Listen to thisSome comments on relationships and their infinite variety
Consistent warm, caring, stable and long term relationships for children and youth in care are the fundamental feature of the child and youth work field. Yet, ‘relationship’ is not a unitary construct. There are many variations in contexts for relationships, ways in which they form, and in their potential to offer pleasant surprises. So, taking advantage, perhaps, of my years of life experience, and using an anecdotal approach to provide illustration, I will discuss some of this variety in this informal, undocumented essay.
Activity is as significant in developing relationship as is a relationship itself!
I’ve offered this idea before: “We are what we’ve done and become what we do”. It’s like the chicken and egg problem – which comes first, a relationship that then leads to a shared activity or an activity that initiates the relationship and guides how it evolves.
Here’s one of dozens of examples from this little trip of mine down Memory Lane. Back to my “direct line” days when I was a milieu coordinator and right in the trenches daily, as the saying goes, with a number of large, aggressive adolescent boys.
I also was able to have individual activity sessions with this group. One boy had chosen me as his target for provocative, acting out behavior. Around him I was nervous for good reason, since he was tall, muscular, explosive and impulsive. Interestingly, however, I heard ‘via the grapevine’ that he wanted – of all things – to make something electrical. Not my expertise, but I managed to find a little kit with which, by following some not-too-impossible instructions, one could build an little electric motor that would cause a small slab to rotate around an axle.
We spent some time together each week in my activity room poring over the instructions putting this together. While he still gave me constant grief when I was out on the floor, his behavior while we worked on the motor was absolutely impeccable.
There was something in this mutually shared activity that altered our relationship – towards the better.
When working in my crafts and carpentry shop for the youth in an old ‘state hospital’, many years ago, the youngsters would easily become frustrated, and often as not fling their project across the room and insist, “I ain’t gonna do this anymore!” There was no discussion of what their anger might have ‘meant’. Rather, the rule was “Finish the project properly before you get another one”. So eventually they’d come around and finish (there wasn’t much else for them to do besides come to my shop).
We traditionally think of relationships as a movement towards closeness and mutual understanding. Sometimes, and perhaps especially, with challenging children, a relationship can be formed if the adult maintains some distance. Here is where having an activity at hand can be a major asset for the worker.
What does ‘maintaining some distance’ mean? Perhaps it means not letting the youth know that ‘you understand how he feels’. Rather, the focus is on dealing with the here and now and the surface reality of the situation. Why? This is less intrusive and threatening. I wonder if that factor is why so many child and youth workers mention how kids ‘open up’ when they’re doing something. It always helped me to have an activity at hand so we’d have something to talk about – especially when the kids were non-verbal!
So, paradoxically, using an activity focus to keep a relationship on more neutral ground so that it doesn’t get too close too soon – can actually enhance the relationship.
I emphasize here the essential connection between relationship and activity because while it is so obvious, it still seems as if the ‘activity’ dimension of child and youth work is not considered nearly as important as the ‘relationship’ dimension. If we can enter and develop a relationship through an activity, we get double the power from the relationship – the benefits of the activity and the relationship itself. An activity can also help to bypass the barriers to relationship formation that youth often offer us.
If they want attention – give it to them!
I always bridle at that stereotyped response to supposedly ‘attention seeking’ antics. “Oh, he just wants attention. So I won’t give it to him!” Rather, I’d say, acknowledge the wish and need and set about meeting it at once! In my love of playing basketball, I would often find that there were adults who would be happy to move me off a court on which I had been practicing. However, I rarely experienced youngsters who wouldn’t interact with me – even if to challenge me – if I showed interest in what they were doing.
They warmed to the attention. It didn’t matter who was giving it. Once I was on a fence-bounded court by myself. I looked up from my eternal dribbling to notice a number of small faces pressed against the fence. “Do you want to play?“ I called.
They wanted some attention and they wanted to play. Suddenly there were enough kids on the court for a real game – and a nice memory for me.
Relationship and activity are the core of treatment and the substance of positive development and must never be ‘earned’ rewards.
