Listen to thisOn a recent cross-Canada family vacation to Halifax, Nova Scotia, a
distant relative commented that my children seemed to get along very
well. I answered that yes, they did – when they weren’t killing each
other.
My children will potentially have a more influential and longer lasting
relationship with each other than with my husband or me. Their
relationship will possibly last longer than their relationship with
their future spouses and even their own children. My son and daughter
constantly struggle for who has ultimate control over every situation
they find themselves in. It has been fascinating watching their
relationship evolve over time but I’m somewhat frightened about what
lies ahead.
I meet so many people who tell me they have terrible relationships with
their siblings, or worse, no relationship at all. How does this happen?
Can I prevent this from happening with my own kids?
My daughter was three-and-a- half years old when my son was born. She
has spent the most time in control just because she was here first. She
jumped at the chance to help take care of her brother and reveled in
being able to control his movements, his toys, his whole environment.
Her position as first-born in the birth order has required her to
develop a variety of pro-social skills – helping, sharing, co-operating.
She has also been placed in a position that allows her to be an
effective teacher of these skills to her younger brother.
But now that my son is four, he is no longer as pliable as he was when
he was an infant. He can (loudly) voice his opinions and physically
fight for his territory. My daughter has become a master of manipulation
where her brother is concerned, using all kinds of psychological warfare
to her advantage, learning from her mistakes and constantly updating her
management operations arsenal. For his part, my son is learning at twice
her speed to be equally as manipulative. He is paying attention to what
works and what doesn't, as well as to his parents' reactions to this
behaviour, intensely planning his strategies and rebuttals.
My usual reaction has been to get quite involved and facilitate the
argument. But I realize that I’m not helping, only becoming a pawn in a
never-ending war. So I vow to stay out of it and let them deal with it,
suffer their own consequences and learn from their experiences. Except I
can’t stand to do that either because the noise of them bickering and
battling drives me crazy. So I have resorted to threatening to split
them up, separate them. They are horrified at the thought of being
separated, especially during a summer vacation or a long Christmas break
when other friends are few and far between. They quickly join forces
against the evil third party and scurry off together in a temporary
truce. Depending on how tired, hungry or merciless they are feeling,
this truce can last anywhere from a few seconds to several hours – and
then they’re right back at it.
I have always had a good relationship with my (only) older brother,
except for, as he reminded me recently, the five or six years we didn’t speak at all. Ah yes, I had conveniently forgotten about that rift in
our teen years when he was a geek and I was a loser. Although we each
deemed each other less than cool, I do remember my brother helping me
out of a few sticky situations when I was in high school. And I do
remember watching how he handled things and how my parents reacted to
his screw-ups, which helped me gauge mine. After years of living
continents apart, our whole family is concentrated in one area again.
Seeing my brother more often now after all these years is somehow very
comforting. I still learn new things about him (and from him) all the
time, but the core of who he is seems to be imbedded in my soul. To
speak of the past with someone who knows it almost like you do is
validating and reassuring. To grow old with him in my family’s life will
be a privilege, and as our parents age, it will be hugely supportive to
have someone else to consult with on how to best assist them.
I am reminded of a previous long ago cross-Canada family vacation, where
my brother and I were each treated to a special something at one of the
pit stops along the way. We were driving from Winnipeg, Manitoba to
Halifax, Nova Scotia and about half-way there, my parents purchased a
wooden tomahawk for my brother. I was given a soft suede drum. Hardly a
fair and equitable situation. You can imagine what happened in the back
of the old Volvo station wagon as we sped along the highway!
All these years later, we are in Halifax with our children and my
husband takes the kids to pick out a special something. My son chooses a
long plastic pirate’s sword complete with scabbard. My daughter chooses
a seashell. I want to scream. Luckily we are traveling by plane this
trip and of course, the sword is not allowed in the carry on luggage. So
my daughter is spared the same fate as her mother, at least until we get
home.
Trying to teach our children how to express their anger, irritation or
resentment towards their siblings without nastiness and cruelty is
exhausting. But, if they can learn to use some of these tools in their
own relationships, it can only help them to form effective peer
relationships and hone some of these social skills that they can use
throughout their lives. Hopefully, my kids will continue to negotiate
the conflict between them in their lives and with any luck, they’ll
become normal functioning people with a somewhat normal, enduring and
supportive relationship in this world. They've got their work cut out
for them.
This feature: Laidlaw, L. (2007). The joys of being a Sibling. Relational Child Youth Care Practice, 20(4), pges 21-23
