Listen to thisAs a child and youth care practitioner when I first came into the field I wasn’t surrounded by other practitioners of the same discipline. However, I was surrounded by people who were wholistic, client-centred, culturally knowledgeable and strength based which made all the difference. Being led by these amazing folks I was able to be connected to mentors who had different educational, cultural backgrounds, and life experiences. In the early days of my practice these folks were available for me to run things by and have a safe place to try new approaches and strategies with the young people I was serving. This supportive environment gave me the time to develop myself as a practitioner along with my own individual ‘guides to practice’ while I was doing the work, often on my own being in a constant state of learning, building my own skills, capacity, and wisdom along the way. While I was moving in my practice in a relational way, this led me to identify four steps that supported me to connect with young people which I have identified them to be: respect, responsiveness, reciprocity and responsibility.
Respect
In my cultural (First Nation – Anishinaabek on Turtle Island or so-called Canada), we are taught to acknowledge every living being as our relative. This can provide a different way of thinking about relationships specifically with the land, water, animals, one another, community and the list goes on. This is one of the first ways we can show someone we honour them, their story, who they are in that moment and acknowledge their ‘essence’ or what is culturally referred to as to as their ‘purpose’. When we make a safe space for a young person to be themselves, to be heard and seen in their entirety this provides an ease, safety and comfort.
Adding to this, providing moments to get to know the young person, hearing their stories, experiences, expectations, values, needs and aspirations is one way that we show respect when our paths cross. When we listen and do not offer our own interpretation (perspectives or judgements) of their life, this is true respect. Accepting a person for who they are in the moment and what they bring to this world is often a step I see being missed in practice. Many practitioners are quick to discount how a person has got to the present and often want to rush in to ‘make changes or fix’ their life without recognition of the person’s own efforts of how they prevailed through their challenges, overcame difficult situations, or survived to present day.
When practitioners show respect, kindness and are courteous, it can reinforce ease and openness within the connection. When we recognise a person as a sacred being and equal to us (the worker), this promotes human to human or rather a heart-to-heart dynamic. Many of the young people that I have worked with often are looking for acceptance from the world around them. I find that when practitioners can offer respect within the first interaction or conversation (that continues throughout the connection), it is a quick way to open the door to build a supportive connection, one that goes hand in hand with acceptance.
Respect is in the little things, it can look like offering a snack, drink or more comfortable place to sit, stand or change the milieu. It can look like asking a young person “how they are doing or where they are at?” before a meeting starts and giving them time to speak and be heard. It can be a simple smile and providing space for a cultural, spiritual, religious, or meditative ritual that helps them get grounded. It can be offering choice. It can simply happen by providing an empathetic and listen ear when they might be struggling. It can be voicing a concern that the young person is not ready to bring forward on their own. True respect is ‘I am here, in this with you as you are.” Respect is beautiful as it is diverse in how it is expressed. I appreciate how it invites in creativity with each person we meet. How we view the individuals we work with can be felt and I encourage us all to reflect on how we are showing up each day.
Responsiveness
Building on respect, responsiveness helps to allow for flow in the interactions and mutual understanding of the connection. As a practitioner it is important for me to let young people know, I hear you and I see you. I am available and here to be supportive to your needs, development and growth. Responsiveness is having an in-depth understanding of the person, listening to their voice, seeking clarity, identifying needs all while showing care and empathy. Responsiveness is a great way to develop rhythm with a client because when we are truly responsive, we are inviting the client to fully participate in their plan of care and respect when they voice their needs. In my practice I work hard at having young people a part of their plans and to have influence over the decisions being made where appropriate. Equally, I think it’s essential to explain the process of how decisions were made to them or for them ensuring their developmental capacity and stage of development are taken into consideration. Being as transparent as possible with young people, I find builds trust, mirrors honesty and opens the door for discussions, questions and understanding. Responsiveness is unique and depending on the young person it is individualized as all peoples needs differ.
I once was working with a young person whose caregiver wanted the youngest sibling to work with me as their older siblings were also involved. This sibling didn’t have the same level of risk or needs as the other siblings. There was a lot of pressure coming from the caregiver assuming that all the children needed the same service delivery. I made it a priority to meet with this young person a few times, to try to identify what it is they might need and if they want to be a part of the program, as it is voluntary. I decided to give space to engage in a fun, low pressure activity that gave us time to connect, laugh, chat about ‘nothing and everything’ more than once. Slowly the young person started to share about how they wanted a role model, a healthy and safe adult in their life. Someone they could talk about the peer pressure they are experiencing, body changes that come with puberty, the anxiety they feel from the world (social media) and learning about healthy relationships. As a practitioner, being able to pivot to what this young person needed and what they are experiencing in their life at this moment is responsive. This looks different to the work I am doing with their siblings, but it doesn’t make it any less important. When we take the time to hear a young person and validate their concerns in their life outside of the dynamics with family, school, and the world we allow for their truths to surface. As a practitioner, I feel it’s important to honour and assist in building young people’s capacity to use their voice and allowing them to identify their needs (however big or small), is a respectful and a responsive way to be in a caring connection. Validating the needs and looking at what is realistic, what is a short term or long-term goal, all helps a young person build decision making skills while getting to know themselves alongside a safe person (worker). I find this draws a young person into being actively engaged in the process. What I try to mirror to my young people is how can they become responsive to themselves, a skill that takes practice and active effort. In my opinion we are doing young people a disservice if we are not teaching (mirroring) them how to look within to support a greater understanding of self. We can teach self responsiveness while also building an appropriate support system into their lives that encompasses specific services and expands their community so as they grow and develop, they know who is in their corner.
