Listen to this

practice

Therapeutic sharing: using positive music with children who are angry

Gordon R. Hodas

The author explains how the therapeutic sharing of music can have positive effects on angry youth, and shows how to make use of song lyrics in approaching troubled young people.

Sixteen-year-old Sandi experienced losses early in life and was predisposed toward depression. Of greater concern was her history of suicide attempts when overwhelmed, discouraged, or confused. Rather than identify her concerns and seek help, Sandi would conclude that she was “dumb” and things were hopeless. Self-destructive behavior often followed. At one point during her residential treatment, Sandi experienced a significant disappointment and became suicidal. As her psychiatrist, I tried with no avail to offer comfort. Over the next several days, in response to helpless feelings perhaps not unlike Sandi’s, I wrote “No Suicide!” With her permission, I sang the new song to her. “Thanks,” she said, abandoning all pretense of cool. “This is wonderful.” I offered her a copy of the lyrics, which she readily accepted. On the day of her discharge several months later, I visited with her to say goodbye. “I hope you still have the song, and will use it,” I said. In one motion, Sandi reached into the back pocket of her jeans and said, “It’s right here. It’s going home with me.”

The universal language
Music, with or without lyrics, is a universal language as well as a source of pleasure and joy for many people, regardless of age or specific circumstances. Young people especially value music, and listening to music is part of a cultural rite of passage for most. For adults working with children and adolescents, music offers a unique opportunity for sharing and “being real.” The professional relationship remains, but listening to and dis–cussing music is also a personal exchange. Songs with lyrics offer a safe way to look at a situation from a distance after all, the song is about someone else, not about the child and his or her family. Songs offer a way to convey feelings that might be hard to express directly, whether they involve love, hurt, anger, or confusion. In addition, songs offer an opportunity for adults to present prosocial ideas that children might disqualify as “boring” or “irrelevant” if offered in direct conversation. The novel context created by the conjoining of words and music in a song, and the sharing of that song in a helping relationship, makes it possible to convey nearly any message without preaching, and in a way that is likely to be considered. This is why music is a powerful tool for communication and connection with children.

Music and the angry youth
Those who work with children, parents and professionals alike, recognize that unprocessed anger can become destructive. The range of potential outcomes for children is well known and includes individual and community violence, extreme social alienation, alcohol and substance abuse, risk-taking behaviors, self-destructive behaviors, school absences, teen pregnancies, school dropout, and eventual unemployment or under–employment. Even if violence is not an early response, down“Ward spirals involving the above symptoms and behaviors may in time lead to criminal behavior and violence.

Music can help. After all, an important goal in working with angry children is to learn about their anger and help them process it constructively. The use of positive music (music with prosocial lyrics and themes) can strengthen helping relation'ships between children and adults and also help children deal effectively with anger. I have found positive music to be an ex–ceptionally effective tool in dealing with troubled youth.

Naturally each child's anger is different, and sensitivity on the part of the helping adult is essential. The following set of as–sumptions is useful in approaching young people, particularly those who are defiant or angry:

• Children are always listening, regardless of how they may appear or what they say.

• Children tend to fulfill the expectations of those important to them.

• Children tend to reproduce behaviors they observe in important others.

• Children respond best when treated respectfully and with a presumption of their positive intentions.

Of particular relevance is the need to listen to children and to offer them opportunities for change that avoid humiliation and the loss of face. Lack of regard, on the part of peers or adults, for the child's extreme sensitivity to being “dissed” may at times lead to tragic, violent outcomes. All children, including “and perhaps especially “those with mental health diagnoses and social-emotional limitations, are likely to respond favorably to the consistent provision of respect, support, positive expectations, patience, and positive life experiences (Hodas, 2000b). In the therapeutic sharing approach I describe, the offer of music is made respectfully, and the child's consent is obtained before any sharing occurs. The conduct of the adult is mature, sympathetic, and restrained, all qualities worthy of emulation. The adult also presumes that the child in question wants to do well and will do well, once given opportunities to overcome current barriers to his or her functioning. Such opportunities must be offered in ways that do not humiliate the child or cause him or her to lose face. One benefit of positive music is that it offers input to the child indirectly, as a catalyst rather than as a directive, so that the child is not threatened and is more likely to respond constructively.

Music as a Therapeutic Sharing Ritual Suggested approach. Rather than playing a lot of songs at a particular time, choose just one. Take care to choose a song directly related in some meaningful way to the dilemma of the child, or that of the child and family. Before playing the song, introduce it and explain why you have chosen it. Afterwards, ask for reactions. This request typically leads to a useful discussion and an opportunity to relate the themes to the child's life.

