Listen to thisCarl Rogers saw, as a major goal of therapy, that persons should accept responsibility for their own values and recognise where they are living by the values of others. He looked for a client to move away from façades, “away from a self that he is not” while beginning to define, however negatively, what he is.
August Aichhorn believed that we should refuse even to respond to the tough exterior of aggressive kids, even if this caused them to suffer a crisis when they realised that their current modus operandi wasn’t working.
Fritz Redl was more tolerant in his acceptance of current “symptoms” and recognised that a child was at their most vulnerable when letting go their old ways of functioning before mastering new ways.
We know that children will construct a “front” behind which to hide their insecurity or doubt (whether the front is one of toughness or weakness); and we know that the only way children can change is when there is least threat to their sense of self and maximum acceptance of whoever they are right now.
We adults often collude in the building of false fronts, for example, when we demand external compliance in children’s attitudes and behaviours, even when these are not built on the real foundations of their own skills and wills.
The message they really need to get from us is the same message we needed from our own parents: “No matter what, we love you.” In our practice today we give children new goals and beliefs when we convey this message. “You don’t need the façade or the pretence of being something you are not: you are worthwhile as you are.” Again: “Where you are right now is a good enough place to start with the rest of your life.”
From: CYC Practice Hints III: A collection of practice pointers for work with children, youth and families
Practice Hints I, II and III are available from The CYC-Net Press store here.