Whatever aspects of relationships we recognize, one thing remains compelling. Relationships (and activities) are the sun, moon and stars to all human beings. Thus we must never, never, ever, have children and youth “earn” a relationship by amassing “points” and/or being on a certain “level”. Nothing insults and demeans our field more than practices such as this and if we see them we should fight them. Children and youth need our relationships as much as they need air, and perhaps the more difficult the youth are, the more ‘unacceptable’ their behavior, the more they actually need us. I once saw a “point and level” manual that listed how many points a youth would need in order to “spend time alone with an adult”. To me this was appalling and against every principle of good practice.
The worst kid is the best in some way
To illustrate this, I must tell a sad but true story. I was a consultant to a comprehensive residential and day treatment agency. My more formal business temporarily over, I took the opportunity to migrate out to the basketball court. Several youth were playing under one hoop and ignoring my plaintive “I want to play” glances. Finally, one who was playing by himself around one of the baskets, called, “Hey, lady, ya wanna play?”. I was out on the court like a shot. The young man graciously proceeded to give a basketball lesson to his eager pupil. He showed me how go under the basket and make a reverse lay-up – among other things – and applauded me when I practiced a new move successfully. I thanked him when the dinner call came, and we went about our business. When I returned a few weeks later I asked after him. “Oh, he’s not here anymore. We had to send him to a closed setting; we couldn’t maintain him here,” was the response.
I’d always remember this. It makes me hope that in anybody’s relationship with difficult youth, he or she will try to use it to find that special area of talent, skill, or sensitivity that the youth has.
The most memorable relationship can be formed under non-favorable circumstances
This gives me the opportunity to tell you about a young man named Tom Jones (and that really was his name). I had signed up with a dive shop to dive off the Florida West coast. The divers were to meet there to pick up equipment and be assigned buddies. I didn’t come with a buddy. They’re few and far between for the “mature woman” (read white-haired and over 60) on a dive boat. A young man, also without a buddy arrived after everybody else, except me, had paired up. He had just received his certification and had no more than a half dozen additional dives under his weight belt so to speak. “Uh, oh” I thought.” We’re going to be buddies by default”. The tall, slender red-head was 16 years old and his non-optional buddy had fifty years on him. “I can see it,” I thought. “Either I’m going to have to tote him along the bottom, or he’s going to be out of sight the minute we hit the sand wanting to ditch me just as soon as he can”. Before the buddy pairs dove in, the divemaster suggested that any diver over 40 should take an extra-long safety stop on the way up (this is when the divers suspend themselves 15 feet from the surface to ‘off gas’ nitrogen accumulated in their system during the dive). “That means me. I just turned 40,” I joked. Tom went in the water first where our task was to move forward to the anchor line. It turned out the current was fierce. He had no trouble pulling himself along the drop line that was connected to the anchor line from which we’d descend. It took all I had. As I approached the anchor line connecting rope at the bow, there was Tom holding it out to me, to make it easier to grab on. At the end of the dive, Tom preceded me up the anchor line and took his three-minute stop. I would have to take five. I expected him to go on to the boat, leaving me to complete my dive by myself. Wrong.
When I was ready to surface, I turned around and there he was behind me as he had been all the time, suspended, watching, and waiting to accompany me to the top.
The contrast to Tom came on another dive the next day when I was paired up with a young woman who claimed to be an experienced diver. As we swam towards the anchor line towards the end of the dive, she disappeared. What happened? Without a signal, she just swam up and over me, made her own three-minute safety stop, and went back to the boat. I looked for her as long as I could on the bottom, and then went up by myself, taking my required five-minute stop, to find her complacently sitting on the boat. Go figure. I’ll always remember Tom Jones – in the very best way.
Be yourself in a relationship – and offer a surprise now and then
Here’s another of my many basketball stories – and it’s true! In my weekly pick-up games, there was a young man about 14 years old who would join in. I don’t blame him for targeting somebody who probably reminded him of his grand-mother, to hassle. That he did. I would be dribbling the ball up the floor and he’d go out of his way to steal it – and succeed all too frequently. Then I went to a basketball camp and came away with one wonderful new move. A cross dribble, followed by what I think is called an “inside” dribble, that enables the player to evade a tenacious defender.
