ListenStories are powerful for newer Child and Youth Care staff, who are eager to become more skilled quickly. Stories that describe being safe and connected are especially important since this is the foundation for eventual relational practice.
Spooning
Jose was building up a head of steam because one of the staff who was cooking dinner in the kitchen would not give him permission to go out that evening. He suddenly stormed into the kitchen and grabbed a knife that was lying on the counter and confronted the staff who was stirring a pot with a large ladle. He shouted that if he couldn’t go out tonight, he would stab him. A second staff member was standing nearby watching all this. The boy looked at this other adult and said “what are you going to do,” he replied calmly, “I’m going to witness a teenager being spooned to death.” After a brief confusing moment, the boy laughed and left the room.
Tea and Sympathy
Many of the teenage girls I worked with in a residential unit were quite aggressive and actually more difficult to calm down than the boys. A 16-year-old was very angry about something and started throwing things around the room, threatening to hurt me and screaming and yelling for over 30 minutes. The other girls left the area, and we went back and forth for quite a while. She finally went to her room and I was pretty exhausted. I gave her ten minutes, then went up to see her with a cup of tea and an orange which I had peeled for her. She was surprised to see me at all, especially with the treat. She said, “how can you be nice to me after all that?” I replied “I realized it could be worse, we could be married.” She thought that was quite funny. I left soon after because she could not apologize, but felt better about us.
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Newer staff struggle with handling aggression, because safety has not yet been established. Connecting rather than overpowering young people is the better response to challenging behavior, but it can be hard to do when you feel threatened. Saving face is very important for everyone, but it is usually up to the adult to create their result.
Reflective Questions
