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Listen to thisLaura Steckley started at the University of Strathclyde on 7 July. She is teaching part time (Teaching Associate) on the MSc in Advanced Residential Child Care, and is doing research part time (Research Assistant).
How to start? Good question! As I try to start this piece – reflecting, writing on my first weeks in my new post as teaching associate and research assistant at the University of Strathclyde, it all seems to “dry up.” Reflecting? No problem. That’s what I naturally do – to my own detriment at times. Then, when it’s time to start working with those reflections, I lock up. Resistance sets in.
Funny, this parallels my experience a bit with starting this new job. I’ve been reflecting on the things I wanted further insight into, the things I wanted to learn and the things I wanted to share with my colleagues – information, concepts and processes that might contribute to their knowledge and empowerment in doing more meaningful work with young people. How could I contribute to their own sense of meaning, and ultimately maximise the benefit young people gain from their time in residential care? What a wonderful opportunity I now have. Yet, my ideas and motivation feel somehow constricted, and I feel a strange sense of resistance. Where is this resistance coming from? What’s it about?
Clearly, some of my resistance is fear. Jumping off the high dive looks so enticing until you’re standing at the edge of the board, looking down. Eeeek! It seems to me that there is so much responsibility in facilitating the learning of others, and while that is one way you could frame what I did before (management and direct care in residential child care), it’s much more explicit now.
The other part of my resistance (at least the other part I’m becoming more aware of) has something to do with losing motivation when I feel “obligated” to do something. This has apparently been studied in relation to learning, showing that people who have previously enjoyed a learning task have lost their interest when threatened with sanctions for non-participation, supervised in the performance of the task, or even offered external rewards for completing the task (Fewster, 1991). I think this is related to an externalised sense of reward or loss, and I can see how this manifests in counterproductive ways in educational or professional environments.
I must admit, however, that in my case, it is a creation of my mind. The lack of “big brother” breathing down my neck and the implicit trust in my work ethic and abilities are clearly evident, even in this early stage of my employment. Yes, there is an expectation of “producing the goods,” but these are the “goods” I want to produce.
I experienced the same phenomenon when I first started working in residential care in Scotland. I was doing temporary office work for my first five months in this country, desperately trying to get back to my professional “home” – Child and Youth Care work. I can remember being on Cloud Nine when I got a post at a residential school, and bubbling down the corridors the first few weeks on the job. This feeling faded, and it was often an effort to gear myself up before heading off to work. Fortunately for me, the intense, immediate nature of the work usually served to shift me into a more energetic, enthusiastic state of mind once I did get there (though not always). How many of us create additional weight on our own backs and rob ourselves of the joy of getting to do something we want/choose to do because of these mental barriers? I have a sense I’m not alone in this.
How will I compensate for that lack of intensity and immediacy? I’ve been questioning whether or not I'll have the discipline do what’s needed today, tomorrow, next week in order to be prepared when it comes time to face my students (or write my literature review). This is where it gets really interesting. To a certain degree, in the past I tended to be dependent on external structures and immediacy in order to “produce the goods,” to do the things I resisted. So, it is this selfsame sense of obligation that I have allowed to hamper my exuberance and energy on the one hand, and have simultaneously been reliant upon it on the other. And it’s all a creation of my mind!
Just think what it would be like to regularly experience a flow of professional energy and creativity completely unblocked by this gunk! And the exciting thing is ... I have the opportunity to do just that. I have the opportunity to come from a place of choosing and excitement about what I am undertaking. Discipline won’t be the prerequisite to getting the job done. The doing will more naturally flow.
It may be idealistic, but I am hopeful that my work will not only impact the students and the people with whom they work (adults, young people, children), but that I might also make a contribution to this field in terms of searching, enquiring, researching and writing. A “ripple in [not so] still waters."
The flip side of these aspirations is fear of failure and its associated painful disappointment. It seems to me that this is why so many young people refuse to aspire, as they do not feel strong enough to withstand it. Yet I have “family privilege” from which to draw strength – a sense of who I am and who I come from. I come from teachers and farmers. My grandmother, who lived into her 101st year, took a train from Indiana to Nevada to teach first grade. The year was 1921, and she was 21 years old. This was the wild west, where the streets were unpaved, dust storms blew through town, and the “Indians” sold piconuts from their nearby huts. It must have taken incredible bottle for a 21-year-old woman to travel across the country to a strange new place all by herself, and I imagine she was quite scared. I gain strength and inspiration from my memory and knowledge of this “salt of the earth” woman.
I also have some life experience and the perspective to know two things. One, that most folks feel a bit frightened when embarking on a new goal. And two, that I’ve been here before. This feeling is transient, and I can work through it. In fact, these are the very same bits of insight I have tried to help young people to experience in similar circumstances.
This, then, reflects the interconnectedness of self and service (in this case, Child and Youth Care work). For me, I feel the greatest sense of well being and connectedness when I am in that “zone” of working on myself so that I might be of more benefit to others, and experiencing that “serving others” powerfully enhances my development/awakening. This isn’t like a martyring, self-sacrificing frame of reference, but more so a humbling, gratifying, privileged place to be – you know, those magical moments of growth, insight, connection and healing that defy the constriction of words. I have the sense that there will be some parallels, though maybe less intense, between the use of self in Child and Youth Care work and the use of self in formal teaching/learning experiences. Here’s hoping my self is up to the task!
So, I’m diving in and hoping to learn and develop myself as much as I facilitate the learning and development of others. I am optimistic that my new professional environment is particularly conducive to this process, and am hopeful that this “self-work” will enhance my ability to be of benefit, both personally and professionally, to others.
References
Fewster, Gerry. (1991) Being in Child Care: A Journey into Self. New York: Haworth Press.
Hunter, R. (lyrics) & Garcia, J. (music), “Ripple” originally released on American Beauty, (1970) Warner Brothers Records.
Seita, J.R. (2001) Growing up without family privilege. Reclaiming Children and Youth, 10(3) Child and Youth Care Website, URL: https://www.cyc-net.org/Journals/rcy-10-3.html.