A related approach involves asking the child to bring in music that is especially meaningful to him or her, explaining to you its personal importance as you listen together. If you respond respectfully and with curiosity, productive discussion is likely to follow. This approach highlights the reciprocity of learning in a helping relationship and constitutes a kind of cultural exchange. Here the emphasis on prosocial music selections can be relaxed if necessary. If a child wants to bring in music that he or she does not regard as positive, support this also, because chosen songs serve as windows into a child's thoughts and feelings.

Regardless of who chooses the songs, the process of using music to address themes of relevance to the child is a therapeutic sharing ritual (Table 1). The exchange of music, the discussion that ensues, and the effort to connect the song’s themes to the individual child's dilemma all are part of a special process different from the usual exchanges within psy–chotherapy and helping relationships.

Finding the music. Positive music can be drawn from many sources “one is limited only by one’s own knowledge and resourcefulness. In an effort to remain somewhat current, I periodically ask children with whom I work to list positive songs that have influenced them, or to bring me tapes of such songs. I also ask colleagues for suggestions, and listen actively to music, with an ear to songs that might help children or their families. As a result of these efforts, I have developed a music typology that identifies relevant life themes and matches them with particular songs and artists (Hodas, 1991, 1994).

Table 1

Interestingly, when a therapeutic sharing ritual involving music is offered to a child, the type of music matters much less than might be expected. While the child might favor rap music, for example, he or she will nevertheless listen attentively and re–spond to other types of music. Music selections will be influ–enced by the musical tastes of the helper. I myself lean toward blues, rhythm and blues, folk, rock, gospel, and country, along with some songs of my own. You can draw from popular songs, less well-known songs, original songs, and songs the children bring to you. It is noteworthy that sometimes it is the least ver–bal and most macho child who responds most attentively to the therapeutic use of positive music.

Music offers input to the child indirectly, as a catalyst rather than as a directive, so that the child is not threatened.

Themes

Self-control. Geoffrey Canada (1998), Elijah Anderson (1999), and others have identified children's need to have access to com–munity elders as a source of influence for prosocial decision making and survival. For this purpose “Cool Down,” by John Cephas and Phil Wiggins (1995), is exceptionally effective. The artists are African American blues singers from the Piedmont region of Virginia, and their music has a certain laid-back qual–ity, with superb guitar work, straightforward vocals, and, on this song, stunning harmony in the chorus. Their view of youth violence is entirely consistent with that of professionals who urge angry children to “stop and think.” In addition, “Cool Down” appeals to the child's spirituality, and addresses the need for survival. Easygoing yet urgent at the same time, the song makes its point gently but unmistakably. The message is clear: Keep your cool, put down the guns, and don’t become violent.

After hearing this song, most children comment on the music first, because it starts with a long instrumental passage. Then they focus on the message, which Cephas and Wiggins convey respectfully and with concern, just as elders are supposed to do. One male adolescent, after hearing the song, said with a smile, “This is the kind of music my grandmother likes. It’s pretty good.”

Another song that directly addresses the need for self-control and the avoidance of violence is one of mine, “Stop and Think.” Fortunately, the lyrics can stand alone and be used for therapeutic sharing even by those unaware of the melody and without the audiotape. The lyrics can also be used as a catalyst for classroom discussion with children. “Stop and Think” draws on the work of many social skills educators and trainers, including that of Jerry McMullen (1997). A key element in social skills approaches is the child's use of reflection and internal processing to interrupt the impulse toward immediate reaction in response to verbal or physical aggression by others. The song “Stop and Think” incorporates the following principles: thinking before acting, maintaining one’s dignity, accepting personal responsibility, seeking and accepting feedback and support, and offering respect to others. The lyrics offer both a rationale and a sequential set of steps that the child can follow. Verses two and three urge the listener to think before re–sponding with anger:

Stop and think before you act
Take control, don’t just react
You can’t take an action back
So stop and think, and get on track

Temper is an enemy
Takes away your dignity
Self-respect, it has no price
So stop and think, it’s sound advise

A final example of a song that promotes self-control is “I Wouldn’t Treat a Dog (The Way You Treated Me)” (1974), by blues singer Bobby Blue Bland. This song is especially relevant because it addresses the response to rejection in romantic relationships. Such rejection is a common source of retaliatory violence in our society, which includes the violence of romantically spurned youth. The singer relates a familiar story: when things were going well, his lover was there. However, “When I needed a friend/You were nowhere to be found.” The protagonist is clearly hurt, and also angry. But instead of lashing out violently, he is committed to preserving his dignity. He does so by telling his story (words are portrayed as a powerful alternative to violence), by manfully acknowledging his pain (–I’ve got a hole where my heart used to be–), and by invoking the golden rule as an alternative to retaliation (–I wouldn’t treat a dog/The way you treated me–). The singer is able to mourn his loss, acknowledge his pain, and avoid being drawn into a violent response that would lower him to the same level as the lover he believes has unjustly abandoned him.

