Listen to thisSo, in the late afternoon the other day I am going to visit this group home for adolescent girls. I was with a staff from the program. When we arrive, I take a minute getting my stuff from the car and the staff goes in the house ahead of me. I wander in behind her by about 30 seconds. The door is left open for me so I walk in. Normally I would knock, but I thought I was with the staff.
When I step through the back door in to the kitchen, I see a group of staff and kids just hanging out doing 'kitchen things”. A couple of staff, who I know, are standing around engaged in conversation with each other and the youth, one of the girls of the house is making herself something to eat, another is sitting at the table. They are all engaged in that primary of kitchen tasks; talking, sharing, and debriefing the day.
I walk in, giving a nod of greeting to the staff,
and say hello to the youth who have turned to look at me. In the blink
of an eye, the young woman sitting at the table disengages herself from
the on-going conversation, looks squarely at me and addresses me
directly. 'Who are you?” she demands. And make no mistake, it was a
demand and she had my attention. She was direct, clear, and
appropriately confrontational. There was no question but that she wanted
the question answered. And she wanted it answered now. The other young
woman, also looking directly at me, chips in with a 'yah, who are you”.
Everyone is watching. I smile and say my name is Thom, still thinking
that I am with the staff I came with. It is clear that the young woman
at the table doesn’t assume the connection. Thirty seconds was enough of
a delay for her to see us as separate. She isn’t put off so easily. “What are you doing here?" she asks. Again she is appropriate, clear and
direct. This is another question to which she expects (yes, 'expects–)
an answer. I tell her I am there to do something with the staff. She
turns to look at them, seeking confirmation. They nod and say a few
words about me. As soon as it is established that I am there by
invitation the young woman relaxes. Not that she was tense, she was just
alert. Appropriately on guard.
She looks back at me and says, “Okay, I thought maybe you were just one of those guys who wander in off the street." Her comment generates laughter and everyone goes back to what they were doing.
Later, I catch her for a moment in the living room. “So, do I look like one of those guys who just wanders in off the street?", I ask.
"No," she says. “But it is always best to check. You never know."
No wonder the place feels safe and everyone can relax at times. Everyone is watching over the comings and goings. And the young people aren’t afraid to ask. Looking out for yourself is a skill, which this young woman has obviously learned and is supported in exercising in the program. I was a stranger, I walked in and I was confronted by this young woman about who I was and why I was there. It felt good to me.
Later I visited another group home. I rang the doorbell and waited. When the staff answered I was told I should have just walked in. I said that as a consideration for the young people I preferred to wait till someone answered the door “so that young people don’t have strangers just walking in on them. The staff told me it was alright. That’s how they did things here. Everyone just walks in.
If everyone just walks in, I wonder how the youth tell the good guys from the bad guys.
Like the young woman sitting at the table said ... “You never know".
Helping the young people feel and be safe. Not much more important than that is there?
Thom
