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ListenNice kids bully, too
Often children harass others because they have been
victims themselves,
but that type of retaliation must stop
This time of year I feel a nostalgic pull. How I loved the first day of school! New friends, new challenges, perhaps even new clothes. I’m long retired from a career in education, but I still remember how exciting back-to-school can be for students, their families and the school staff waiting to receive them.
But, more and more, it seems that too many young people return to school with fear and apprehension in their hearts. They have experienced bullying, and they have no reason to hope that it won’t happen again.
It follows that many families will be having discussions these days about how not to become a victim of a bully and what to do if – more likely when – bullying occurs at school. As parents and guardians struggle to protect their children, conversations often revolve around “bully-proofing” strategies.
For the most part, the advice we offer young people is sound. And if the school either can’t or won’t remedy the situation, parents promise to find a solution. And that should be the end of it.
But it isn’t that easy. Why not?
There are those who bully others out of some sense of entitlement, I believe. Their victims are random, chosen only for their relative weakness. There are also children and youth in schools whose pathology does not allow them to feel empathy or to take responsibility for their actions, no matter who they are repeatedly hurting.
However, over my lifetime in education, I have concluded that a significant amount of bullying behaviour is done by kids who are otherwise pleasant, good-natured children and youth. In short, children from families like yours and mine.
We do not bus bullies in from other communities every day to harass our kind, polite children. Every single bully in a given school community belongs to a family that sends its children to that school. The same families that may be struggling to bully-proof their kids!
Nice kids bully too. But why?
I believe that many bullies – and their families – do not know who they are.
Bullies may believe that they are victims. Often, that’s true. Bullies may acknowledge their negative, hurtful behaviour, but they believe they have a reason that excuses them. They may believe they were defending themselves. They may be avenging an action that took place in first period, last year, in Grade 2, to their sister, the list goes on.
How many times have I heard “I only did it because …” Or “Maybe you should have seen what so-and-so did to him first.” How many parents have assured their children that they will defend them if they harm someone who has been harassing them?
Regrettably, as I well know from my many years as a school administrator, it is often difficult to determine who instigated a problem that may be long-standing. To an observer, seeing any child or youth deliberately hassling someone else looks like bullying behaviour, even when someone else “started it.”
I’ve often said that if you scratch a bully, you’ll find a victim. It’s a cycle that can only be broken when those who engage in bullying truly understand what they are doing.
Earlier this spring, I attended a by-invitation-only screening of the documentary Bully. While the film was disturbing enough in itself, I found it even more worrisome during the wrap up when a gentleman expressed his frustration that there wasn’t some way to just “put all those bullies on a bus and send them elsewhere.”
I thought back to many students who have found themselves in my office for maltreatment of peers. I wanted to point out that this fellow might be quite shocked at exactly who was on that bus!
We don’t need new kids. We do need all young people to accept that there is no excuse for causing someone else to feel bullied. Bullying is more than distracting. It is not “kids will be kids.” It is destructive and it has to stop.
So please, while you’re “bully-proofing” your kids, please take a few moments to gently, if need be, “victim-proof” your children and youth as well. Make sure that your kids do not create victims out of someone else’s children. Tell them that they must report harassment by all means, but that they must absolutely refrain from retaliating. Don’t become the bully as a strategy to not become the victim.
And may all young people look forward without fear to this new school year.
Pamela Mountenay Cain
4 September 2010
http://www.vancouversun.com/Opinion+Nice+kids+bully/7189626/story.html
