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Navigating Grief in Child and Youth Care

Harrison Dax Nash

Introduction

Within child and youth care practice we are often working with children who have experienced profound loss. The news of a loved one’s death has an immediate, complex and deeply personal impact on the children we work with. It is something that I have had to approach frequently over the years, and this has helped my own understanding of how practitioners can respond sensitively and with the right level of compassion.

From the environment we create, to the emotional readiness we bring, all these factors influence a child’s processing of loss. At the same time, no two situations are ever the same, but certain themes emerge both in practice and throughout the literature. In this article, I will endeavour to draw on practice examples whilst also exploring theoretical perspectives and practical guidelines to help highlight the essential role practitioners have and providing direct support to help children navigate the cyclical nature of mourning.

Breaking the News

Over the years I have, unfortunately, been involved in breaking the news to numerous children of loved one’s passing away. In more recent years our older youth may be more likely to hear the news themselves – e.g. through a phone or even social media - and need us to console them afterwards, but as practitioners we always need to be emotionally prepared to inform children of such sad news knowing the detrimental impact it can have on their life (Thompson, 2019). My own personal tips around this is to not build up the conversation too long before getting to telling them what has happened – often children’s anxiety can rise rapidly if they feel that they are about to receive negative information and therefore we need to try and get to informing them promptly whilst being ready to deal with the emotional aftermath and response (Daly & Woods, 2012).

Further, consider the environment in which you take the child to inform them of what has taken place. I have never done this in an office but tried to walk with the child to a quiet place – ideally in nature or a garden space – where there are limited distractions or disruptions. This sometimes needs planning, because the child’s own reaction can be unpredictable, and we need to ensure the environment is at least as calming as one can manage in the moment. Again however, if we are unnaturally taking the child to a location far away from where they stay, it can also present feelings of uncertainty, so we need to factor that in our plans too (Rutland County Council, 2019). We also do not want one specific place to be continually associated as somewhere that ‘sad news’ is given.

I have decided to share some of the cases that I have remembered over the years because all of them illustrate the multitude of different scenarios that we can encounter in relation to children and grief:

• One girl aged 6 had been placed at our youth centre for only a couple weeks. Her mother had substance misuse issues and had abandoned her child at the shelter in which she was staying. The mother had then overdosed and unfortunately passed away. As this girl was most comfortable in speaking Xhosa, I told the news to her along with one of our child and youth care workers, sitting on a bench in a garden. At first, this girl was totally shocked, and appeared confused, before calling out ‘mama’ and being inconsolable. We had to inform the other girls who she stayed in a house with and fortunately in this regard they were all collectively supportive. With the counselling and assistance, she was then given, including a very nurturing pre-school environment where she also excelled at dancing, she was able to do very well and was ultimately reunified with her Grandparents which made for a positive outcome for this young lady.
• Two teenagers aged 13 and 15. The younger female sibling was generally seen as more expressive and had a penchant for drama, whereas the older brother was milder mannered and studious. Unfortunately, their mother had passed away some years earlier before they arrived at the youth centre, and it had taken a considerable amount of time to trace their paternal family. As such they had not had as long to re-formulate a relationship with their father, who himself had challenges with alcohol and on-going health issues. Having said that, the news of his passing did seem to be very sudden. It was also not lost on me that this would be the loss of their second parent. The three of us went on a walk to our nearby field area, and whilst the sister was very upset, the brother was most deeply affected even remarking that he should just go and ‘kill himself’ and ‘throw his life away’ just like his father had. I had to re-visit this with him later because of course as practitioners we always need to attend to any ideations of suicide, although ultimately, he reframed this himself as being determined not to repeat the same mistakes that his father had made in his life. Of course, in residential care we know there are always added complexities with grief, because there is always a reason for why the child is unable to stay with their parent However, both siblings ultimately completed high school successfully and went on to carve higher education and work pathways for themselves, with them both finding extensive involvement in extra-curricular activity to be a positive outlet for themselves.
• The final one that stands out is three siblings, at the time age 9, 12 and 14. The two younger siblings were girls – although one more introverted and one more extroverted, whereas the older brother had a perceived harder exterior. In this instance it was an aunt and uncle who had passed away, but in a violent shooting. As such, it was a completely unexpected situation. There was a secluded area under trees where we could sit together, but the news was especially shocking to them and I had to enlist the support of our child and youth care workers because ultimately these children stayed in different houses at our centre – as the living spaces were divided by gender – but clearly all the children were needing a collective level of emotional support. It was particularly striking to me that the boy – who would be the least expected to have an expressive reaction – was outwardly most devastated, collapsing to the ground in a profound display of grief and tears. Counselling was of course needed as a priority in this regard. Whilst the siblings may have shown a level of resilience following this, as practitioners we should be aware that such situations always need on-going monitoring because PTSD can also be triggered from a traumatic loss (Thompson, 2019).

