Listen to thisThis is the second of two parts. (See Part 1 here)
Abstract: This article presents a brief look at incorporating the act of loving into the professional helping relationship that is created in Child and Youth Care practice. The differences between the act of caring and the meaning of loving are discussed. Through an exploration of the author’s relationship with a child, the dangers of loving “including the expectations of acceptance of the love being given, expectations on the child to feel love, using love as a reinforcer, and love leading to burnout “are discussed. A new way of loving in Child and Youth Care practice that allows for the inclusion of loving in the helping relationship is explored and experienced by the author. Implications for incorporating love in Child and Youth Care practice are discussed.
A new way of loving in Child and Youth Care
Practice
A new form of love. Yes, one that can be added to practice in Child and Youth Care. Love that is not based on reciprocation, acceptance, or
conditions. Love that will allow a boundary and not be lost as it is
when given as a commodity. This is not to say that we as practitioners
need to love everybody. In some – and maybe in most – cases,
professional caring is all that we reach with the children we work with.
There may not be enough time for love to be fully expressed, as
contracts are limited or children are moved to a new home. A greater
love, however, a more mature form of love, can exist in practice when we
choose to include it, even in a brief moment of our connectedness with a
child. The love of the potential that people have, the value of human
life, and the curiosity of each individual’s subjective experience,
brings Child and Youth Care practitioners together. The kind of love we
can offer in a healthy way for the children we work with and for
ourselves as practitioners is a different form of exchange. This love
does not attempt to compensate for love not received in the child's
past, nor does it demand the child accept or give love in return. Such
love can be considered a lower form characterized by neediness,
chemistry, possession, or worship (Whitfield, 1985, as cited in
Whitfield, 1989). Child and youth care practitioners can bring loving
into practice through the briefcase they are already carrying to work.
The briefcase they carry is their Self, and accessing love from this
place can bring into practice the love that is characterized by freedom
from expectation of return or acceptance. Whitfield (1989) also suggests
a higher form of love that includes a different form of commitment,
unconditional empathy and acceptance, and a peaceful way of being that
allows the practitioner to include loving in their work with children.
Freedom
As I moved away from my old way of defining love in my practice with the
child I was working with, there came a sense of freedom within me. To be
able to truly express the loving part of my Self to the child,
regardless of his or her actions, allowed me to not only let go of any
reaction or hurt that I would receive, but also to free myself to work
with him more effectively. Feeling freedom out of loving without
definition does not come without struggle and practice. At times I
believed I could not be essentially human in working from this place
with him. It was difficult to not fall back into the reciprocal way of
loving or using my love as a commodity. In order to incorporate love,
and thus experience freedom, I needed to find the loving place in my
core Self and allow that to be expressed in the relationship. It is in
that place, the core Self that we so often are challenged to bring into
our practice, that loving without a definition exists. Loving, expressed
from the Self, can be brought into Child and Youth Care practice.
What an awesome task! So often I’ve heard from other Child and Youth Care workers about their struggle to not take verbal abuse personally or not take acts of violence “to heart.” I do not wish to minimize the effects of ad verse behaviour on the practitioner, for I have myself experienced the exhaustion and depletion of energy at the end of a work day. The awareness of Self, and a boundary where the worker ends and the child begins, gives freedom to continue to express loving. If I held onto all the negative experiences I have had with the child, I would in a sense no longer be free to work, and the child would no longer be free to grow, for my perspective would be clouded with every action they have ever taken. To love in practice, then, is to also be free. Freedom allows the promotion of growth in the child and allows the work to continue.
Commitment
The commitment I developed in the relationship with this child also
changed as the kind of love I put into my practice shifted. I no longer
have an “in it for the long haul” attitude, but am committed to the
relationship we have created together. Commitment, then, is a dedication
to the time we have, whether it is predetermined by an outside agency or
set by the children themselves. It was important for me to shift in my
way of being in relationship with this child from looking at “being
there” come what may to demonstrating that I was there, present and
available, in the here and now. I remembered my belief in the
uncertainty of time that I may have with those around me. As I cross
paths with others throughout my life journey, I have realized that I may
have people in my life for years, or for days or even seconds. The
commitment I had found through this different form of love meant that
while time allows, I am present and there.
