Gift Horses

Nils Ling

My mother always used to say, “Never look a gift horse in the mouth."

(Well, she didn'talwayssay it. That would be fairly eccentric behaviour: “So, Mrs. Ling, we have your test results back and the news isn't good ...". “Never look a gift horse in the mouth.". “Huh?")

But she said it often enough to impress upon us that we should appreciate the gifts that were given us and accept them with grace and gratitude for the sentiment attached.

Years ago, my brother brought a new girlfriend over at Christmas. My Mom had bought her a present, and she unwrapped it, surrounded by our family. We were being as loud and boisterous as any large family at Christmas as this girl opened the box and pulled out a purse.

"Oh," she said. “I don't like large purses." She set it down, and only then became aware of the hideous, appalled silence that had descended upon the room.

"What? I like small purses."

My brother broke up with her just after New Year's Eve.

We got a lot of gifts from my parents over the years, and never once did any of us have the temerity to suggest that we didn't love any gift. It was just not done. Ever. If you got a sweater and it was too large, you shut up and grew until it fit. If you didn't like the colour? Well, just shut up.

My wife's family has a whole different view.

In her family, if you don't like a gift, you ask for the receipt. It is not considered a deep affront to the person giving the gift. In fact, the giver is expected to cheerfully hand over the receipt and be delighted that it will be used for something the person really wanted. Where in my family, the onus was on the receiver to enjoy the present, in hers it was on the giver to make sure the person got the perfect gift.

Well, I had problems with that on a number of levels. First, it went against everything I learned as a child. But secondly, it posed great potential for me to look like a cheapskate.

I love shopping. I am a fierce shopper. I know there are deals out there, and I will find them. It is not just part of the fun of shopping; to me, it is all the fun. I take a lot of joy in having people say, “I love that shirt," and being able to tell a story that ends with “ ... so instead of $80, I paid $9.95.!"

Now, to me, that's still an $80 shirt. But some people would argue that it ceased being an $80 shirt when I paid under $10 for it. In my defence, they are wrong. It's an $80 shirt.

So, one Christmas, I got my sister-in-law a lovely sweater. It had originally been priced at well over $100, but was on a rack that had a big sign that said: “80% Off!". I took it to the counter, and it rang through at the original price. I balked, pointing out where I'd found it. The clerk said it must be there by mistake. Irrelevant, I argued. She was adamant. We called in the store manager. I made my points firmly and persistently, and finally, the manager just lost interest in the discussion and nodded to the clerk. Score!

So I gave it to my sister-in-law. It was the nicest sweater she'd ever received. I knew that. But she didn't like something about it – the colour, or perhaps the shoulder pads (hey, it was the '80s) – and sweetly asked me for the receipt. I reluctantly handed it over.

Well. She looked down at the receipt and her eyes widened. I had spent a whole $20 on her Christmas gift. It was ... embarrassing.

It's easier now, with family. My wife does pottery, so everybody gets handmade gifts – coffee cups, tea sets, vases. And there are no receipts. If they don't like the pottery she gives them, it's their problem.

(I wonder if that's what archaeologists find when they are unearthing old civilizations. “These people used a great deal of primitive pottery," they say. Meanwhile, the stash they found was a pile of gifts given to Grog and his wife by her sister Madge. “Geez, I wish she'd take up tole painting," says Grog, as he puts the latest urn with all the others.)

We all get gifts that aren't perfect. And you can make the argument that if you are giving something to someone else, you should be happy if they can turn your gift into something they love.

It just doesn't sit well with me. I take a more traditional, biblical view.

As the Good Book says, “It is better to get gifts than receipts." Or something like that.

This feature: From Nils Ling’s book Truths and Half Truths.