While this article will explore grief from a more theoretical perspective, I always find that reflections from our own practice examples are some of the most powerful sources of learning we can have. It is also worth noting that all of us need to be aware of the idea of ‘vicarious trauma’ and ensure we take proactive steps to aide our own mental health and wellbeing (Daly & Woods, 2012).

Before I look further at theory, I also wanted to share one further reflection which is around the impact of Covid-19. Within residential care, as I am sure many of those reading this will relate to, we were seen as essential workers and ultimately had to make many adjustments aligned with the guidelines and recommendations around ‘social distance’. One thing that was experienced as very difficult during this time was when children experienced a loss of loved ones, and we had to also navigate attendance of such events as funerals whilst then having an appropriate level of isolation on return from this. Whilst the adaptations that were needed to be made at a child and youth care centre during the pandemic is a whole other journal article in itself, I genuinely also want to commend the child and youth care sector at large for their own commitment, resilience and creativity, as this experience made very clear (Sebastian & Sathyamurthi, 2025). Here, we also saw how significant the unique form of care provided by child and youth care workers in the life space is, as children also had to contend with enormous feelings of hurt and uncertainty (Swanzen and Jonker, 2021).

Theoretical Context to Grief in Children

Often, we associate grief mainly with the loss of loved ones. However, it is important to see grief as an intense emotional reaction to a loss. This is not exclusive to death – feelings of grief can also occur when there is:

•  Loss in the environment.
•  Loss related to skills and abilities.
•  Loss of external objects.
•  Loss of relationships.
•  Loss of self.

This broader understanding of grief is consistent with contemporary bereavement theory, which recognises that grief can arise from many forms of loss, not only death (Daly & Woods, 2012). Whilst the focus of this article may draw on examples specifically around bereavement, this broader acknowledgement is also important. As I have often spoken of with our child and youth care workers, even children being taken away from their home environment – however the conditions may have been – has grief attached to it.

Common responses to grief can show themselves in ways that can be physical, behavioural, emotional, academic, social and spiritual. There is also not a ‘one size fits all’ approach to dealing with grief – a child can be as likely to display behaviours that are aggressive as much as they can display behaviours that are regressive. Such signs are covered extensively in available literature on the topic (Sebastian & Sathyamurthi, 2025).

If we now look at cognitive responses in relate to death, at times children may seem preoccupied with the person who is deceased – even looking to have conversations with them or appearing to look for them. This can cross into hallucinations, such as believing they see or hear the deceased. Concentration can be affected which can include a lack of orientation of time and place, with short-term memory lapses also occurring. These cognitive reactions are well‑documented in child bereavement research (Thompson, 2019).

As practitioners we also need to know that, whilst all matters need to be handled sensitively, children should also not be protected from grief, funerals or issues of death and dying in general. Adults cannot shield children from sorrow caused by death but can guide and comfort them through their mourning (McEntire, 2004). Children need to be educated in terms they can understand. This links to the developmental stages of children which impacts on their comprehension of grief as follows (NASP, 2015):

There are also other important points to consider when it comes to grief. Whilst children feel the pain of loss, they do not yet possess the coping skills that adults have developed. As such, feelings of grief are more often expressed through behaviour. Children may also hide sadness or deny the reality. It is also important to see grief as cyclical – reoccurring again over time. This aligns with the “continuing bonds” perspective, which recognises that grief re-emerges at different developmental stages (Klass et al, 1996).

