Listen to thisJulius Segal noted the importance of what he called charismatic adults in the lives of all children. According to Segal (2001) these adults need not necessarily be parents, but rather are “individuals who in their interactions with a child convey love and acceptance and help that child feel special" (p. 88). The role of a charismatic adult in the life of a child is further defined by Segal (2001) as being “a person with whom they identify and from whom they gather strength" (p. 88). In becoming a Child and Youth Care Counsellor my goal is to be a charismatic adult in the lives of the children and youth I work with. In preparation for fulfilling this role I will be examining three values that are important to me; the values of praise, unconditional love and respect.
The Collins English Dictionary defines one’s values as “the moral principles and beliefs or accepted standards of a person or social group" (1994, p.1694). My values have an affect on every aspect of my life, from how I feel about myself to how I interact with those around me. Awareness and knowledge of values is essential given the realization that my values will impact every interaction I have , both with young people and with other professionals. As Garfat and Ricks (1998) highlighted in an article on the importance of values education in the development of professional ethics:
"... beliefs and values are used to determine what is meant by taking right action in a particular circumstance – workers must also be aware of the professional and personal rules and standards used to guide their practice. Such rules and standards, or ethics, are predicated on what we believe is true and important, in other words, our beliefs and values. Therefore, we maintain that ethical practice is contingent on understanding one’s personal and professional beliefs, values, and ethics in a particular situation". (p. 72)
Along with my commitment to being a charismatic adult in the lives of the children and youth, goes an accompanying commitment to conduct myself as an ethical professional, dedicated to the code of conduct for Child and Youth Care Counsellors. The awareness provided by an examination of my values will help to re-affirm these commitments.
Praise
"Even in the best, most friendly and simple relations of life, praise and commendation are as indispensable as the oil which greases the wheels of a machine to keep them running smoothly" (Tolstoy, 1998, p.80).
I was fortunate to be raised in an environment where I was often praised. Although I was teased mercilessly by my peers for being what they considered to be an over-achiever, I was praised by my parents and teachers for my efforts and recognized often for my achievements. This had a lasting impact on me in terms of self-esteem and a more positive and proactive approach to my endeavors. I take pride in working hard and trying my best. I am more inclined to take risks and I always strive for excellence. When my efforts are rewarded with praise I feel like the effort was worthwhile and, as a result, I feel more worthy as a person.
Praise is simple, and it is an easy thing to do. Yet, in our fast-paced, often impersonal society it seldom happens. As part of our daily lives we come in contact with many people. Whether it is the bank teller, the store clerk or even the members of our own family, our expectations are high and we are much quicker to criticize than to praise. I find it curious to think about the times when I have been witness to an angry confrontation between an individual and a waitress, for example, about poor service. I can’t help but wonder what we think is gained by being so critical of others and approaching such a situation with anger and aggression. And why, for a job well done, it seems so foreign to acknowledge the individual with kindness and praise. Cerf (1998) hit the nail on the head when he wrote, “A pat on the back, though only a few vertebrae removed from a kick in the pants, is miles ahead in results" (p. 79).
Praise of an achievement or effort makes the moment more meaningful and more memorable. When one can savour acknowledgement received, it promotes self-pride and self-worth. Praise acknowledges the achievement and the individual. It encourages self-confidence. Attention is focused on our strengths, and our weaknesses are minimized. Praise motivates learning and increases the desire to try new things. The future for the child who has been praised includes having the courage to try and to take risks. The child will be willing to exert his best effort because he feels confident that his efforts will not go unnoticed. Praise empowers each of us to believe in ourselves and in our potential as human beings. Whether it is acknowledgement of achievement (e.g., “Hooray for you – you did it!") or acknowledgement of effort (e.g., “You sure tried hard – I am very proud of you!") praise gets to the heart of what we all need, which is to feel loved, appreciated and important.
In sixteen years as a piano teacher, I have seen the positive effects of praise in action. I have seen a student’s face glow after having told him how beautifully he played a piece. I have seen a child light up when presented with a “Certificate of Achievement" or a “Star Student" medal at the end of the year. Praise doesn’t have to be saved for moments of achievement. Praise can simply convey that the child is special, unique and is appreciated. I keep a supply of praise pencils on hand that say everything from “Excellent Work" to “You Brighten My Day" for just this purpose.