Unconditional acceptance and empathy
The unconditional acceptance and empathy aspect of love that can be part
of Child and Youth Care practice can be the most difficult to apply.
Loving from the core Self has been challenging, albeit rewarding, in the
freedom it has supplied. Commitment has also come swiftly for me, as I
am able to see time as fleeting. Unconditional acceptance and empathy is
an expression of the loving part of our Self that goes beyond an
awareness and a commitment to the present. To unconditionally accept and
show empathy to the children we work with is easy for the “likeables” (Perlman, 1979) who are attractive and appreciative of our efforts. It
is also easy to fall into believing and using labels and negative
perspectives fed to us by other professionals about the children we work
with. To unconditionally accept means to face the “hard to reach,” who
are all too “often hard to love” (Perlman, 1979). It is easy to find in
my memory the faces of children to whom I have not been able to express
love. I remember avoiding them due to their smell, their whining, or
their “excessive” demands on my schedule. I realize now that my
avoidance was certainly not unconditional acceptance. I did not
demonstrate empathy, and therefore did not express love, and inevitably,
did little to care. Yet this remains as potentially the most important
part of loving that we, as Child and Youth Care practitioners, can bring
into practice. Our commitment and Self can be present, yet are
infrequently obviously demonstrated or stated beyond showing up for work
or meetings regularly or having a connection with a “likeable.” Unconditional acceptance and empathy, however, enter into every
conversation, every look, and every interaction that we experience in
our relationship with the child. It is an invitation from the Child and Youth Care practitioner to the children to express their core Self. In
the moments when it comes forward it is welcomed and accepted without
condition. When the child I’m working with comes home from school after
having a fight with another student, how I respond sends a message about
how I accept him, how I understand his experience, and, essentially, how
I am loving. Through looking at him, and inviting him to bring his Self
forward without judgement, I am accepting him as an individual. My
acceptance cannot be based on who threw the first punch; it is
unconditional. As I ask about what feelings occurred for him during the
incident, and express how difficult the experience must have been, I am
demonstrating empathy, and therefore expressing love. Unconditional
acceptance and empathy includes an openness to the way the children
choose to express the loving part of their Self. Inviting the children
to bring this loving forward, through their fears and constricting
definitions, can create a connectedness in the relationship beyond
caring to loving. This may sound simplistic, yet the energy and
challenge in including this level of love has been my greatest struggle
that requires all of the other aspects of love to be “working.” The
integration of Self into practice and our ongoing commitment to the
children, the field, the present, and humanity allow the demonstration
of unconditional acceptance and empathy. If I am not open to the child's
expression of Self, then the acceptance of the child is conditional. If
I am not committed to the relationship I have with the children, then I
will make little attempt at using empathy to understand their experience
of the world. The energy, then, that it takes to go beyond caring to
loving in Child and Youth Care practice must not be minimized. In my
beginnings of relationship with the child I work with, I described my
use of love as an intervention. This “early” love was easy. I was fresh
in the field and ready to give “love” to those that I believed were in
need of it. As demonstrated, that early love over time did not continue
to be useful. Yet, to only “care” about this child appeared to me to
only fulfill my job description. At the time I did not fully understand
the kind of love that can be seen as useful in practice. I had closed
the loving part of my Self off through the layers of fears and
definitions of love I had created. Through ongoing shifts and changes,
the new and higher love appeared. It continues to challenge me in what
it entails; yet from my experience if it is my choice to include the
loving part of my Self in my practice with this child, I must prevail. “Even love must be worked at” (Perlman, 1979).
Peace
I have begun to see through my experiences with the child I am working
with the kind of peaceful way of being Whitfield (1989) was referring to
in the realm of higher love. The tension and stress that I initially
felt in the early stages of my relationship with this child stemmed from
my own state of confusion regarding how to move from caring to loving.
The length of time and the intensive involvement with him seemed to push
me forward, yet I was uncertain about where it was going. I believed
caring to be the fulfillment of the job that was required of me in that
position as a Child and Youth Care worker. As I moved beyond caring, I
did not have the experience and education to know where loving could
take me, nor how to incorporate love in practice. I had layered the
loving part of my Self with definitions and fears, and therefore was
confused as to how to express love without expectation or condition.
