Listen to thisWe, eight youth workers and I, are all sitting in a circle in one of the cottages at the residential center in the U.S. I just finished doing a workshop. It feels good here and I like the workers. It’s a cozy place with the youths' watercolors on the walls and comfortable chairs and a couch. A couple workers are sitting on the floor. It’s middle fall, the colors outside the window are brilliant.
“So, what are you saying “that it’s our problem?” a young woman who doesn’t look much older than most of the kids asks, rather perturbed.
"No, not at all.”
“What do you mean then?”
“Well, often when structure, control, and consistency become a big part of the discussion then often it’s because it’s an issue we are struggling with ourselves “which is quite normal, especially when we are just starting out.”
"I still don’t get it.”
"Me either,” the supervisor, a young man says. “We have to have some structure and consistency otherwise the place will turn to chaos. These kids don’t have much internal control.”
"Absolutely. I agree.”
“So?” the girl says. “Now you agree. I still don’t get it.”
"It depends I guess on what you mean by structure and consistency. A fair amount of which I believe comes from us. If we’re internally and externally consistent, and aware of our own limits and need for structure and control, then it becomes less of an issue, I think, for the kids. It’s a balancing act I think. If we want structure and consistency we need a fair amount of planning, routines, rules, etc., and people have to have been consistent in implementing these, but sometimes we can go overboard – and when that happens it might be that we are feeling powerless or a little out of control, or inconsistent, or frightened, or insecure and the structure and consistency are needed as much for us (or maybe more) as for the kids.”
“So, is that bad?”
"It’s not about bad or good. It’s about recognizing what is, and dealing with it.”
“What do we do in the meantime?”
"I think we work on it until we feel confident that we can use our power in a way with youth that they will feel empowered to follow rules and routines. The ability to say “no” for example with conviction and without threats or consequences, or in a way that they understand that we are in charge and comfortable with our authority. And the best way I know to do it is to talk about it and help each other. I know it took me a long time and lots of help and reflection to get to that point in my own work. I remember early in my own career I was frequently giving consequences and/or restraining youth and by my eighth or ninth year I did this very infrequently.”
“What changed?”
“Well, I learned many preventive and intervention techniques, but I think more importantly I became more self aware and self confident so when I said “no”, they knew I meant it. I remember one of the most effective youth workers I worked with in this regard was a woman about five- feet one-inch tall. Everyone wanted to work with her because she had such a command of herself, and subsequently the kids listened to her. She didn’t have to threaten or bribe them, or have lots of rules, because they knew if they listened to her they would be engaged in something much more productive.”
"How do I become like that?” a smallish young woman asks.
“By becoming as self aware and gaining as much experience as you can, and by wanting to, as you are now – "