Reciprocity
Once we have built a stable foundation of respect and we are able to understand how to show up (be responsive) for a young person, what I usually experience next is reciprocity. This is interesting to me because being a worker I do not expect a client to ‘give’ to me as my role is to support the client. What I find beautiful about relational practice is how when care, safety, comfort, trust are established and become consistent it starts to be mirrored back to the worker from the client as it is learned. This can take longer depending on the young persons life experience and it can be inconsistent, but I have found that it does show up if you are willing to look for it. When I see it, I draw attention to it and validate the way the young person expressed the form of reciprocity. When we engage in a supportive and genuine way, both parties benefit from the relationship as it becomes symbiotic. For example, the worker shows up with skills, capacity and knowledge to share and the young person can benefit while learning. Eventually, I have found that the connection transforms over time and the worker can learn from the young persons perspective, experiences and life events as well. This is why intergenerational connections are of a high priority for me because they offer robust learning and wisdom.
Reciprocity can look small, if you blink you might miss it. I once had a young person who was defined in their group home as ‘selfish, egotistical, and aggressive’. Over time they started to offer me little things like gum, a cookie, a water and even held the door for me as I walked into the home. Each time this happened I would draw attention to it and thank them for their kindness as they took the opportunity to go outside of themselves to help someone else and it wasn’t requested or demanded of them. One of the other youths in the home asked them “why they do that” and they responded with, “it’s easy to do for them because they do it for me.” This was important to not only see but to hear. This young person often talked a lot about respect and how important it was to them, so it was a value for them they felt they weren’t receiving in their group home at the time and they knew how to reciprocate when it was shown. Reciprocity is a beautiful way to develop a young person’s generosity and service to others. In practice when I start to see “signs” of reciprocity I know that I can then start to slowly introduce and highlight generosity and community involvement based on the context of our connection.
I’ve always taken my roles in young peoples lives seriously and with immense honor. The connections I’ve developed for a short time or long time are meaningful to me and I carry them with me throughout my life and practice. Culturally, we have a responsibility to others in our identified community, blood family or not we treat everyone equally. It’s not an obligation but a responsibility that is overflowing with care and compassion. Showing young people, you are responsible for them can be a restorative process from prior damaging relationships. Building upon respect, responsiveness, and reciprocity leads us into the responsibility of the person and the co-created connection between us. Responsibility is a teacher for me that takes effort to not only maintain the safety within the connection but to continue building and growing. Sharing with young people how responsibility is also about discovering their influence to self and community helps them conceptualize the world and where they fit. When we show what it means to be responsible to the connection (client and worker) we are teaching (informally) how they can show up in the world responsibly as their journey continues.
I once worked with a young person, and we were exploring “independence” and what that means and looks like to them. This young person happened to be in a residential program. The irony of this is that they are not able to do their own laundry or cook in the home but when they turn the age of 18, they are ‘magically’ supposed to know how to take care of themselves and live on their own. You can probably see how this would be an issue in the future. I digress. So, we are having this discussion around chores and responsibilities. This young person says, “Hey Ziig, you live on your own, eh? Do you eat cake for every meal? Cuz I would be.” Both of us laughed at this question and in the moment my answer (recovering from giggling) was, “Well, I’d probably get sick from the sugar rush and a good chance I would develop diabetes, but you are right, I could eat it everyday”. The comment from the youth is incredibly comical to me (still) not because of the question itself (it’s a good one) but because of the innocence and honesty that shine through it. Understanding where the young person is coming from with this question is imperative. In this young person’s case, due to their living conditions they never had the choice for meals and everything they ate was provided and planned for them. Of course, they are going to be thinking about cake and of course they would want to eat it for each meal when food is restricted in this manner. However, this led us into a great discussion about moderation, money management, and health. I’m still not entirely sure I convinced them not to eat cake for every meal, but I am sure I highlighted and planted some seeds about physical well-being, yeah, let’s go with that! My role as a worker is to not control or hold power over what the young person does, but to engage in dialogue around the pros, cons and to help educate them so they are equipped to do what is right for them. My role is to teach self responsibility.
Throughout my interactions with young people, exploring responsibility in its layers encompasses many things but I see the following as a focus point depending on the young person: developed sense of autonomy, comprehension of their influence, self confidence, the ability to self advocate, developed life skills, have an in-depth awareness of emotional intelligence and interpersonal skills, independence, well-being, and increased healthy decision making among other things.
Wrap up
Working on my own and having independence and freedom around how I implemented my education, training, culture and life experience helped me to develop my own approach. With each person I interacted with these Four R’s kept re-occurring as I started to identify themes in my early days in the field. I started to notice over the years how these worked or didn’t and I was able to try them in different scenarios to see if they fit. I don’t feel that these have any order and I’m not naive to say they must be used, or they are better for a long-term interaction rather than short term ones. I think this worked for me because it is flexible to each situation I find myself in with young people and adults while capturing their individuality, voice and needs.