In residential care settings there is an essential need to ensure grief is sufficiently worked through. Perhaps a child is placed in a home soon after the death of a parent for example, and the usual steps that take place on a new admission of a child end up taking priority over the immediate need for counselling and therapeutic support. It is easy for this to inadvertently take place! Then the observation feedback shows that this child is very well adjusted and has quickly made new friends. But then, when we see complex behaviours from this child a couple years later? Or conduct that is considered ‘explosive’ in nature? It can be easy to gloss over the impact of the initial loss, and the cyclical nature of what we see further down the line. We must also note the importance of a comprehensive child-friendly social work assessment (Ziyambi, 2020) as this helps to guide a lot of the intervention planning for the child. In South Africa, the initial assessment needs to be done within 48 hours of the child being placed at the centre (Children’s Act 2005) but does not mean the assessment process cannot be expanded upon.

In my own work providing therapy, I remember using Gestalt play therapy with art and seeing one teenager’s projections being the word ‘Mom’ on the clouds in the sky. The pain had not been dealt with, but this ‘unfinished business’ had been manifesting itself as anger in terms of behaviour. We can also see how play therapy can allow traumatised children to overcome anxiety and express themselves in a nonverbal and non-threatening way (Burgh, 2016). There is also evidence to suggest males may be more silent in their grief, but more likely to exhibit addictive behaviours (Stroebe & Schut, 1995) and as such creative approaches to therapeutic intervention should be utilised as a preventative measure. If insufficient attention is paid to supporting the grieving child, disturbances can continue into adulthood (Berg, 2006).

In general, there are four tasks grieving children must complete for recovery from grief. Social workers and child and youth care workers should be aware of the intrinsic role they have in providing support for such children during this process. The tasks are:

• Acknowledging the reality of the loss.
• Experiencing the feelings of grief and confronting the pain of the loss.
• Adjusting to a way of life without the person who died, the lost object or the change in the family.
• Re-entering life – becoming involved with others.

These tasks align with Worden’s widely recognised “Tasks of Mourning” (2009).

Words and Actions to Avoid

Another important point to cover is ‘What should I NOT do?’

I am acutely aware that most literature will guide us on what we should be doing to help children process grief, but on an innately human level it is also helpful for us to be told what we should not be doing, or what might not be conducive to helping children to cope with their loss.

For those working with families, the following points can also be helpful in relation to teaching parents as well:

•  DO NOT suggest that the child has grieved long enough or indicate that the child should get over it
•  DO NOT act as if nothing happened
•  DO NOT tell a child things that she/he will later need to unlearn
• DO NOT force them to go to the funeral if they adamantly refuse to go or (importantly) deny them the opportunity to go to the funeral home for the visitation or funeral if they do want to
• DO NOT rely on a child for your own emotional support
•  DO NOT burden your child with adult responsibilities
•  DO NOT try to protect a child from your own sad feelings
•  DO NOT say things like:
  • “I know how you feel.”
  • “You’ll be stronger because of this.”
  • “It could be worse you still have …” .

The above cautions reflect best‑practice bereavement guidance (Thompson, 2019). For many of those reading this, the initial response may be ‘but I would never say this’. However, I have often seen a bias that may creep in, for example, your colleague who has a depressive episode when it comes to the anniversary of their father’s death. Meanwhile, your own father died more recently, and you are judgemental in your outlook, believing they should have ‘got over it’. Again, this speaks to the fact that all our experiences with grief are completely unique and naturally the same applies to the children we work with.

Remember, grief itself is open-ended and continually transformed as we go through life and experience further losses. But as practitioners, if we struggle with our own grief, it will be difficult to work in the presence of another person’s grief. This is consistent with research on vicarious trauma in helping professionals (Daly & Woods, 2012).

Helpful Strategies

Ultimately, it is important for us all to upskill ourselves in relation to the most helpful strategies when it comes to working with grieving children. Specifically in residential care, there is a higher occurrence of loss in relation to loved ones. There can also be a multitude of complexities with this, as the exact nature of the child’s relationship with that person may be unclear, and the grief must be navigated externally to the family home (Thompson, 2019).

