Listen to thisIn 1994 I attended my first National Child and Youth Care Conference in Edmonton, Alberta. At that time, I was supervising a group home for 5 boys. I had been in this job for almost 2 years, and I was struggling.
I had a good idea of what child and youth care practice could look like, based on all the books and articles I had read by Mark Krueger, Larry Brendtro, Henry Maier, Leon Fulcher, Gerry Fewster, Lorraine Fox, Thom Garfat – the people who were writing about child and youth care at that time. But what I was reading and what I was experiencing were not the same. In my interpretation of the texts, young people in group care should be engaging harmoniously with the staff in activities and household responsibilities, collaborating on the acquisition of their goals, participating in group discussions and working through problems together in a “positive peer culture” (Brendtro & Vorrath, 1985). Group care was a bubbling cauldron of opportunity, limited only by the creativity and ingenuity of the staff team.
In my reality, objects were flying across the house, fists were going through walls, the contents of the fridge were emptied onto the kitchen floor at an alarming rate, and “f--k off” was the most common method of greeting.
Within the staff team of our group home, there was a split. Half the team was focused on building relationships, ignoring many of the behaviours and trying to attend to the underlying needs (without really having the skills or experience to do this) and the other half was adamant that there needed to be more consequences for the behaviours (which translated into greater punishment).Our program model at the time was a “points and level system” which had generally eroded to staff standing over young people with a clipboard ticking off points while young people retorted with: f—k, f—k, f---k, f—k, f—k, f—k, f—k….how many points is that?”
The focus of most of our staff meetings was swearing and how to deal with it.
I went to the conference in Edmonton on a quest to learn the answer to this most important question: “What do you do when the kids swear?” I accosted everyone I met, and one clear answer emerged: “It depends.”
That was not helpful in the moment. Throughout the course of the conference, however, I began to realize that I had been looking for something that did not exist – simple answers to complex problems. And I had been asking the wrong question.
Becoming a relational child and youth care practitioner
Relational child and youth care practice is challenging and complicated. At the beginning it can seem like other practitioners know a secret that you don’t have access to. In a way, they do. Confident and experienced practitioners work with different young people than do new and/or scared practitioners. When practitioners are in control of their own thoughts, feelings and behaviours, and believe that they can manage any situations that arise, they create an atmosphere of safety that helps young people to regulate their own feelings. When practitioners are fearful, avoid challenging situations, and (inadvertently) relinquish control of their thoughts and emotions to the young people, no one feels safe, and chaos can ensue.
In child and youth care practice, the only way to become competent is to plunge headfirst into the abyss. Hesitating on the sidelines and waiting for it to get easier is a guaranteed way to stand still. The work gets easier after you become comfortable wading through the hard stuff.
Where to begin?
The first step to becoming competent is developing the capacity to set boundaries and limits. When you show up at work, you need to appear cool and confident, even if you are quivering inside. You must deal decisively with situations that require immediate intervention. Uncertainty, waffling or, alternatively, being overly controlling, will make the situation worse.
If you don’t know how to set limits, if your own boundaries are not well developed, seek help from your colleagues and supervisor. If your boundaries are too closed and you are too authoritarian, you will need help as well. This is not a step you can skip over. Healthy boundaries are the foundation of a healthy relationship. Boundaries and limits are necessary for establishing safety and trust.
Do you even like young people?
Someone once told me that our young people don’t need adults who are trying to save them (that does not tend to work out very well anyway), they need adults who genuinely like children and youth and want to spend time with them. This is the first step of relational practice. Go to work excited about what the day will bring, eager to connect with the young people and engage in exciting activities. Delight in their misadventures and look for the humor in the stressful situations. Find joy in the chaos!
What happens on your shift is influenced by what you are thinking before you even walk through the door to your program.
Hanging in
If you are finding the work hard, it will get better. But that only happens when we actively work on helping ourselves become better. Our young people grow – or stay stuck – right alongside us. It is possible for group care to look like it does in the books – but that takes time, effort, knowledge, skill and patience.
There are no quick fixes to healing developmental trauma, or remediating the pain caused by relational injuries.
Reference
Brendtro, L. K. & Vorrath, H. H. (1985). Positive Peer Culture (2nd Edition). Aldine Publishing Company.
