Listen to this
My friend Dave stands in front of a group of people, most of whom are in the room because they have experienced some trauma that led to significant disruption to their lives. They are participants in a program designed to help them understand and work toward overcoming the impacts of their Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). Dave holds out a beautiful green grape and asks what they would think if he offered to give them this grape, and as they reached for it, it exploded and covered them in juice and skins. They’d think that there was likely something wrong with that grape. But then Dave asks if he offered them this grape and as they reached for it he began to wrap his hand around it and squeeze, causing the grape to explode and cover them both with a mess. Is there something wrong with that grape? No, the grape had a perfectly normal and expected response to sustained and uncontrollable pressure. The application, he goes on to explain, is that people who are exposed to sustained and uncontrollable pressure (like ACEs), can also be expected to exhibit strong reactions to life’s circumstances. Dave reports that many people with whom he shares this analogy approach him in tears afterward because he has given them the “gift of normal” – they’ve always felt there was something wrong with them because they’ve never connected their own behaviour with their life experiences. It’s a simple way to express what we speak about often in CYC circles – that it’s not what’s wrong with us, it’s what’s happened to us. And understanding that can help us release some of the guilt, shame, stigma, taboo, or whatever else might be keeping us stuck.
The use of models, metaphors and analogies is something dear to my heart. I have found that these word pictures stick with me and help me understand the concepts of many of the excellent, well-researched, and straightforward lectures I have encountered. And beyond that, they help me communicate what I’ve learned to others in a simple way so that the concepts become transferable without my having to reproduce the entirety of the learning, and in a way that may be more accessible to those who need to hear it. I’ve probably used Dave’s grape analogy on a weekly basis as I talk to parents, young people, or friends caught in a cycle of addiction, about the impact of ACEs. A child can understand this, as can an adult who has not had the privilege of formal education in a given subject area. Will they be able to appreciate all the nuances and deeper context? Perhaps not. Might they be inspired to learn more, particularly when the concept may directly impact them and their ability to absorb the ideas for their personal use and growth? And might they find in the metaphor some relief of pain even, as they assimilate a new perspective on an idea or problem? I really think and hope so.
How many times have I found an application in daily life that helps
me discuss something difficult with a young person in my care? I recall
once being at the grocery store and needing to pick up 20 lbs of
potatoes. The young man accompanying me offered to carry them to the
cash register. (For the life of me I cannot recall why we didn’t just
have a shopping cart!) As we stood in line he turned to me and said “I
can’t carry this by myself any more.” So we shared the load and had an
amazing conversation about how many things in life are like this. We
think we can manage them on our own, but as time goes on we find our
heavy burden weighs us down more than we can bear, and we need help. We
talked about how difficult it can be to ask for help, but the reality
that help is often nearby and people are eager to lend a hand. Our young
people don’t always have the emotional vocabulary or comfort level to
jump into discussions about their need for support. But if we are
patient and pay attention, opportunities like this arise, and it’s up to
us to recognize and use them – even a sack of potatoes can be a great
teaching tool!
This is one of
the often used skills of the CYC-practitioner, closely related to the
use of daily life events, but really digging below the surface to find a
symbolic meaning. We’re like preachers or comedians in this way –
finding inspiration in daily life to communicate deeper truths (or
hilarious inconsistencies) to people around us, and hoping that what we
see and share will land well with them. And to be clear, I’m not
advocating we never get into the deep, nuanced, thorough explanations
and discussions of concepts we need to share and understand ourselves. I
appreciate too, that analogies fall apart at some point and may only be
useful as an introduction to many concepts. But I have found that in my
own practice and in my day to day, using analogies, metaphors and models
is a practical and impactful way to communicate. They can really help us
cut through some of the density and get to the heart of the matter.
So for those of you who’ve had the misfortune of being exposed to my Facebook profile where my other love language, puns, is on regular display, I leave you with this quote from Star Wars: Metaphors be with you.