Understanding and empathy. In addition to songs that address violence explicitly, I make use of songs that deal with some of the conditions that predispose toward violence. Lack of understanding is one such condition: children need to be understood and respected. To convey this idea, I often play “My Skies” by James Keelaghan (1993). “My Skies” is a plea for understanding and empathy” try to understand things from my point of view, says the song. The singer could be a child or an adult, because the need being described is universal. Even though the song is somewhat poetic and sophisticated, chil–dren usually understand it, or at least are able to get the gist. The chorus goes in part as follows:

Take a walk under my skies
Try to see it once the way I do
If you look out through my eyes
you'll find a different point of view

Persistence. Many angry children have a strong sense of fairness and justice. When they find these values consistently violated and are given no opportunity to improve things for themselves or others, their anger intensifies and may even turn to rage. Thus there is often a need to support the child's sense of fairness and his or her desire to make the world a better place. I turn again to James Keelaghan for a powerful song about the need to persist and not give up. The song, aptly enough, is called “Hold Your Ground” (1993). Keelaghan's lyrics include the fol–lowing exhortation:

If we stand together, we might turn this world around
Hold your ground.

There are innumerable examples of positive songs that address specific themes that promote prosocial responses in children. In a workshop at Pennsylvania’s 2000 Children's Interagency Conference on the Use ofMusic to Promote Relationships With Children, my parent co-presenter, Doris Weldon, introduced the song “Get Up, Stand Up” (1973). This Bob Marley hit, co-written by Peter Tosh, also addresses the need to persist and not give up. The chorus of this song offers an essential message:

Getup, stand up – stand up for your rights
Get up, stand up – don’t give up the fight.

Overcoming hopelessness. The decision to resort to violence is most often a reflection of lost hope. It is therefore beneficial to offer children songs that deal with the need to maintain hope–fulness. Such songs should not attempt to minimize the child's perception that life is difficult, because this would in effect dis–qualify the child's experience and only exacerbate feelings of hopelessness and alienation. A credible response accepts the child's reality but offers the possibility that things can change.

There are innumerable examples of positive songs that address specific themes that promote prosocial responses in children.

There are many songs that deal with discouragement and the rediscovery of hope. My choice frequently is the Sam Cooke song “A Change Is Gonna Come” (1986). Although the Sam Cooke version is certainly wonderful in its own right, I find the Live in Japan version by contemporary blues singer Mighty Sam McClain, with its gospel-like intensity and its almost prayerful reverence, even more compelling. Despite its length, children respond very positively to this performance. An ef–fective introduction helps. Part of the introduction here involves McClain's own story, because he had been homeless and drug-addicted and was able, through unrelenting effort and faith, to pull himself up.

Family ties. One of the most disheartening experiences a child can endure is a cut-off from the family of origin. A child's family, even when there are problems, should be a constant for the child whenever possible. For some children this is not feasible, but for those for whom it is, continuity in family relationships must be supported. In those instances when a child intends to cut off contact with his or her family, I may confront this intention through music. A favorite selection of mine is “I Needed Somebody” (1986), a very moving song by New Orleans artist Irma Thomas. The story is about a woman who walks away from her family to start a new life and then forgets about them. Later on, when she needs them, she discovers all that has happened while she was away, and she is inconsolable.

Keeping oneself alive. Suicide attempts are a serious concern to families, helpers, and communities. The need to keep one–self alive is linked to many other issues previously addressed, including the need to avoid violence, to persist and not give up, to overcome hopelessness, and to maintain family ties. Yet the problem of youth suicide is of such importance as to merit its own discussion. When I encounter a child who is suicidal and conclude that the child might respond to a positive song, I often play an original song from my self-published tape (Hodas, 1993). Entitled “No Suicide!” the song is a rap performed by my colleague Richard Nelson. With this song (and with others, when possible), it is helpful to give the child a copy of the song’s lyrics, so that the child, if old enough and able to read, can follow along directly.

The theme of “No Suicide!” “the need to maintain personal safety and stay alive-is constantly reinforced during the cho–rus, which, unlike the verses (which are recited in rap), is sung.

No suicide, no suicide
Gotta keep yourself alive.

Sub-themes of “No Suicide!” include the need to seek support from family and friends, the need to maintain hopefulness, and the need to avoid drugs. In addition, there is a direct challenge to the common misconception that life is, or somehow is “supposed to be,” easy. Such an idea can encourage suicidal thinking in those who are already struggling. The lyrics argue otherwise:

Can’t you see, it’s just a lie
That life’s as easy as apple pie.

