“Parents who undo our work”

Readers write in with problems and issues from practice.

There is a problem that we seem to really battle with in our group home, and perhaps others do, too, which is why I am writing to you. The particular situation concerns the mother of one of the kids whom I work with. I've been working with this thirteen-year-old girl for many months now and we have been through many ups and downs together. Although we have quite a good relationship, this girl can be very difficult and her mother is always sabotaging everything I do with her. She brings the girl back late after weekends at home, countermands many of our suggestions and rules, and always seems hostile to the staff. She seems to destroy in one weekend, all the good work we have done during the week. I hope you can help me in this regard.

Many Child and Youth Care workers describe problems like this. You feel that over a long period you have been playing your part, day by day, and have made a great contribution to this child's life. You mention that you have a good relationship with the girl in question, but it seems that this relationship does not extend to her mother, whom you see as hostile and uncooperative. However, as professional child care workers (just as with other professionals like nurses and teachers), we must move beyond our natural feelings and remind ourselves of our ultimate aims and plans for the children and families we work with.

In our work, our actions very often speak much louder than our words “and these actions are a reflection of our values and attitudes.

Our attitudes
The only way we can answer your query is to ask you to consider your attitude towards this parent, and the parents of children in care in general.

Do you see this mother as someone you can do very well without, thank you, or do you recognise that she is someone significant to the child “that she and the child, sooner or later, have to work out their relationship with each other? We have yet to come across children who do not feel strongly about their parents ... they may say awful things about them, but this is often just an expression of their own hurt, anger and helplessness at what has happened to them. They seldom mean what they say about their parents.

This then raises the question: If parents are so important to their children, and if we want to deal with the children in a holistic way to bring about growth and healing in their lives and families, how do we handle this powerful, yet so often conflicted, parent-child bond?

Parents in need
We can't avoid work with the parents, because they are part of the child's totality.

When we can see the parents with whom we work as important to their children, then we can understand that they are also hurting, neglected and often misunderstood people. They are themselves often in need of as much care as their children. Difficult? Oh yes! But then most troubled people are 'difficult', as they try to defend themselves against more hurt, rejection and failure. We need to try to 'interpret' their attempts to “sabotage" our work with their children: are they malicious or is there just an underlying message which says: “I feel left out and useless and ashamed"!

To what extent are the parents really made to feel a part of our work with the children in our care? What is the attitude of our organisation as a whole towards parents? Is there a culture of respect for parents which filters down through the whole staff team “or not? Are parents consulted about their children? Is their permission sought before plans are made for their child? Are they empowered to participate as parents to their children? Do they know what it is that you are trying to teach their children, and why you consider these things to be important?

Do you communicate with parents because they are valuable to their child's well being? Do you let them know that they are significant and valuable?

Learning new ways
You may think that it's not possible to consult all parents. In some cases this may be problematic “but we are looking beyond the obvious to a basic value system here. If we try to cut parents off from their kids, we will only produce 'bonsai kids', with stunted, dwarfed lives. We must look for ways in which to include parents in their lives and our programmes. Ways can be developed which make it possible for staff to involve parents on a more regular basis, and this should be a priority for everyone.

Here are some practical ideas which you may wish to consider:

Be part of the child's admission meeting and the admission process, so that you are in touch with the parents (with their problems and feelings) from the start.
Cast yourself as a colleague rather than a critic of the parent “this has a way of helping you both to feel 'on the same team'.
Re-assure the parents that you will not be taking their child away from them, but rather supporting them as they try to regain their position and succeed in their work as parents.
Invite them to spend time in your group/cottage, and to maintain some of their parental roles and tasks. (It is amazing how a child's self-esteem grows when they see their parents respected and appreciated!)
Invite them to a meal, or to tea, or to some social occasion such as the child's birthday party or other function.
Maintain regular contact by telephone or letter to give them news and progress reports on their child.
Involve them in their child's school functions or parents evenings.
If they are able to do so, have them accompany their child on appointments with the doctor or dentist – or getting their hair done.

These are all ways in which we can keep them functioning as parents, rather than taking away their responsibility and sense of usefulness. We can make them feel important and, above all, we should never criticize them in the child's presence or hearing! We owe it to the children to keep alive that important lifeline to their loved ones, a fact that you are obviously concerned about or you would not have expressed concern about your dealings with this parent.

As you pointed out in your letter, parents do have the power and ability to break down a lot of our progress in one visit. How can we use this power and energy in a more creative, constructive way!

Child care workers, too
In our experience, when child care workers no longer experience conflict and competition with difficult and anxious parents, they enjoy their job more. They will develop many new skills, their relationships with the kids blossom and, most importantly, the children themselves will be the better for it. You have already done so much for this youngster. To help her reconcile the significant adults in her life will be quite a bonus!

Reply by K.M. and E.N.