Listen to thisOne of my favorite things about this work is that each day is never the same. I might have a set plan of what I will be doing that morning, afternoon or evening but often (in my experience), things can be turned upside down within seconds and I must quickly pivot in a new direction. Every day I travel into the unknown, like many of you. Wondering where it will bring me or who I will meet and connect with. During these moments of transition, while the shift at work is recalibrating, I try to be mindful of how important it is for me as a worker to be ‘connection-focused’: to offer openness, comfort, and stability for the young people I encounter while we are in active change together. When this happens, I recognize it is a teachable moment in how we can learn to oscillate together in the day to day.
Because of this, it is imperative for the practitioner to be aware of themselves and how they manage during a change of schedule or a situation where they have to pivot at work. As a child and youth worker, I feel it is important for the practitioner to be as consistent as possible, of course this can vary depending on the setting and the young person(s) life circumstances. In my experience consistency helps create a feeling of predictability for the young person as well as the co-created relationship with the worker. While this is happening trust is forming which can support a feeling of felt safety for the young person, enhancing the depth of the connection while decreasing the young person(s)s anxiety and uncertainty during moments of change.
Navigating evolving circumstances when working with young people can bring with it feelings of fear, creativity, frustration, possibilities, anger, guilt, or relief, just to name a few. And as a worker, you have to decide how you want to lead or model regulating the rest of the interaction or shift (day/night), when it’s happening in real time (with young people). Learning how to adjust in life is a skill that needs exercising to obtain mastery. The Circle of Courage Model (Brendtro et al., 2019, p. 19-20) suggests how informative it can be to a young person’s development.
In Reclaiming Youth at Risk, the authors describe mastery as, “The drive to strengthen one’s knowledge, skill, or talent. Research that defines intelligence as a person’s ability to respond successfully to challenges and learn from experience has replaced earlier views that intelligence is fixed. The authors quote Robert Sternberg who identifies three types of intelligence: first is analytic intelligence which is the ability to solve problems. Second is creative intelligence which involves new ways of doing things, and three, there is practical intelligence which is the intuitive ability to solve problems in everyday life and relationships (Brendtro et al., 2019, p.19-20).
Using the above information, it is important that during a sudden change, the reaction of the worker isn’t projected on the young person and using this moment to build the young person’s skill to master the change. Being cognizant of how our (workers) reactions, such as body language (verbal or non-verbal) are expressed is of the utmost importance. I highlight this because in my experience the young person is at the center of our daily work and anything happening around them that they are directly involved in can feel personal, could be misinterpreted and internalized. For example, if the young person misinterprets a worker’s frustration of an appointment change, it could be interpreted in the eyes of the young person that it is their fault or they are the source of the frustration. To avoid this, ideally the worker is processing in collaboration with the young person to clearly understand the situation.
Working together during these difficult moments or change offers an opportunity for connection and engagement between the worker and young person. Additionally, this models how to process ‘inconveniences’ that will show up in life. This offers the young person a guided problem-solving moment that can support the development of an important life skill they will surely utilize in the future.
When we work together with a young person to process life changes, we can create an invitation for a meaningful moment to occur. In these moments, it provides the opportunity to explore emotions, sit with the emotion(s) in a safe space, co-regulate, possible repair and to look at how to build skills through inevitable life transitions.
Having done this many times, this has looked significantly different depending on the young person. This can take minutes, hours or a few days. An example I find particularly tough is when a family visit is cancelled, moved or rescheduled (rightfully so). Supporting a young person in their regulation in these situations is deeply personal to them because it can be a situation where they are triggered. Being able to be present, open, non-judgmental, and use trust and safety built within the connection can help support a beautiful learning moment that is restorative to the young person as well as being emotionally responsive to the young person in their time of dysregulation.
Braving the Storm
As an example, it is appropriate for a person to have an emotional reaction to something they were looking forward after being cancelled. It is normal for people to have emotions and sometimes for them to be difficult to process. Cancellations happen in life, but it doesn’t mean they don’t have influence on the young person. I often see professionals attempting to redirect a young person when they are struggling emotionally with the change. Although I understand the idea of redirection (ex. to distract from emotional pain). I often feel that a step can be overlooked, and this step is presence (time) that the worker offers. Moving quickly away from moment(s) of significant emotion can minimize the young person’s experience. When a visit with family has been canceled, I’ve heard responses like, “Don’t worry, go play with the kids outside”. This offers little room (if any) for the young person to explore how the cancellation is affecting them and making them feel. Workers need to be mindful of the cues (verbal or non-verbal) the young person shows and that it takes time for them to process what has/is happening to them.
I have heard statements like the one above hundreds of times, in many forms. I wonder if it is due to the lack of time a worker has, or if the worker is burnt out, experiencing compassion fatigue, struggling with vicarious trauma or it’s simply because they are busy and have many tasks to complete before the shift is over or perhaps another kid needs their attention.
I call it being ‘connection-focused’ for a reason. The day to day is busy and as helping professionals we have our own lives happening in the background while we are interacting with others. I started saying ‘connection-focused’ to myself years ago to be a constant reminder that this is the priority of my work, to connect. To me, being present, open, compassionate, frequent check-ins, and being observant of the young person’s behaviors gives good indicators of how the practitioner could approach the situation. Using the cancelled visit as an example, noticing how the young person is acting after the news, then acknowledging the reality of the situation “I’m sorry the visit cancelled” gives room for further elaboration from the individual if they wish. Moving into a one-to-one environment while doing an activity could be helpful in offering privacy and the opportunity for the young person to process in a way that makes sense to them with a trusted and safe adult. In my experience, I have heard from many young people that they “feel they are overlooked or that nobody cares”. That “workers often miss what’s going on underneath” or “why did nobody ask how I felt”? I feel that I am taught some amazing lessons everyday by different folks who have diverse and unique experiences in life and from the quotes above this is why leading with a connection-focused lens is important to me.
Additionally, being a helper can be depleting, and it can be hard to continuously be caring for others. Let us acknowledge that some systems are not set up to truly be relational due to the demand and lack of workers to children which can make it more difficult for the worker to relationally connect. Becoming desensitized by the day to day is something I actively watch for in myself because this can lead to missing “moments”. This highlights how important wellness, support and care are for the practitioner to be open and effective in their daily work to continue being relational and connection centered.
I want you to think of how in that moment above when the young person’s visit with their family was cancelled, how might a worker be connection-focused with the young person?
These questions create the opportunity for contemplation, to prepare for noticing and to show up with presence in the future. Maybe your response isn’t long, but you took the time to check in, so the young person feels acknowledged and they might come back to you later because you made a point of asking. Maybe the young person doesn’t care and perhaps they were back to other things quickly, but what if they did care and their overwhelming emotions were glossed over by the adults in the room, and their emotions continued to be ‘shoved down’ because they felt unseen?
Practitioners aren’t going to catch all the moments, but if we are purposefully noticing I think we might be more attentive to the people we interact with. Even if you are unsure, check-in. What is the worst thing that could happen? A young person sees you care for them, or they tell you to “F%^&-right off”? At least the door is open for the future.
Brendtro, L, K,. Brokenleg, M., & Van Bockern, S. (2019). Reclaiming youth at risk: Futures of promise (3rd ed.). Solution Tree Press.