I also make it a priority to praise my own children and not just for the big things. Certainly good marks in school, helping out at home and being kind to their siblings merit praise, but I also try to recognize the little things that my children do and to acknowledge good intentions, even when the intent does not produce the desired result. Effort deserves as much praise as achievement.
Over time I have come to realize that being praised as a child has had a lifelong impact on how I feel about myself. Most of the importance I place on praise, however, has been as a result of seeing it in action with my piano students and my own children.
Unconditional Love
LOVE
Is very patient
Is kind
Is never jealous
Is never envious
Is never boastful
Is never haughty
Is never selfish
Is never rude
Does not demand its own way
Is not irritable or touchy
Does not hold grudges
Will hardly even notice when others do it wrong
Is never glad about injustice
Rejoices when truth wins out
Is loyal no matter what the cost
Will always believe
Will always expect the best
Will always defend
Goes on forever – (St. Paul, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, p. 328).
In this quote from 1 Corinthians, the apostle Paul outlines what love should and should not be. There is no mention of love going on forever “as long as you do things my way.” Love is not and should not be conditional. Unconditional love is one of my most fervently held values. It is also the value that I have the most difficulty acting upon with complete consistency.
When I was a child my father and I were always very close and very much alike. I was never close to my mother when I was growing up. We frequently seemed to lock horns, and we disagreed about most issues. In my view, my mother is very negative and pessimistic in her approach to life and that has always been difficult for me to accept. Looking back I can see that my mother’s love was always given conditionally.
My father died suddenly of a heart attack when I was fifteen years old, leaving behind my mother, my younger brother and me. After my father’s death there was a great expectation for me to conform, succeed and excel. There was no room in the plan to deviate from these expectations. Further, it was made abundantly clear that not toeing the line would result in sanctions and consequences. I am sure that as an adolescent and young adult I disappointed my mother greatly. Soon after my father’s death I went from being a straight “A” student-bookworm to being a stereotypical teenager consumed by friends and parties. I had little direction and few plans for the future.
Life settled down in my early twenties after meeting my future husband. We were married when I was twenty-two, and had our first child when I was twenty-four. My mother was in heaven. Her wild, rebellious daughter had settled down with a nice man, and now she had her first grandchild. But as time went on my mother came to realize that everything in my life was not completely idyllic, and her “Norman Rockwell" family picture was once again threatened.
My husband was laid off after fifteen years with the same company, and was still unemployed five years later. I worked full-time while my husband stayed home with the children. During the time he was out of work we had two more children who, although they were a gift and a blessing, were also an added source of financial strain. But we managed and coped. Our attitude however, made no sense to my mother. How dare we continue to have children when their father was still unemployed? I'll never forget her horrified reaction when I told her I was expecting my youngest son. She was outraged and said straight out that she could not and would not be supportive of me having a baby in such a tenuous financial situation. This event was really a turning point for me in realizing that my mother’s idea of love existed only when I was doing things her way. She would use any method at her disposal to change me; usually starting with guilt and ending with abject threats. She called this “tough love," which it was. It is tough to think that your own mother will only love you, help you or support you when you are living your life on her terms instead of your own. It has been coming to grips with these experiences that has led me to so strongly hold my value of unconditional love.
The power of unconditional love is experienced when we embrace the people in our lives with a spirit of acceptance for who they are. There is freedom in being accepting and in relinquishing the tendency to control. There is also freedom in relating to others with an attitude that is free from judgment and negative bias. Unconditionally loving and accepting those around you, both in personal and professional relationships, is however very difficult to do with complete consistency.
Having come from a family where unconditional love was not always present, I had to do a lot of soul searching to realize that this is not how I want to relate to my children. Showing unconditional love to them has become a major priority in my parenting approach. I am hugely gratified in that, so far, I see my children becoming caring, loving individuals who are concerned with the well being of others, and are accepting and non-judgmental. I want them to be unconditional with others, but I also want them to know they are loved unconditionally by me. In this way it is my hope that they will experience the power of unconditional love that I never felt with my family.