An expandable technique
Music is only one option available to those helping professionals in search of holistic, unconventional, yet appropriate approaches. While music is usually my primary creative resource in therapeutic sharing rituals, yours may be something else. Helpers can use poetry, movies, plays, magazines, newspaper articles, children's books and short stories, storytelling, and other inspirational sources. In each case, the basic guidelines remain the same. Sharing occurs as a collaborative effort and always is respectful. The goal is to allow the child to experience a therapeutic exchange, not to force the child to capitulate or surrender. The helper can use both original and published material, and can also encourage the child to bring in material of his or her own choosing. The aim of therapeutic sharing is to ad–dress a critical issue interfering with the child's progress and also to strengthen the bond between adult and child.

Presuming the positive
If one presumes the positive about children (see Hodas 2000a for elaboration), then a child's use of violence is seen as a default position, a position chosen when more functional responses have failed or have not been effectively learned. Effective helpers are sensitive to a child's unique life experiences, and also to the efforts of natural caregivers and community groups to help the child. The need for individualized understanding and a strong therapeutic connection becomes especially relevant in working with children who may have experienced repeated trauma leading to depersonalization and a deepening cynicism. According to Hope Hill (Isaacs, 1992), depersonalization with emotional distancing is a defensive reaction to exposure to unpredictable violent incidents over time. Depersonalization, explains Hill, “becomes gradually strengthened with each subsequent incident,” and the consequences may not be limited to just the emotional stability of the child. “Many adolescents,” Hill writes, “are able to so depersonalize some other persons that they become objects: the more one objectifies another, the easier it is to commit a violent act against that person” (p. 25).

Effective helpers are sensitive to a child's unique life experiences, and also to the efforts of natural caregivers and community groups to help the child.

The strengthening of the bond with the helping adult, apart from the specific benefits that may accrue to the child from the sharing ritual, can work to reverse a troubled child's tendency to view others as objects rather than as real human beings. When the use of positive music and other creative sharing rituals emerges out of genuine concern for the child and ongoing pursuit of individualized understanding, and when interactions occur within a relationship characterized by unconditional respect for the child, we can have a real effect on children who might otherwise have been without hope. Therapeutic sharing can affect the way these youngsters see themselves, the way they perceive their futures.

According to Geoffrey Canada (1998), “we need to say”, “I know you can change” (p. 103). With our sharing techniques, that is precisely what we are saying.

We are also saying, with our actions and our concern, exactly how the therapeutic bond should work. Surely there are no more apt words for us to keep in mind than those already mentioned, from James Keelaghan: If we stand together, we might turn this world around.

References

Anderson, E. (1999). Code of the street: Decency, violence, and the moral life of the inner city. New York: Norton.

Canada, G. (1998). Reaching up for manhood: Transforming the lives of boys in America. Boston: Beacon Press.

Hodas, G. (1991). Using original music to explore gender and sexuality with adolescents. Journal of Poetry Therapy, 4(6), 205-220.

Hodas, G. (1994). Reversing narrative of failure through music and verse in therapy. Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families, 1(3), 199-207.

Hodas, G. (2000a). Presuming the positive as part of strengths-based treatment in work–ing with children and families. In Hodas, G., Guidelines for best practice in child and adolescent mental health services (pp. 50-55). Harrisburg: Pennsylvania Office of Mental Health and Substance Abuse Services.

Hodas, G. (2000b). Working with children and adolescents who are defiant: Uncondi–tional respect comes first. Sharing: Newsletter of the Parents Involved Network of Pennsylvania, 10(2), 1-2, and 10(3), 1-3.

Isaacs, M. (2000). Violence: The impact of community violence on African American children and families. Arlington, VA: National Center for Education in Maternal and Child Health.

McMullen, J. (1997). A prosocial system for improving student discipline and responsibility, Behavioral Interventions. Bethesda, MD: National Association of School Psychologists, 4-7.

Discography

Bland, B. B. (7974). I wouldn’t treat a dog (the way you treated me). On Dreamer [CD], MCA Records.

Cephas, J. & Wiggins, P. (1995). Cool down. On Cool down [CD]. Chicago: Alligator Records.

Cooke, S. (1986). A change is gonna come. [Recorded by Mighty Sam McClain]. On Live in Japan [CD]. New Orleans, LA: Orleans Records.

Hodas, G. (1993). No suicide! On Stretch yourself? Songs for coping. Audiocassette and monograph (A user’s guide and songbook). Philadelphia: Second Chance Records.

Hodas, G. (1998). Stop and think. Unpublished vocal by Bill Roth.

Keelaghan, J. (1993). My skies. On My skies [CD]. Danbury, CT: Green Linnet Records.

Thomas, I. (1986). I needed somebody. On The new rules [CD]. Cambridge, MA: Rounder Records.

Tosh, P, & Marley, B. (1973). Get up, stand up. [Recorded by the Wailers]. On Burnin [CD]. Island Records: London.

This feature: Hodas, G.R. (2001). Therapeutic Sharing: Using Positive Music with Children Who are Angry. Reaching Today’s Youth, 5(2), pp. 31-35