Thus I dabbled in the dangers of love for some time, and our
relationship became stagnant. The frustration led to my burnout, for the
love that I was attempting to apply in the relationship was not
conducive to practice. Through my continued work with him, I have
learned about the higher form of love in practice. The peace that is now
present comes from knowing the freedom of loving within a boundary,
being confident in my commitment to the present, and showing
unconditional acceptance and empathy toward the Self that comes forward
in the child. The peace is the result of loving as a way of being and
allows me, as a practitioner, to be effective in my practice. Peace may
not always be constant throughout all my experiences as a Child and Youth Care worker in the past or in the relationships to come. I have
often retreated to my early definitions of loving when my fears of
losing my Self or loving too much are triggered. When I face a
relationship that I find difficult to incorporate love into, the peace
can come from reflecting on the work itself. Loving can be expressed as
a way of being, beyond the “unlikeables” that we have difficulty facing,
and beyond the constraints and pressures of the work we are presented
with. Loving the potential that each individual has, including the
potential that our ever-learning Self has, can bring peace. Loving the
dance in the relationships I bring my Self to be a part of, and loving
the new perspectives and learning that come from each moment with
another human being, can also give me peace.
Implications for practice
I can see through my discussions with fellow Child and Youth Care
workers how controversial the topic of incorporating loving in our
relationships in practice could be. The warnings would most definitely
be sounded around boundaries, being in agency, and rescuing. My purpose
is not to negate these dangers, and, as I have described, I have entered
into dangerous forms of loving in practice that have hindered my
effectiveness. I am also not implying that every Child and Youth Care
worker is required to love. Caring is what we are required to do in each
relationship we help create with the children we work with. The act of
caring is concrete, specific, and detailed and is part of the practice
and title we share. Loving is reaching a new plateau in practice and is
about how I bring my Self into the relationships I am involved in. If I
choose to express the loving part of my Self, I need to reach beyond my
fears and definitions of love. I need to be committed to the present,
and show unconditional acceptance and empathy when the child's Self
comes forward. Love is a process, a way of being, an expression that
moves and shifts as I develop my style of practice. It challenges me and
demands I consistently show a clean slate presence, without conditions,
without grudges, and with an attempt to understand each individual’s subjective experience as they tell me their story. The expression of
loving from the Self removes the barriers that may be present in respect
to allotted time for service, or the actions of the child. The “enemies” of time or monetary constraints, agendas of the agency we are employed
by, or even the “unlikeable” qualities of the child standing before us,
all present us with a choice in how we bring our Self into practice. I’m reminded of an all too familiar precept that speaks to the expression of
loving. “Love your enemies as you love yourself.” At our very core
exists the essence of loving that can withstand the difficulties we may
face in practice. Loving is a way of being, an expression of our Self
that can be realized even in the face of the challenges of our work. It
is without condition and offers the rewards of peace and freedom. Yet it
is important to remember that we cannot bring what we do not have. We
most likely need to start at the beginning in our expression of loving
before we are able to face the child, the family, and the challenges in
our work. Loving our Self.
References
Barends, A., & Harper, E. (1999). Relationships and play. International
Child and Youth Care Network. CYC-Online
, December 1999.] Available at
https://www.cyc-net.org/cycol-1299-barends.html
Denholm, C.J. (1990). Canadian Child and Youth Care 1979-1989. Youth
Stud–ies, 9(2), 51-57.
Krumboltz, J.D., & Krumboltz, H.B. (1972). Changing children's behavior.
Needham Heights, MA: Simon and Schuster, Inc.
McKeen, J., & Wong, B. (1991). To be... love-ing... to be.... Journal of
Child and Youth Care, 6(4), 73-83.
Perlman, H.H. (1979). The heart of helping people. Chicago: University
of Chi–cago Press.
Whitfield, C.L. (1989). Healing the child within. Deerfield Beach, FL:
Health Communications, Inc.
This feature: Ranahan, P. (2000). Reaching beyond caring to loving in Child and Youth Care practice. Journal of Child and Youth Care, 13 (4), pp.55-65
