In my experience

Ray Dunning

My name is Ray Dunning. I am twenty-seven years old and I was born in Toxteth, Liverpool. By the time I was twelve, I had been moved ten times “between my mother, father, foster home and children's homes.

I settled in Manchester, where I now live and work. I left care at seventeen years old, and left school at fifteen and a half with no qualifications. I was worried. Where was I going to live? I had no family to support or help me “I was on my own.

I applied to join the army and marines, but failed the academic tests. It made me realise that I'd have to go it alone in a flat or bedsit, whatever was offered to me when I left care. Looking back, that was one of the scariest moments of my life “knowing that when I left, I'd got no one to help me through it.

I was lucky to get a nice flat offered to me, after looking at dozens of places. But as the dreaded day came nearer, I was very frightened and I felt very alone. After spending 85% of my life in a system that I understood and in which I felt safe, I was about to leave. I remember my last nights in care, lying in bed for hours and looking out of my bedroom window. I used to think, “What have I done to deserve this?”

After feeling sorry for myself, I decided that either you sink or you swim. I wasn't going to let myself be ruined by what had happened to me. After all, I had done nothing wrong. The day came when I was due to leave. At twelve o'clock, I was supposed to say goodbye to all the staff, the cleaners and kids. Instead, I woke up at about six o'clock in the morning, and packed my bags and belongings “which wasn't much. I took one last look over the place, shed a few tears and left at about half past six in the morning. At that moment, I decided I was going to make a success of my life. I never looked back.

The first night on my own was strange. I sat there with no furniture, curtains or carpets. There was no heating because it was due to be switched on the next day. Where were all the smells and sounds I was used to? Gone. It was very strange and lonely that night. I cried and was very scared.

As the days and weeks went by I kept myself going by saying, “I will be a success”. After a while, and a lot of loneliness, it gets easier or you get used to it. I had to be positive and push myself to keep going. Before leaving care, I had a couple of YTS jobs. Eventually, one led to a full-time job. It was something which I was good at. I knew that. with hard work and the will to succeed, I would pull through.

After about eight months, it did start to get easier. Then I met Sara. She helped me so much, and she showed me how to love. I owe a lot of my success and happiness to her. When she moved in with me, it was difficult at first but we pulled through. Sara came from a very middle class family who took to me very well, and me to them. I realised what it's like to have some sort of family who cared for me. When I was nineteen, I started my own menswear business with my manager at work. We both had savings and we were lucky to be able to borrow money from the bank. By the time I was twenty-one, I had two shops and drove a BMW “and had a car phone. It had taken me four tries to pass my driving test, but I wouldn't give in. Also, Sara and I bought our first house. Not bad for a boy who'd been in care!

By then, I had been with Sara for four years. We had a good relationship. A few years passed by, just living a normal life. My love for Sara grew stronger and we decided to get married. We did it in style! We hired a castle in Scotland, and invited friends and family. We had a very happy and lovely day. It was weird not having any of my own family there, just friends. But somehow it didn't matter, because the family I was about to marry into were already my family.

A few months later, Sara was pregnant. She told me on Christmas Eve! It was very strange becoming a father. I was very excited and unsure about the future “just like any young father would be. Once I'd sorted out my feelings and my fears, I knew I would make the best dad which any kid would want “like the one I had wanted. Being a father seems to come naturally to me, perhaps unlike being in a family.

Looking back on it, I am glad I was brought up in care. It was worth all the pain, rejection, loneliness and sadness to know that my parents didn't influence my life and mind like others have done.

Just because my parents didn't have those natural feelings towards me, it doesn't have to mean that I don't. I love every minute of having my own family and my own life. I like myself and I am very happy.

This feature: Dunning, R. (1995) In my experience. Who Cares? Vol.32 p 16