Soon my chance came. The young man approached, I enacted my fast move, and swooshed by him. He was flabbergasted and looked at me with new respect. No, this may not have been an approach “the books” would recommend, with the adult trying to outwit the youth. But this was a time I had to be myself.
Redl and Wineman called it “Tension decontamination through humor”, so I certainly didn’t think this one up myself. Yet, in these days of emphasis on control and “point systems”, I don’t think it hurts to remind ourselves how powerful humor can be in our relationships.
A participant in my “Dealing with Difficult Behavior’ workshop said, “Every time I come on duty, Johnny comes up and sticks his tongue out at me. What should I do?” “Oh,” I said, “You have all kinds of options, but especially to understand the meaning of the behavior and to use a sense of humor. The group was astonished. “But that’s not respectful. We have to punish him”.
I continued: “You can say, ‘My, what a fine tongue you have! Thank you for showing it to me’. Or, you can put out your own tongue while saying, ‘Now I’ve seen your tongue. Would you like to see mine?’ and ‘Can you do this trick?’ (wrinkle or fold your tongue). Or, you can simply say, (ignoring the protruding tongue), ‘Hi, Johnny. Good to see you’re letting me know you’re here. Let’s go get a snack and you can tell me how your day went.’ By the way,” I went on, “it looks as if Johnny wants a relationship with you.
Singling you out for a tongue display is just the only way he knows how to ask for it.”
Gradually they began to smile as we discussed – and demonstrated – the different ‘tongue tricks’ we could do and recognized that there is more intent to some behaviors than simply to annoy us.
Even a manipulative ploy is a relationship opportunity
Sometimes people will initiate a relationship with you because they want something, and I say, ”What’s wrong with that? Don’t we all do that sometimes? So, take it for what it is and enjoy it”. Here’s an example:
I was entering a building for a meeting and stopped, putting my things down, to take out my make-up and ‘put on a face’ as I call it before I met my public. “Stop right there!” boomed a voice from a group of chairs in the lobby. “Don’t you dare put on that make-up! You look beautiful just the way you are!” Oh, right, I grumbled to myself, knowing better. But before I could start the repair job the man got up, approached me and started a conversation. Soon he whipped out a tattered wallet to show me photographs of his family and told me about each person, including his elderly father. “I’d love to go visit him,” he said, “but I don’t have the bus fare”. Then I ‘got it’. But you know what? That didn’t matter. I gave him a large bill, much more than the fare. As I left, he reminded me to leave off the makeup.
I smiled for the rest of the day.
That reminds me of the times when I’ve heard of young people referred to as ‘manipulative’ – e.g., “Watch her – she’s a real little manipulator”. Maybe so, but in context of her environment this quality is probably a survival strength.
I remember all the ‘manipulators’ from my days of front line work. They were the ones who got discharged.
There are positive relationships with things
We all still nod our head in the direction of something Freudian, don’t we?
Sophie Freud (a relative of Sigmund) pointed out in an excellent book called My Three Mothers and Other Passions that certain possessions become continually more meaningful and provide comfort and a sense of connection with the past. Transitional objects, the hallmark of toddlerhood, have meaning across the ages and stages of life … The college students’ stuffed animals … the older adults’ photo albums and old pressed prom flowers … We seem to have an important relationship with these special objects lifelong. This does have an implication for child and youth work. It simply heightens the fact that we need to respect the personal property of youth by protecting it and permitting them as much as possible to have access to it. Similarly, we need to help youth recognize how our things are meaningful as well and that they need to be viewed and handled with respect.
Along these lines, I’ve always favored any activities that help youth take a caring and proprietary stance towards their living quarters. Such activities can include having youth contribute towards maintenance, and by having them, rather than others, make decorations and the like on special occasions. Throw those canned holiday decorations in the trash and have the kids do the job the next time around.
The more familiar one is with a category, the more one’s perspective and understanding of it changes.
Any of us might assign a negative connotation to a labeled group. Maybe we once had a bad experience with one person who was a member of such a group and we generalized it to everybody who might be subsumed under that heading.