This is an ever-present challenge. As human beings we are quick to judge and to find fault or assign blame. We are taught early in life that there are consequences when we do something “wrong.” Unconditional love does not mean inappropriate behaviour or harmful actions are excused. It is a commitment to communicate to others, through attitudes and actions, that they are loved at all times and in all circumstances. In the event of misbehaviour the message must be conveyed that while the behaviour may have been inappropriate it does not change the love.
As Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians “love goes on forever." And so it should. Integrating unconditional love, in combination with the power of respect, has provided me with value-based goals, which help define both the personal and professional relationships in my life.
Respect
"Men are respectable only as they respect" – (Emerson, n.d.)
The Canadian Oxford Compact Dictionary defines respect as the “deferential esteem felt or shown towards a person, thing, or quality" (2002, p. 878). It is also defined as a verb with advice to the reader: “avoid interfering with, harming, degrading, insulting, injuring or interrupting; treat with consideration" (2002, p. 878). It is this admonition that is the critical facet of respect. I think that while it is all well and good to hold the value of respect for self and others, respect is a value that demands action.
Respect can be examined in three settings: respect for myself, respect for others in my personal life, and respect for others in my professional life. The basic underlying principle is the same for all three settings; acceptance of the right of each individual, myself included, to dignity and esteem.
Self-respect is a struggle for me. It isn’t that I feel I am unworthy, but rather that it is more my nature to put others ahead of myself and there are times when putting others first comes at my expense. I know this about myself and have realized that I often find it difficult to treat myself with the same consideration that I extend to others. I am a perfectionist in most aspects of my life and at times find it difficult to give myself a break. I have learned that a large part of self-respect is the ability to know yourself well enough to establish realistic boundaries for what you will and will not accept in your life. This realization has made me reflect on how I treat myself, how I treat others and also on how others treat me. I know that when I am treated with respect, I feel like more of a person. Being treated with respect increases my self-respect because it boosts my self-esteem and confidence.
The right to dignity, esteem, unconditional love and regard, tolerance, patience, non-judgment, acceptance and the assumption of best intent in others are all part of my concept of respect. The Biblical adage of “Do for others what you want them to do for you" (Matthew,7:12, p.9) is a good rule of thumb. This is not to say that it is easy. It is often difficult to remember, and consistently act upon, the value of respect. There are many individuals and many circumstances that test my willingness to show respect. At these times I remind myself of the conviction with which I hold the value of respect and I must be willing to challenge myself to act in accordance with my value.
I grew up in an environment where respect was modeled for me and shown to me. My parents treated each other with respect and expected me to be respectful of them which included adopting a deferential and, at times, subservient role as a child. Nonetheless, I was taught to show respect for others by using proper manners and by being polite to have respect for my belongings and for the property of others and to respect my emotional and physical self. I was reminded to develop boundaries, and to have expectations of others in their treatment of me.
After my father passed away, there was a philosophical shift at home. It was no longer acceptable to do, say, or feel things that were different from my mother’s view. My mother’s respect for me, and respectful treatment of me, was contingent on conducting myself in what she considered to be an appropriate manner. This attitude of conditionality has affected me deeply. I now place a very high priority on respecting a point of view, whether I agree, or even understand it, or not.
Praise, unconditional love and respect are three of my most deeply held values. They are integrated into every aspect of my life and have become an important part of how I relate to others.
Impact on my work with children and youth
The identification of values is an important exercise in preparing to
become a professional in the Child and Youth Care field.
"Knowledge of self is the basis for effective Child and Youth Care practice. Becoming aware of how our beliefs, values, and ethics impact on us personally, we can also become aware of how they impact on our presentation to our clients" (Elsdon, 1998, p.57). All children need and deserve to be praised. As a Child and Youth Care Counsellor I will use praise as an empowering tool to foster self-esteem in my clients. Brooks and Goldstein (2002) use the analogy of the child as a beautiful statue that can be created either by starting with a piece of marble and chipping away at it, or by using a lump of clay which requires building up.
"Chipping at our children, even with a loving tone, is likely to pose more risks than benefits. It is difficult for our children to feel loved when they perceive that we have chisels in our hands ready to attack their dignity and self-esteem at a moment’s notice" (Brooks & Goldstein, 2001, p.106).
Not praising children results in a vicious negative cycle. “Children who feel poorly about themselves experience a diminished sense of hope" (Brooks & Goldstein, 2001, p.12). With everything else that children in care have to deal with, it seems to me that the last thing we, as professionals, want is to add to their feelings of hopelessness. I intend to act on my value of praise in the hope that the children and youth I work with will develop the self-confidence and motivation to believe in themselves and achieve their goals and dreams.