While this is not a complete list, all of the points can be valuable in our approach to grieving children and young people (Daly & Woods, 2012):

•  It is better for the child to learn about the loss from a family member (or refer to someone equipped to break the news to the child) – in residential care it is important the practitioner breaking the news to a child has a pre-existing relationship with them and that matters such as home language is given consideration – the rest of the team should also be informed.
• Answer questions with honesty and provide facts.
• Use accurate words, such as died (or, in another context, divorced).
• Provide developmentally appropriate definitions of words.
• Reassure that death is not “contagious”.
• Talk about and encourage discussion of the person (or pet) using names and memories.
• Where suitable, involve the child in decisions about attending the funeral or memorial service.
• Prepare the child for what will happen, what they will see and how people will behave at the funeral or memorial service.
• Model appropriate responses to loss.
• Offer physical contact (like hugs) and nurturing if the child responds to this, but respect personal boundaries and preferences.
• Encourage and allow fun and happy times.
• Ask and discuss “What do you need to comfort yourself?” - create with the child a list of comfort strategies.
• Listen much and say little.
• Acknowledge feelings with a word. “Oh … I see … mmmmm …” [active listening].
• Keep lines of communication open.
• Be aware of religious beliefs in explaining to the child.
• Reassure the child that all emotions (sadness, anger, relief, guilt) are normal responses to loss.
• If possible, teach the child about death (depending on age and developmental phase).
• Give the feeling a name e.g. “That sounds frustrating.” “You sound lonely.” “It sounds like you are worried.” – in general feeling identification is very important in terms of engaging in any therapeutic process (Sebastian & Sathyamurthi, 2025).
• Be gentle and patient.
• Allow for expression of feelings but not in a way that hurts others, property or the child themselves e.g. “I can see how angry you are about … tell me with words (or draw me a picture), it is not okay to hit.”
• Plan an activity such as planting a tree, a memory book, or participate in the funeral in an appropriate way.
• Reassure the child of your love and support.
• Address the child’s unspoken feelings.
• Help the child to use their grief positively. For example, help others in similar situations – in practice the commonality of children in residential care having endured similar grief experiences can be emotionally bonding.
• Provide structure and routine with flexibility as needed.
• Reassure the child that he or she did not cause the death (or breakup, etc.)
• Include the child in the process of acceptance and healing.
• Encourage drawing, reading, playing, art, music, dance, acting and/or sports – this is where it is always important to ‘know your child’ and understand what they like to do.
• Allow for some regressive behavior and offer comfort.
• Expect and accept mood swings.
• Be proactive and inform children about changes in routine, expectations, etc. Consistency and predictability are important, whenever possible.
• Try to ensure plenty of sleep, proper nutrition, exercise and quiet time.
• Provide or replace items that provide security.
• Holidays and anniversaries can be especially painful – be aware of these where possible (such as Mother’s Day and Father’s Day)

Coping Mechanisms

I also feel that it is important that as practitioners we have a ‘toolbox’ of practical ideas that we can use to help children within the grieving process. I often mention to our team that within our ‘Individual Development Plan’ for children in our care the tasks to reach the goals should be explicitly mentioned along with the responsible team members. We all have a responsibility to help the child achieve in all areas with relation to the ‘circle of courage’ model we commonly utilise.

Coping strategies are not as predictable in children – noting that children respond differently to different techniques – but there are various bereavement rituals and activities that can be used to assist the child (Miller et al, 2020):

• Wearing/carrying a special object – a special object that reminds them of a loved one can be offered to be worn or carried or kept in a special place.
• Recalling dreams – children might have vivid dreams in which the loved one appears – expect feelings to arise and help the child express and release them – there is also therapeutic work involving dreams that can be looked at, inclusive of utilizing a Gestalt approach.
• Writing or drawing thoughts and feelings – many children express themselves through creative methods (this can trigger emotions but can be a release).
• Writing a letter to the person who died.
• Creating a memory box – the child can place special objects, photographs, messages, letters, thoughts and feelings in this.
• Doing something the deceased would enjoy – leading to an eventual acceptance of the loss.

By creating rituals, children are given an opportunity to reflect, express, share and release their emotions in significant times. A sense of purpose, integrity and empathy, as well as an understanding of the deeper meaning of life, is given space to blossom. On an even deeper level, through rituals, children realize they are not isolated or separate, whether in their joy or in their pain. Recognizing these significant events through ritual allows us to process our emotions in a healthy way (Daly & Woods, 2012).

