Listen to this“The other day a youngster left my (restless and difficult) group in tears and it didn't take me long to realise that I had caused her distress. I had been sarcastic, unnecessarily punishing – and just plain mean to her. I feel really bad about this as this is not my normal style. What is happening to me?”
Thirty years ago people talked about the “child weariness syndrome". Ten years ago there was a lot of hype about “burn-out" – fancy names for a common condition amongst those who work on a day-by-day basis with children – teachers, hospital staff, child care workers – who have simply run out of steam, out of ideas or out of patience. People do get tired of kids.
We say to our colleagues: “I am fed up, I'm at my wit's end, I've had enough!" Our colleagues understand this feeling, but when we say this to needy children (by our actions, usually, we don't say the words) they become alarmed, because they have come to expect us to meet their needs.
I once asked a teacher to help with an afternoon project for troubled kids, thinking that he was at least someone who understood children. He said to me: “Sorry, but by four o'clock I've had enough of children!" This was simply an honest reply from someone who took his work seriously enough to pace himself in his exposure to the demands of children. He said: “I'll dig holes for you, address envelopes or light the boiler, but no more kids! That way I'll be in good shape for my class in the morning."
More give than take
Work with difficult youngsters is always more demanding than we realise.
There is always more give than take. We have to think on our feet, meet
constant demands, and often be exposed to the children's negative
feelings – of unsureness, resentment, anger. We say jokingly to our
friends “There's never a dull moment!" This is not a joke. It is a sober
fact of Child and Youth Care work which we must take seriously. Your
experience with the girl who left your group in tears is a warning to
you that your willingness to help young people in difficulty must always
be backed up with enough physical and mental energy. To go into a
session with needy children without good reserves of physical and mental
energy is risky for you, and worse than unhelpful for them. If you found
yourself being sarcastic, punitive and mean, that means that you were at
a stage where you needed to defend yourself rather than help others. You
were writing emotional cheques that were bouncing. Worse, you were not
being professional, because as a care worker the brass plate on your
door says “competent worker with at-risk children" and you were not at
the time in a position to deliver on this promise.
Ways of coping
Child care workers work under difficult conditions and answers to this
problem are not obvious or easy. Programs like ours are often short on
resources but seldom short of demanding and needy kids. Consider some “keep healthy" ideas which you may find helpful.
Make sure that you receive supervision. Everyone who works with troubled children and youth needs the regular opportunity to reflect on themselves and their practice with someone who understands the work and who shares the responsibility for delivering effective services.
Pace yourself and your timetable. Long hours doing the same things leave you depleted. But a strenuous physical session with youngsters, followed by a free period or a quieter time, makes for variety in the skills you must use, and moves you between physical, intellectual and emotional demands. Vary your activities. (An unvaried timetable for the children will also lead to boredom, irritability and restlessness – you described your group as “restless"; was this perhaps due to unhelpful timetabling?)
Add to your skills with individuals and with groups. When you recognise that things are not going well, you may be making an intelligent observation about your own practice. Is there some part of your work which you think you could be doing better? Find out where you can learn more about this.
Go for back-up. It might seem noble to soldier on by yourself, but as you have observed, it might lead to unsatisfactory outcomes. A cardinal rule for Child and Youth Care workers is “Never try to do by yourself what would be better done by three people!" There is no harm in asking a colleague for five minutes of company or relief when you feel the strain.
” ... the successful army general always spends some time looking down on the battle from a hillside.”
Balance your commitment/involvement with detachment/thought. Child care workers don't like to be cold and clinical, and their greatest skills lie within the relationships they build with youngsters. But the successful army general always spends some time looking down on the battle from a hillside. If you are not thinking about the job as much as being involved in the job, you can get lost. I think this is probably what happened to you when you acted hurtfully toward that young girl. The good sense to ask “What is going on here?" and “What is needed here?" is reassuring, in that you are seeking to retain your initiative and your perspective. Then you can also decide whether you can manage alone, or whether you must call the cavalry.
