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Listen to thisWe try to apply it to everything we do, including our relationships. Unfortunately, people are not the same as computers and machines. While process and systems technology may work great when dealing with inanimate objects, it falls flat on its proverbial technological face when it comes to the people interactions and relationships.
Thankfully, this mechanistic world view is changing, albeit slowly. A few firms are beginning to recognize the importance of building solid relationships, not only with their external customers, but more importantly, with the people inside the company itself. In his book, They Shoot Managers, Don’t They, T. L. Paulson says that, “Relationships are like a deposit system. Put something in before you try to take something out."
The missing “something"
It is hard to put “something" in when you are not clear about what that “something" should be. Is that “something" the manipulative, controlling
devices that companies have relied on for years to get their employees
to be compliant and do their jobs? Or, is that “something" the higher
order values like trust, and loyalty, and commitment that are clearly
missing in many organizations today?
In my opinion, a manager’s number one priority is to grow, strengthen, and develop the people within the department. This builds trust and creates community and commitment. Putting this into linear terms, we get people = 1st, results = 2nd. To share a “Flagelloism," a personal quote, “If you do the people part right, the profits will follow."
Two truths follow this thought.
First, the employees in your company can only interact with your customers within the experience framework of how each one individually perceives you (as manager, as company) interacting with them. This is the “what goes around, comes around" frame.
The second truth is that you must begin to realize, at a conscious and personal level, that all of your relationships begin and end with you. You are at the heart of your relationships and the desires, energy, and being you bring with you to the relationship determines its strength and its quality. You are at the center of all that you experience and all that you create. Your relationships are your creations. They are only as strong as you make them, based on your words and more importantly, your actions.
Observing the Self in action
High quality relationships are more about who and how you are “being" in
the relationship and less about what you are doing. In this sense, “doing the people part right" requires each of us to learn how to
observe ourselves in action and think about what we are seeing and
doing. You must learn how to step outside of yourself in order to watch
yourself in action.
As soon as you become aware enough to begin to act as observer, you
change the outcome of any event. We know this from the study of physics.
Ah, science to the rescue! An electron is both a wave and a particle. It
is in the moment of observation that the observer labels it as one or
the other. (Wheatley, Leadership and the New Science, Chapter 4). No
form of observation is neutral. The very act of observation places the
event in a context. That context then sets the event on a path.
Creating a culture of success
Observation is not a skill that people are usually taught how to do in
school. It is, however, a critical skill for organizational success. In
order to be successful long-term, an organization must create a culture
of learning. Employees must be willing to take the risks that all new
learning requires. This level of risk- taking can only survive, let
alone thrive, in environments conducive to taking risks. And, at the
heart of these types of environments, we find strong personal
relationships and commitments between individual people.
Your perceptions of other people create the way you interact with them and the way you relate to them. In order to work collaboratively with other people you must be able to “see" yourself in action. You must be able to pull back the veil of your own biases and perceptions and clarify your own wants and desires. You must be clear on who you are being, so that you can then effectively “be" collaborative without hidden agendas that block you from achieving long-term successful outcomes.
The bottom line ...
In the end, there are 3 defining questions I suggest my clients
ask when they are faced with any situation. With a little change in
wording, these questions can be used in your personal life, as well as
your business life.
"Who am I being in this
relationship?"
Think about the emotions that show up when you interact with specific
people. This will begin to tell you who you are being during the
interaction and give you a sense of whether you like who you are being.
"What outcome do I really want to
create in this situation?"
If your desired outcome is only self-serving, you are doing little to
build and strengthen the relationship. Relationships fully develop only
when all parties learn and grow while in them.
"What must I do to create the
relationship I want to create?"
If you don’t want to do what it takes, you may need to
address whether you are in the right place for your own well-being.
The questions are always posed within the context of high moral character and ethical action. The answers don’t always come immediately, but they do come and with a clarity and focus that enables your successful action.