Seeking Help

Should the intensity of the reaction to grief becomes uncontrolled and destructive, it may be that more advanced psychological and psychiatric support is needed. We should also be able to mitigate to ourselves that such assistance should be seen as part of a broader multi-agency collaborative approach to helping the child navigate a difficult period of their life (Daly & Wood, 2012).

The specific warning signs that could lead you to take such referral steps would be (Thompson, 2019):

• Extreme and sustained changes in behaviour after loss.
• Grieving process seems to interfere with the child’s daily functioning for an extended period.
• If the expression of, or lack of, feelings seems too strong for what is happening or lasts too long and presents concern.
• Exhibiting self-destructive behavior.
• Getting into trouble with the law.
• Extreme belligerent (aggressive) acting-out, destructive or impulsive behavior that has a detrimental impact on those around the child.
• Expresses suicidal ideation.
• Prolonged appetite changes that cause severe weight gain or loss.
• Erratic sleep patterns that leave them unable to rest, or (adversely) sleep excessively at unusual times.
• Long term withdrawal from peers or family.
• Inability to experience pleasure.
• Feeling overwhelmed by anger, fear or hopelessness.
• Only feeling happy when using drugs and/or alcohol.
• Sharp drop in school performance or refusal to attend school.

Grieving is as natural
as crying when you hurt,
sleeping when you are tired,
eating when you are hungry,
or sneezing when
your nose itches.
It is nature’s way of
healing a broken heart.

Doug Manning

This reminder aligns with contemporary grief theory, which emphasises that grief is a natural, adaptive process rather than a pathology (Sebastian & Sathyamurthi, 2025).

Conclusion

Supporting children with grief is a profound responsibility of our practice, and there are a diverse range of responses and eventualities that can take place. While we can use information such as the developmental stage of the child to help us prepare, grief is not a linear process, and we must prioritise the child’s own emotional safety. Ideally, supporting children with grief is a team approach and as practitioners we should also avoid minimising their personal experience.

By ensuring we have a full toolbox of strategies and coping mechanisms, we can complement our genuine care with practical support that helps blend human empathy with professional knowledge. Our own approach to grief can support healing whilst also strengthening foundations for resilience, connection and hope.

References

Berg, A. (2006). The bereaved family – the child’s perspective. CYC-Online, 87, April 2006.

Burgh, N. V. (2016). Effects of Gestalt play therapy in addressing symptoms associated with trauma in children in middle childhood. University of Pretoria, South Africa.

Daly, C., & Woods, F. (2012). Contemporary theories of grief and loss for children and families. Oxford Textbook of Palliative Care for Children.

Klass, D., Silverman., P.R., Nickman, S.L. (1996) Continuing bonds: New understandings of grief. Washington. Taylor & Francis

McEntire, N. (2004). Children and Grief. CYC-Online, 60, January 2004.

Millar, R., Quinn, N., Cameron, J., Colson, A. (2020). An overview of evidence‑based interventions for children and young people experiencing bereavement, loss and grief. Glasgow. Mental Health Foundation.

National Association of School Psychologists. (2015). Children’s reactions to death: A guide for teachers and other school personnel. NASP.

Rutland County Council. (2019). Bereavement theories.

Sebastian, A., & Sathyamurthi, K. (2025). Revisiting grief: Classical and contemporary theories on childhood parental loss. International Journal of Indian Psychology, 13(3).

South African Children’s Act 38 of 2005. Available at: https://www.justice.gov.za/legislation/acts/2005-038%20childrensact.pdf

Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1995). Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement.

Swanzen, R., Jonker, G. (2021). COVID‑19 and Alternative Care in South Africa: Children’s Responses to the Pandemic (2021). Institutionalised Children: Explorations and Beyond, 8(1).

Thompson, S. (2019). Theories around loss & bereavement.

Worden, J. W. (2009). Grief Counselling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner. 4e. Springer, NY.

Ziyambi, T. (2020). An Explorative Study of the Experiences of Social Workers in Providing Therapeutic Services to Children in CYCCs. University of KwaZulu‑Natal.