Listen to thisToday, I want to talk about punishment. That’s right, good old fashioned, down-to-earth, get-what-you- deserve punishment. Oh I know you Child and Youth Care types have been led to believe that punishment is cruel, that it inhibits self-expression, lowers self-esteem and, according to the experts, simply doesn’t work. But I want to talk about what I call “humane” punishment – a form of intervention that builds character, teaches fair play, distinguishes between right and wrong, upholds justice and eradicates anti-social behavior. Now this, you must admit, is in the best interests of the child.
You don’t need a Ph.D. in psychopathology to know that kids who've never been punished are a pain; they begin by being naughty and finish up as terrorists. Unable to respect or accept authority, they can never find contentment in their lives. So do you really want these young punks to feel good about themselves? Give me a break. Kids should feel badly about themselves when they've done something wrong. To feel guilt and remorse is to have a conscience and this is all that separates us from maniacs and monkeys. But the conscience is not created by soft words and gentle persuasion, it comes from the experience of knowing exactly what happens when you step over the line. Some of you might feel more “comfortable” with the word “consequences” but let’s not beat about the George W. Bush here. we’re talking about punishment, plain and simple.
Just for a moment, forget all the ethical and theoretical stuff and look at the importance of punishment in your own life. If you’re honest, you'll admit that your nastiest urges and naughtiest thoughts are contained by your fear of the consequences. What happens when you imagine cheating on your unsuspecting spouse, taking that wallet left in the locker room, peeking through that bedroom window, or driving through that red light? If you have a conscience, simply by thinking about such things, you will experience an immediate sense of discomfort “what psychologists refer to as the “classically conditioned anxiety response.” Now consider the bad things you've actually done and check in again with your feelings. If you've been humanely punished, you will feel guilt and remorse and this is what restrains you from future transgressions. If you have no such feelings, you’re probably a psychopath in need of a lobotomy.
Humane punishment allows us to contain the badness of children and focus on their God-given goodness. By making a clear distinction between right and wrong, we teach the values of respecting property and authority so kids can live with a sense of safety in a civilized and predictable world. But humane punishment isn’t like throwing a brick at a chicken; it’s actually a highly sensitive process that systematically quashes evil and reinforces goodness. And this principle is the glue that holds our most revered institutions together, from the Family to the Ministry of Defense. As the philosopher Thomas Hobbes so eloquently reminds us, without such restraints, our lives on this planet would be “nasty, brutish and short.”
Why is it then that so many parents and professionals seem to seem to lack the necessary commitment to punish willful wickedness? Well, the answer is simple – in most cases these pathetic weasels have never been punished themselves.
It’s the old story that you can’t give to others what you yourself don’t have. I’m fortunate to have had a father that cared enough to punish me royally whenever the need arose. Of course, I didn’t like it at the time, and I sometimes rebelled, but he was always there for me, turning the caring screw of parenthood until it finally sunk in that his authority was not something to be messed with. He knew instinctively that the pain should be sharp, immediate and certain. Yet, he was a sensitive man who would often take the time to explain his actions, even though I needed no explanation. On one occasion he said, “Son, this is going to hurt me more that it’s going to hurt you,” and, with that, he slapped himself across the face. He was just that kind of guy. But I always knew exactly what I’d done and, deep down, I understood that he was only trying to help me. On another occasion, I remember seeing tears in his eyes as he let me out of the tool shed and, in that moment, I realized that my pain was also his pain. Later, when I told him that I had fully deserved the discipline, he took me in his arms and we wept together. He knew, as I did, that I had learned to take my punishment like a man and that I was ready to take full responsibility for my own wickedness. It was a moment when that magical bond between a father and his son was consummated. Thanks to him, I have become the person I am today. Furthermore, I am now able to punish others, though always in their best interests.
But what about those adults, who never had the benefit of such a caring parent? Well the good news is that it’s never too late to make up for the deficiencies of a deprived childhood. Adults who wish to rectify this developmental defect within themselves have two possible options.
The most effective method is to find a partner who is competent in the art of humane punishment and negotiate a suitable contract. Marriage is an ideal arrangement, since most of us instinctively go off in search of spouses who can give us what our parents failed to give, whether that be punishment or a trip to Disneyland. Being locked into a life-long commitment means that virtually every aspect of marriage, from sex to painting the guest-room, can become an arena in which punishment can be lovingly given and gratefully received.
But, for those not yet ready to take the vows of Holy Matrimony, there are other possibilities. There may well be a friend, a colleague or, better still, a boss who can be knowingly or unwittingly co-opted into the project. If money is not an issue, there is also wide variety of professional services, many of which will offer money-back guarantees. But, whatever the choice, the most critical factor is that the punishee must not be allowed to head for the hills when the punisher swings into action “this will simply intensify the problem.
If a suitable relational arrangement cannot be established, the other option is self-punishment. I realize this might conjure up all kinds of repulsive fantasies in your minds but, as a therapeutic strategy, systematic self-punishment is actually a highly disciplined learning process that can be incredibly effective in enhancing guilt and modifying anti-social behavior. However strange it might seem to the uninitiated, those who practice self-punishment generally draw high levels of satisfaction, and even pleasure, from the experience. This is neither the time nor the place to discuss the specific techniques of self-punishment, although most of you will already be familiar with some of the more common methods. Anyone interested in learning more about this therapeutic strategy can give me a call at 666-7777 after 6 p.m. (except on Sundays or during “Hockey Night in Canada").
Returning to the problems of today’s youth, one of the main reasons why parents and professionals have turned away from punishment is because they've been bamboozled into thinking of kids as innocent “creatures of the universe” that need to be “honored,” “validated, “resonated with” . . . or whatever. According to this New Age clap-trap, childhood wickedness and adolescent terrorism are the result of developmental “injuries” (Oh that word!) inflicted by poor or abusive parenting. So it’s the parents who are supposed to feel guilty? “how cute! In this inversion of logic and common-sense, many professionals have come to regard even the most obnoxious kids as innocent victims who need “healing” rather than discipline, training and correction. I’ve even heard some Child and Youth Care Workers referring to themselves as “healers.” Whatever you might think about this distorted ideology, there can be no doubt that adults have handed their power over to their kids and, all across the Western world, we see entitled kids getting everything they want and demanding more.
But we are entering another Age – an age of moral reasoning and justice. Finally some of our world leaders are declaring war on the forces of evil that surround us. We can support these visionaries in many ways but none better than finding the courage to intervene in the eternal battle between good and evil that rages in our children. Our children are our future. But first we must dismiss the romantic nonsense of the mush peddlers and who like to talk about childhood innocence.
Children are sinners, just like the rest of us. When it comes down to it, they don’t give a monkey’s toss for anybody but themselves. In psychiatric terms they are all psychopaths from the moment of conception until they learn that there is more to life than self-gratification.
The human fetus has absolutely no regard for the father whose seed gave it life and the mother whose body it consumes. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not blaming the fetus because, at this stage it doesn’t know any better. My point is that, at the early possible moment in its development, the child should come to know about the parental sacrifices and learn ways to show its gratitude and respect. And we don’t have to wait for the development of the neo-cortex. Guilt is first and foremost a somatic, or bodily experience and, according to recent developments in pre and peri-natal psychology, we can now intervene much earlier than we ever thought possible. Who knows, with the development of new child-rearing technologies, the day may well come when children are born into this world as pro-social beings that have already learned to control their primitive urges and know what they must do to please their parents.
Meanwhile, we who work as professionals must continue our efforts to clean up the mess. And if you think you can do this without punishment, go smoke another joint.