Or, and perhaps more frequently in child and youth work, a child has a label such as “Oppositional Disorder” which leads us to anticipate the worst even before we know him or her.
The Pennsylvania State Police have a negative reputation. Everybody who drives the Pennsylvania Turnpike tries to drive 80 miles an hour – 15 miles an hour over the posted speed limit – while trying to elude the enemy, the state police, who would surely give speeders a very expensive ticket.
Then came the time I lost my purse – yes, money, credit cards, keys, everything – while driving the turnpike. It’s a long story involving several state officers as to how I got that purse back – without a dime missing. But I can mention the officer who made sure that I was safe while another officer checked all the turn-offs where I thought I might have left it. I can mention another officer who not only made a special trip to retrieve the purse when he received a call from the honest service plaza employee who actually found it but also called me at work to tell me that it was safe at a nearby police station. My perception of the Pennsylvania State Police changed radically and I now view them as my protectors.
What are the implications for child and youth work? Something we all really know: We don’t form a relationship with a diagnostic category, no matter how tempting this is; rather we look past it to understand the individual.
Sometimes you have to prove yourself to form a relationship – right or wrong!
Another dive boat story! I was buddy-less again on a commercial dive boat. I knew nobody and was obviously the oldest person there. As the boat ferried us out to the dive site at least 10 miles off shore, there was the usual dive boat banter among everybody – except me. Nobody said a word. We had the first dive and then it came time to get back on the boat. This isn’t easy. You have to get a foothold on a ladder that may be swooshing and clanging up and down in the waves. Then you have to climb up with your heavy tank and weight belt containing as much as twenty pounds of lead. As I was pulling myself up the ladder, everybody was gaping at me. Then I got it! This explained the silence. They were wondering if I’d be able to get back on the boat! “Please, God, let me climb back on this boat all by myself,” I prayed as I reached for the railings that would enable me to heave myself up on deck. It helped. I made it! People had just stared and nobody had offered a hand. However, as I sat down at my spot and started taking my equipment off, the chatter began. “Good dive?” “Where are you from?“, “Where else have you dived?” Suddenly I belonged. But I was the one who had to make the special effort.
A significant relationship may be a random, one-time event
I’m a sushi lover and when by myself in another city, quickly locate the nearest sushi restaurant and go there. I usually, as the saying goes, “belly up” to the sushi bar. This is a counter right in front of the area that the sushi chefs work, making it easy to watch them and for them to hand an order to the customer. I’ve also found sushi bars provide an opportunity to converse with a strange person nearby, exchanging notes about favorite roll concoctions.
Recently I was alone in a sushi bar. In the middle of my meal, the chef, noting I had ordered salmon, asked, “You like salmon?” “I love salmon and avocado,” I replied, thinking of my invention of a “Pittsburgh Roll”, with salmon, avocado, scallions and spicy mayonnaise that I sometimes ask chefs to make. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that the chef was making a handroll – a cone shaped affair in which ingredients are tastefully stacked inside a piece of seaweed. Suddenly the handroll was set at my place! It was packed with salmon and avocado. As I finished that and the rest of my sushi, I glanced up to notice the chef carving the skin of an orange to make it look like a graceful swan. “Hmm, wonder who’s getting that?” I was amazed when the chef again placed it in front of me. As I left, I smiled and thanked him profusely.
So, all I can do now is be warmed by the memory and by the idea that there was something, and I don’t know what it is, about me that generated the generosity in this chef. Such generosity, noticing when somebody is alone and taking action, are perhaps behaviors we want to model for our youth, and encourage them to use. Similarly, we need always to look for ways to give to youth, not take away from them.
Random and varied relationships are important to us, just as are those that are more permanent and longer term. One might ask, “How can the random relation-
ship influence one’s work as a child and youth worker?” Perhaps not directly – it’s not necessarily a strategy for working with youth. Rather it’s a way of living that inevitably will “rub off” on one’s perspective towards life and other people, with implications for showing our children and youth perhaps the most fundamental characteristic of relationships – they vary in many ways, and they are everywhere, every day.
Originally published in CYC-Online, 177, November 2013
