Jenna to her.
Shawna was tackling the peeling and
cutting of some garlic and she was handling the knife like she knew what she
was doing. Jenna was washing some greens for a salad.
I was
comfortable with Jenna, but I was still getting to know Shawna. We
were doing okay, but we hadn’t connected in a meaningful way yet. I wondered
if maybe this was a time when I could reach out to her, through a common
interest. I guess I should tell you that I love to cook. That’s probably
what made me wonder if this was an ‘opportunity for connection’.
Here is something I learned from another CYC Worker: if you smash the
garlics before you chop them, it releases the flavour better. And
another CYC Worker taught me that once you have squashed and chopped your
garlic, you should let it rest for 15 minutes if you want the richest
flavour to emerge.
Shawna was chopping the garlic, without smashing
it first, and she was not letting it sit there. Hmmm, what to do, eh?
So, here goes . . .
“Hey, Shawna, you seem to know how to handle a
kitchen knife really well.”
She smiled at me. “Jenna taught me.
She’s teaching me how to cook.”
“Well,” I responded, “it looks like
you sure are learning well. What are you doing with the garlics?”
“I’m going to mix them in the sauce for the spaghetti,” she answered.
“Ah”, I said, “I love garlic spaghetti sauce.”
“Me too”, Shawna
replied. “It never tastes enough like garlic though! Maybe I should add
more.”
Hmm, I thought, this young woman is just offering herself up
here for my ‘considered cooking intervention’ – she opened the door, so I
walked through it. “I think I know how you can make it taste more like
garlic without adding more,” I said.
“Ya”, she said – somewhat
unhappy about my comment, I thought. Hmm. I did say I was still
getting to know her. Maybe she thought it was too early for me to be
making implied criticisms of her new culinary skills.
Fortunately,
Jenna overheard the conversation and when Shawna responded to me the way she
did, Jenna intervened. “Hey Shawna, it might be worth listening to what Thom
has to say. He’s a pretty good cook and knows a lot.”
Ah,
‘thank you, J’, I thought to myself. What good Child and Youth Care
that is, to use one’s established relationship of trust with a young person
to encourage the development of a relationship with another worker; in this
case, me.
Shawna looked at Jenna, seemed to consider for a minute,
and then turned back to me. “Okay, how?” she demanded. I was
okay with it being a ‘demand’ we were just learning to connect here, so
whatever it takes, is what it takes.
“Well,” I said, ‘how about if I
just show you how I deal with garlics and then you can see if any of it
makes any sense for you. If it does, great! And if it doesn’t, well,
the worst thing is, you will have a few more chopped garlics that you didn’t
have to do yourself.”
She smiled at that, handed me her knife, and
stepped aside, closer to Jenna, I noticed. ‘Smart kid’ I thought.
About to engage with the unknown, so she steps closer to experienced safety.
“So, I noticed you were peeling the garlics – which we must do, of
course, but I prefer to just cut the end off and then give them a hard smack
with the side of the knife. Makes then much easier to peel”, I said as
I demonstrated. “Besides, sometimes it just feels good to give something a
good smack”, I joked.
“Does it matter how hard you hit it?” Shawna
asked.
“Not really. But you do want to hit it hard enough to
break the individual cells inside. That’s what releases the flavour.”
“Oh. Okay. That’s good,” she replied. “Sometimes I really feel
like hitting something.”
“Well, the nice thing about hitting garlic
is that it doesn’t complain when you smack it,” I said. She smiled at
that, and I could see her thinking.
Then I went on to explain to her
that once the garlic is squashed and peeled, that’s the time when I cut it
up into whatever size I want it to be – sometimes in long slices, sometimes
diced into in little pieces, sometimes so small it’s like it is pulverized.
“My dad used to say that” she said, surprising me with this reference
to family.
“Your dad used to cut garlic?”
“No,” she said,
looking first at Jenna and then at the floor. “He used to say he would
pulverize us if we didn’t do what he said.”
“Oh, that must have been
scary!”
“Not really. Well, it was at first but then after a
while we got used to it.” She laughed a little uncomfortably at that
point. “At least he didn’t slice and dice us,” she mumbled, as she moved
even closer to Jenna.
Sensing that was enough about her experience
for the moment, I returned to the garlic. “So, after I cut it up the
way I want it, I like to leave it on the counter for about 15 minutes.
They say that really lets the flavour come through.”
“So, bash it up
and then leave it alone, eh? Now it really does sound like my dad.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, willing to go further if she was.
“When he was drunk, he would smash us around and then just leave us there.
Once I came home and found my sister on the floor – smash her up and leave
her alone,” she said.
“Wow. What did you do?”
“Same thing
as always,” she replied. “Took her to the hospital. And we didn’t complain,
either.” She laughed uncomfortably, “I guess we were like the
garlics.”
“You know,” I said, looking at the garlic rather than her,
“we have to leave this garlic for a few minutes to let the scent and
flavours get released. Do you want to talk about your dad while we
wait?”
She took a step back. “Not with you!” she exclaimed, as
if just now realising how much she had said. She looked at Jenna, and
then at me – I was looking at her, too, by then. “But maybe with her,”
she said looking back at Jenna who had stepped closer and actually had her
hand on Shawna’s shoulder.
“That makes sense” I said. Why
don’t I leave the two of you to talk while the garlic is working its magic?
You can just keep checking on it whenever you feel like it. And you can call
me if you aren’t sure. I’ll be in the other room.”
She nodded
and I left the kitchen. On my way out, I heard Jenna saying, “So, this
is something we haven’t talked about yet. Where do you want to start?”
As I left the room, I found myself thinking about the many uses of garlic:
it can flavour a sauce, spice up a salad, warm the heart, and open
unexpected doors. What a great food.
***
In this
story, I hope we see how everyday, simple events can turn into powerful
moments between ourselves and young people. We do not rely, as CYCs,
on the regulated therapeutic engagements, but rather, we find them in the
everyday. Who would have thought that chopping garlic might lead to such an
engagement.
Reflective Questions
