Listen to thisIt’s shift change at the small residential program where I work, and yet another cake is brought out. Just a small single layer cake to mark the leaving of a staff person from our program as she moves to another program within the organization. I take a moment to contemplate how important cake has become to the program. We use these small cakes to mark birthdays and good-byes of both young people and staff. That in itself is important, but cake has also evolved into a means of teaching the young people how to say good-bye and to help them acknowledge their own feelings and emotions.
My deep thoughts are broken by the shouts of “Who wants cake?” and “Remember you have to earn your cake”. At our program, to earn a piece of cake you must first tell a story about the owner of the cake: a favorite memory, a story that is amusing or touching, or just make a wish for the person's future. The latter has been added to help those whose shyness prevents them from telling long-winded stories or to help the “new” people who have not yet learned to file away the good stories for retelling.
Once the cake comes out, it doesn’t take long for the air to fill with stories and laughter ... “I remember when I first met you, you were trying to barbeque a steak ... “, “I always liked when you ... “, and so the stories continue with each person around the table. As each story is told there is a comment, “you've earned the cake”, and a piece of cake is given to the teller. No one would dare take a piece of cake before telling the story. There are always those who want to go first or those who want to save their special memory for last. Occasionally someone will require time to think or may seek advice on what to say from someone else. Even those who forgo the cake are asked to share a story.
The cakes began as a means of marking transitions within the program. We had always marked occasions for the young people; birthdays, celebrations and good-byes all came with some sort of cake. Later, the cakes came to mark the transitions of the staff who had become part of the young people’s lives. We found that these little goodbyes became a way for young people to acknowledge the staff leaving the program. They would become part of the planning, ensuring cards were signed and that cakes remained hidden, a “surprise” for the recipient. Young people often remained in the unit, making special arrangements to be part of party. Of course, it wasn’t only about the cake; we have had cupcakes, pies and even breakfast pastry once when a 12-8 person left their position. None of the young people liked the pastry, but there were lots of good stories.
Like many of our interventions, the tradition of telling stories with cake arose from a need within the program. At one point a staff person was leaving after a very rough time with one particular young person and the youth was doing his best to avoid saying good-bye. There was a need for a mechanism to mark closure and to acknowledge the relationships that had been, for both the youth and the staff. The idea of sharing stories with cake was introduced and quickly accepted. When the staff person left the program each young person and staff present spoke of the relationship and what the staff had brought to the program. The youth in question, took part, and was able to say “good-bye”.
Over time, the tradition of cake at our program has evolved. The young people talk about it to each other and to the staff. It is one of the stories that they pass on to new young people as they move into the program, much the same as they talk about what rules can be bent, what things will not be tolerated, and what chores are the worst. It has become part of the program. Sometimes when something particularly amusing happens in the program, you may hear “I know what my cake story will be”. Cake stories are kept, sometimes traded or shared long before any occasion arises where one is needed.
Occasionally a staff person will want to avoid the attention of having “cake”. I am quick to remind them that it’s not about us, it is about the young people. However, I have come to learn that this is not 100% true; the cakes help us all. The staff who take part get to acknowledge the impact that young people or staff have made in the program. The recipients get those brief glimpses that we have somehow made a difference, something that is easily missed in the day to day of the program.
Of course, in the end, it is about the young people, and the effects are very recognizable. The stories have helped the young people develop voices to share their thoughts and emotions. It has helped some learn how to say good-bye. The story-tellers evolve, the stories increase in complexity and emotion the more times we continue with the ritual. Stories used to be only funny memories, I have noticed there are now more acknowledgments and sometimes “I will miss you” statements dispersed throughout. Perhaps some of this comes from watching the staff in the program role model these same feelings and emotions. It has become okay to acknowledge the impact others have on your life. The tradition of cake can often help begin the healing of negative emotions, helping the young people see the strengths in themselves and others.
Being a recipient of a cake comes with its own benefits. Originally the only thought was “Ha Ha, I don’t have to tell a story to get my cake”. However the young people have come to enjoy having people tell stories about them, acknowledging their strengths and accomplishments. This is no small feat when you consider how most of our youth respond to being praised. A young person may have several cakes throughout his stay with us, and they appear to enjoy each one a little more. I noticed that the last young person who had birthday cake with us, not only enjoyed the stories but offered suggestions of what each person may want to tell. He also added additional stories and memories throughout the cake. The cakes have also become a way for them to acknowledge the impact the other young people and staff have had on them.
As the current cake finishes for this day, I think to myself that my wish for the young people is that maybe this tradition will carry over to mark other transitions in their lives, or at the very least it will become part of the memories that will make them smile when they look back at their time here.
At the end of the day, I hope I have earned my cake.
