Our children: the theory and the practice

Kathleen Forristall

Kathleen Forristall is a second year Child and Youth Care student in St. John's, Newfoundland. She is also the “stepmother" of a sixteen-year-old who struggles with addiction. Recently, for a Special Issues course, students were asked to write a research paper and to present their findings to the class. What follows below is a copy of Kathleen's class presentation.

The topic I have chosen to speak to you about today is drug addiction; more specifically, adolescent drug addiction. Part of why I chose this topic is because I figured it made sense to do something that interests me. The other reason I chose it is because I really thought I had a pretty good grasp on “addiction". I thought I’d give myself a head start, so to speak. I was wrong. Or at least knowing what’s written about addiction and putting it into practice are two very different things. I can honestly say that I learned a whole lot of things that are relevant in my personal life that will never make it into my paper. For me, this has been the most challenging of all the assignments we've done.

I remember the day we were passed this assignment. I went down the list of possible topics and stopped as soon as I saw the word “addiction". When we got into discussion about the areas we would be covering, I thought, this won’t be too difficult because I already know some of this stuff. I'll do a bit on a strengths-based approach. I figured I had my work cut out for me because I do this at home everyday – or at least I give it my best effort. I'll talk about the role of the Child and Youth Care worker and the challenges they face when working with a young person who has an addiction.

We were told pretty early on in the course about arrested development. We know how habitual substance abuse in adolescents leads to them not meeting developmental tasks. We, as Child and Youth Care Workers, can provide opportunities for accelerated developmental growth. We will be trained in teaching communication skills, coping skills, decision making skills, and impulse control. We can assist with the expression of feelings and emotions, boosting self-esteem, and model appropriate ways to use leisure time. Indeed, this was what we signed up for.

If part of being a Child and Youth Care worker is being empathic when dealing with family dynamics, then I’ve learned a lot since this assignment was first handed out. But if not taking things personally is also the role of an effective Child and Youth Care worker, then I have a whole lot of learning to do.

You know, I tell people all the time about how much this course has taught me about myself. Well lately I’ve been learning some things about me that I really don’t like. We are taught to separate the person from the problem. Easier said then done. It’s simple enough to say that a person is not their addiction, but it’s their drunken silhouette you see coming through your door. It’s his voice you hear denying that he has taken your personal belongings to sell for a few dollars. Or even worse, he admits to doing it, and appears to have no remorse at all.

I mean, we all know what we’re supposed to do. Focus on what the young person is doing right. But what happens when you see the ratio of positive and problematic behaviors and attitudes shift so drastically. That’s not really a question because I already know the answer. If all you can find is one positive, then work from there. Meet them where they are – even if where they are changes hourly.

It’s funny – during my research I read an article that compared being the child of a person who has an addiction with being on a roller coaster. Apparently it’s the same on the other side. You just feel like your flying by the seat of your pants.

I really don’t mean to compare my situation with that of a child whose relationship with an inconsistent parent lays the foundation for all future relationships. I just feel like I’m walking on egg shells all the time. On the other hand, I’m able to see it somewhat from a “parent's" side as well. And to further complicate things, I’m feeling like a Child and Youth Care worker whose every intervention has failed.

I guess that being in a sort of parental role in which the child has an addiction, will indeed affect my work in the future. I expect by that time, I will have better learned to deal with all of this. I would hope that my experience will allow me to be less judgmental when working with parents of adolescents in similar situations. I think it becomes so easy for us in this course to wonder why any parent would not just do what the books say. I have the advantage of having read the course material and I wasn’t able to do it.

I'll tell you now about some of the things parents are encouraged to do when their child has a substance abuse problem. Let them suffer the consequences of their behavior. This is crucial, because without this, they will never have to admit that they have a problem. we’re called enablers – those of us who have bailed the young person we love out of situations that we feared would cause him harm. While it may not sound complicated to those not emotionally invested, it’s another story when your son says he fears for his physical safety.

When the situation gets really bad, you’re supposed to put them out of the house. And who decides what’s really bad. Is it the first time he comes home high after he has supposedly cleaned up his act? Is it when the name calling begins again? Or maybe it’s when things start disappearing out of the house again or when you find out that he’s been kicked out of addictions group. While all of these seem like justifiable reasons, even on their own, the people on the inside are trying so desperately to keep it together.

And I don’t mean so that the neighbors won’t talk. We are well beyond that, although I’m sure our needs come into the picture. What I am talking about though, is worrying about what will happen if he’s asked to leave. Where will he go? Will things get worse for him before they get better? I’m actually okay with him not liking me – I know that comes with the territory sometimes. I’m just afraid that we won’t ever get the chance to repair that relationship.

My greatest fear is that he won’t make it. I know that most people do. I’ve read that youth who express significant drug use as an adolescent are not necessarily going to express the same level of use as an adult because there is a maturing or leveling off process during their mid-twenties. That’s little comfort to a parent of a sixteen year old.

Okay, so we've done what the “experts" say to do. We asked him to leave last Saturday. So now things should feel better right? I mean, I know we’re doing the right thing. I know this is in his best interest – I really do. We didn’t kick him out and say that we never wanted to see him again. It was more like – I love you and you have to leave. Did you notice the “and" instead of “but"? I told you I was practicing the solution-focused stuff – for all the good that it’s done us.

So we asked him to stay in touch and told him that the door would be open when he decides he’s ready to live here again. I have not spoken with him since Saturday. I miss his smile and him bugging me when I’m trying to do my homework. Come to think of it, I missed his smile the whole week before we asked him to leave. I guess we put him out there with the hopes of it one day returning for good.

I guess what I’d like you to take away from this is that we’re going to have to work very hard at this stuff. we’re all here complaining about the heavy workload, but the real challenge lies ahead. Anyway, I hope that this little view of what it’s like on the inside will help you in your future work. That is part of the reason I chose to do my presentation this way. Another part of me just needed to be able to vent in a safe place.

Thanks!