Unconditional love will also impact my interactions with every child I encounter. So many of the pioneers in the field of Child and Youth Care have had as the core of their philosophies the concept of love and have highlighted the importance of love in working with troubled and abused children and youth (see, for example, Brendtro, 1988). The impact of showing and modeling love to our clients should not be underestimated. “What’s done to children, they will do to society" (Menninger, 1998, p.60). Why then does it surprise us as a society when our unloved, and under-valued children do hurtful and destructive things, both to themselves and to others?
With children and youth, I will do my best to demonstrate that they are deserving of unconditional love. It is my hope each child will realize and accept that my attempts on their behalf and my work with them are grounded in unconditional love, acceptance, and regard for them.
Respect for the children and youth will be assumed from the first meeting. “We worry about what a child will be tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today" (Tauscher, 1998, p.57). Every child is deserving of respect, today and tomorrow. However, I am not so naive as to assume that respect will be an easy value to act upon with complete consistency. In many ways, I have no idea what to expect from working in the field of Child and Youth Care, but as a mature adult, I imagine there will be many young people who will test my ideal of showing respect to the limit. I will undoubtedly struggle in working with them, but will nevertheless endeavor to model respect. I believe that in doing so I will convey my belief in the potential for all individuals to realize their dreams and to lead productive and fulfilling lives.
I feel confident that my values of praise, unconditional love and respect will assist me in my work with children and youth. Understanding my values, and ultimately having a better understanding of myself, are critical components in preparing for a career in Child and Youth Care. “Understanding of self leads to understanding of others, and surely this is the ultimate goal in working with people." (Elsdon, 1998, p.64).
It is my goal to become a charismatic adult in the lives of the children and youth. My professional aspiration is to make a real difference and affect positive changes in the lives of my clients. As Brooks (2002) stated, “If we are to serve in the role of “charismatic adult,” then we must believe in our ability to influence children in a positive way".
References
Bisset, A. (Ed) (2002) . The Canadian Oxford Compact Dictionary. Toronto, ON: Oxford University Press.
Brendtro, L. (1998). Powerful pioneers in residential group care: A look at our roots and heritage. In Small, R.,& Alwon, F.(Eds.). Challenging the limits of care. (pp. 13-24). Needham, MA: The Alberta E. Treischman Center.
Brooks, R. (n.d.). Retrieved November 3, 2002, from http://www.ldonline.org/ld_indepth/self_esteem/perc_brooks.html
Brooks, R., & Goldstein, S. (2001) Raising resilient children. New York, NY: Contemporary Books.
Cerf, B. (1998). In Quotable Quotes (p. 79). Westmount, QC: The Reader’s Digest Association (Canada) Ltd.
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Elsdon, I. (1998). Educating toward awareness: Self-awareness in ethical decision making for Child and Youth Care workers. Journal of Child and Youth Care, 12(3), 55-67.
Emerson, Ralph Waldo. “The Sovereignty of Ethics" . Reprinted from the North American Review, of May, 1878. Vol. X. 12.
Emerson, Ralph Waldo. Lectures and Biographical Sketches. pp. 175-206. Available at www.emersoncentral.com
Garfat, T., & Ricks, F. (1998). Ethics education in Child and Youth Care: A Canadian survey. Journal of Child and Youth Care, 11 (4), 69-76.
Matthew. Good News Bible: Today’s English Version. (1976). Toronto, ON: Canadian Bible Society.
Menninger, K. (1998). In Quotable Quotes (p. 60). Westmount, QC: The Reader’s Digest Association (Canada) Ltd.
Segal, J. (2001). Loving our children in ways that help them feel special. In Brooks, R., & Goldstein, S. Raising resilient children. (p. 85-107). New York, NY: Contemporary Books.
St. Paul. (1999). 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8. In Gray, A., Stephens, S., & VanDiest, J. (Eds.). Lists to live by. (p. 328). Sisters, OR: Multnomah.
Tauscher, S. (1998). In Quotable Quotes (p. 57). Westmount, QC: The Reader’s Digest Association (Canada) Ltd.
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