Listen to thisI spent the next 21 years of my life involved with Social Services. I had between 50 and 60 moves, most of them happening when I was quite young. I stayed in various places including foster care, children's homes and all the relatives who would have me. At 16 years old, I was placed in a semi-independent unit run by Social Services. It wasn’t so bad.
Throughout my life, I remember feeling that nothing I said or did counted for anything. I had never been allowed to take part in decisions which would affect my life for ever. Now I can see that social workers, parents and relatives thought that everything would be fine because I was “still so little”. It’s quite annoying that the professionals had this opinion. The fact that you weren’t important enough to be asked left a scar in my self-confidence that hasn’t gone away.
The semi-independent unit was the last place in which I was accommodated by the local authority. It was here that I fell pregnant with my oldest daughter, Jessica. It was a traumatic experience for me. The relationship with my boyfriend was a bad one and I didn’t know what to do. The staff at the unit were really supportive and talked through the options, but told me that the decision was mine. It might sound mad, but I think I had been craving to make a decision all of my own. I knew it was one of the most important decisions I would ever make. I struggled for weeks and finally decided to give the baby up for adoption.
I made an appointment with Fostering & Adoption, to talk about what would happen. Half an hour before that meeting, I suddenly decided that I couldn’t give the baby away. The pregnancy went on and so did the problems with my ex-boyfriend. My key-worker helped me to move into my own place just 2 months before the baby was due. In October 1991, I had a beautiful baby girl. Everyone told me that I would “bond” with the baby as soon as I looked at it, but I didn't, It was very difficult. Needless to say, I now love her very much. She’s inspired me to do the things that I have since achieved.
I married an old friend who I had gone to school with. Looking back, I admit it was fear that drove me into marrying him. My life had given me such intense feelings of insecurity and I was afraid I would never find anyone for me and my daughter. That marriage taught me a number of things – most importantly that everyone is worth an enormous amount and should learn to realise it. Marriage is great while it works, but it’s an absolute nightmare if it doesn't.
Life shouldn’t be rushed. There is so much that young people can see, do and achieve if they want to and if they believe in themselves. When my marriage broke down, I was determined to make up for what I had put my daughter through. I wanted to give her a better life than I had had. I decided to return to school as a mature student and get something out of education. I did some Access courses at university. It was then that I met my husband. He was very supportive and encouraging. He helped me to sort out what was holding me back, and to decide to go to work to provide a better life for Jessica.
In the spring of 1995,1 saw an advert for a Young People’s Support Worker. It was for someone under 25 who had experienced the care system. I knew that this would be an ideal way to put to good use some of the awful things which I had gone through. I wrote out my application form and sent it in. I was shocked when I got a letter saying that I had an interview.
The job was for Who Cares? North East, which is a project for young people who are in care or have been in care. I went to my interview not knowing what to expect. It was to take all day and there were 5 candidates. To my pleasant surprise, the interviews were being done by two workers and three young people who were users of the project. This actually made me even more nervous!
We had a group exercise on participating in decision-making, which was run by the young people and observed by a worker. We then had a written exercise and the individual interviews. Everyone got together to discuss who they felt was the best person for the job ... and here I am!
I really like the work. I provide support, advice and advocacy for young people with care experience. We've also been organising a conference for young people locally to have their voices heard and to link into a large celebration of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child. The project really does centre around the young people who use it. You can tell that my relationship with them is different from that of my colleagues who haven’t been in care “but whether that’s just because I’ve been in care, I don’t know.
It has been good working here and it’s rewarding when something goes right. One of the difficult things is that, because of my background, I sometimes get too close to the problem and that makes it hard for me to work effectively. I have learnt to recognise when that happens. It’s also hard working in the city in which I was in care. Some of the staff who looked after me are still here. When I started going into residential units, they wanted me to leave the room when they were about to discuss something. Overall, though, I think that I’m sliding into the seat more easily now.
I know that my experience of care taught me many things. Sadly, it mainly taught me how not to do things. It had nothing to do with the residential staff themselves, more with the set-up of the service. Even in this short time, it has improved slightly. I do believe that people can survive the system. You don’t have to “go under”. Believe in yourself and work hard for what you believe.
