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Relational Trauma: Beyond Adverse Caregiver Experiences

Recognizing relational trauma from siblings, schools, and communities

Annie Wright

Childhood trauma is a concept that has traditionally been understood in the context of the abuse and neglect perpetrated by primary caregivers.

However, this narrow definition, in my personal and professional opinion, often fails to capture the full spectrum of traumatic experiences that can profoundly impact an individual’s mental health and well-being.

As a therapist specializing in childhood trauma recovery, I’ve encountered many individuals whose traumatic experiences were not recognized because their abusers were siblings or members of their community, and their caregivers did nothing to intervene.

These folks wouldn’t see themselves and their experiences in “traditional definitions” of childhood trauma. To address this gap, and because my own understanding of trauma has deepened over time, I’ve developed what I hope is a more inclusive definition of relational trauma:

Relational trauma is the kind of trauma that results over the course of time in the context of a power-imbalanced and dysfunctional relationship (usually between a child and caregiver but also between a child/adolescent and systems/communities) that results in a host of complex and lingering biopsychosocial impacts for the individual who subjectively endured the trauma and was overwhelmed by the experience.

We need to expand the scope of relational trauma experiences

I’ve said this dozens of times, but in my clinical experience and in my lived experience, I’ve found that many individuals struggle to see themselves in the classic definitions of childhood trauma.

Often, this is because the abusers were not their parents but rather siblings, teachers, or community leaders, and their parents failed to protect them.

This broader understanding of relational trauma is crucial for validating the experiences, the relational trauma experiences, of those who endured abuse in less-recognized contexts.

What are some of these less-recognized contexts?

Relational trauma experiences beyond caregivers

Examples of non-caregiver relational trauma might include:

1. Boarding school teacher trauma. Consider the case of boarding school teachers who physically and emotionally abuse a student. They may use excessive discipline, humiliation, and isolation as control tactics. In these scenarios, parents often dismiss their child’s complaints, insisting that their child endure the abuse for the sake of a prestigious education. This lack of parental intervention exacerbates the relational trauma experience, leaving the child feeling isolated and unsupported. Now, before you come at me and tell me that this is far-fetched, you don’t need to look much further than examples in the books of Roald Dahl, CS Lewis, and JK Rowling for pop culture examples of this, reflecting a pattern that is likely alive and well today.
2. Sibling abuse. Sibling abuse is another often overlooked form of relational trauma. An older sibling might incite fear in their younger siblings by frequently threatening harm, humiliation, or abandonment, using intimidation to control and manipulate. Parents may see the older sibling as simply being strict or protective, failing to recognize the severe emotional and psychological harm being inflicted on the younger child. If you’re a Stranger Things fan like I am, you know that the chilling relationship between Billy Hargrove and his stepsister Max Mayfield includes emotional and physical abuse. It's an example I share when I need to illustrate sibling abuse, or another relational trauma experience.
3. Church trauma. In some cases, religious and spiritual institutions can be sources of significant trauma. A church that shames and ostracizes a child for questioning its beliefs can inflict deep psychological wounds. If parents support the church’s actions and refuse to protect their child, citing religious justifications, the child’s trauma is compounded by a profound sense of betrayal and abandonment. For many, many examples of this, look no further than the library of documentaries Netflix has that illustrates church trauma: The Keepers, Wild Wild Country, Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath, The Family, Explained: Cults, Murder Among the Mormons, and Holy Hell. And, personally, I always lean on Handmaid’s Tale, as another example of trauma that can spring from cult-like religions.
4. School-based bullying trauma. Imagine a scenario in which a child is repeatedly, persistently, and painfully bullied by peers at school. The bullying might include physical assaults, verbal harassment, and social exclusion. Despite the child’s repeated reports to teachers and school administrators, the school fails to take effective action to stop the bullying. Instead, the administration downplays the incidents to the child and to the parents, labeling them as typical childhood conflicts. The child’s parents, trusting the school’s authority and wanting to avoid conflict, tell their child to toughen up and ignore the bullies. This lack of intervention and support from both the school and parents leads to the child feeling isolated, helpless, and unsafe. A grim and extreme pop culture portrayal of the damage of school-based bullying can be seen in the chilling book Carrie by everyone’s favorite Mainer, Stephen King.

Sibling and community trauma: parental complicity and clinical implications

In each of these examples, I’d be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that parents/guardians play a crucial role, as even if they are not the direct perpetrators of abuse, their failure to intervene renders them complicit. This complicity raises significant clinical questions. If parents are unaware of the abuse, it suggests a lack of attentiveness and emotional attunement, which are essential for healthy child development. On the other hand, if they are aware but choose not to act, it reflects a deeply disturbing neglect of their protective role, contributing to the child’s trauma (of course).

I’ll be writing much more in the future about parental/guardian complicity but for now, and for the sake of this post, recognizing that trauma can be inflicted by siblings, teachers, and community leaders—and that parental complicity plays a significant and damaging role—allows for a more comprehensive approach to treatment and validation of these experiences.

Hopefully, by sharing this information about what other sources of relational trauma might be, you may have seen yourself and your experience more clearly.

From: Psychology Today - https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/making-the-whole-beautiful/202406/relational-trauma-beyond-adverse-caregiver-experiences