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Listen to thisHolding
an arm of her sweater in each hand, Erin whipped the sweater over her
head and then let it drop. It should have gone right over her head and
been on her body, but it didn't seem to work out. There it lay on the
ground. Hmm ... so, she tried it again and again. Every once in awhile,
her dad would move forward to help. This led to foot stomping, hugging
the sweater and cries of “Do it me!"
Erin, I would guess, was about three years old. And there she was trying
to put on a pullover “you know, the kind of sweater that you have to
hike over your head? It had been a gloriously hot summer day and now the
sun was going down, it was cooling off rapidly and her dad had taken out
her sweater so she wouldn't get cold. And that's when the lesson began.
Our own action and its outcome
She would have none of his help. She would persist “repeating quite
accurately the general movements that she had done and seen others do
and that usually resulted in the sweater being “on". Of course, being
three, she was missing a couple of key points, such as the need to
actually insert your hands into the sweater arms, the need to guide it
over your head rather than dropping it, etc. But, she had the general
drift and she had what I think many of us seem to lose or forget about
as we move beyond three: the desire to “do it me!", to be capable “to
have the satisfaction of doing something under our own steam. Oh, call
it control, call it achievement, call it self-assertion, call it
independence. For me, it is all of these tangled into one, and any time
spent on disentangling the bits is just intellectual play. The important
aspect is the action and the outcome: persistence and absolute joy! Yes,
the sweater finally got “on" somehow “well, it was backwards and had an
odd twist in the middle “but there was Erin absolutely jumping with
delight, her whole body “laughing with joy" and repeating “Me do it, me
do it, daddy, me do it!"
Big words
There are now some pretty fancy words for Erin's “me-do-it". We talk of
empowerment, of the resilience to spring back in the face of frustration
and pain, etc. And I've found these words in helping me understand and
share with others, in short form, rather complicated concepts about
human needs and actions. But I, who am a big fan of resilience theory,
also worry that big conceptual words run the risk of distancing me from
the essence of the concept. That is, I might watch Erin, label this an
example of resilience, persistence appropriate to a particular
developmental level. etc. “and forget about the power of the human
spirit I am witnessing “the power inherent in human beings to move
towards growth. I would forget about the inherent humanness of us all,
so evident when we are little, and too often forgotten as we grow older.
For, the power I'm talking about was not so much evident in Erin trying
again and again but in her full delight with herself having done
something she wanted to do on her own. I worry that I forget this power
and sometimes look madly for external motivation, for points and charts
to help children and youth when I ought to be looking for ways for them
to feel useful, to accomplish, to do for themselves.
So thinking about Erin reminded me to:
notice those opportunities for myself and others to have this kind of satisfaction;
not to “do for others" just because I can do it faster, “better", etc.
I will be like Erin's dad “support, coach, share in the joy “yes, and even though I worry about the setting sun, recognize the power in each of us: this is power, not control.
