Talking to

"I will give her a talking to!”
"I explained clearly why he shouldn’t do that.”
“She has been told exactly what we expect.”

These are commonly heard remarks which may be adequate when referring to rational adults – but which are probably expecting too much when we deal with troubled kids. Many of us who work with young people are tempted to make “rules” in our organisations, as if those rules will automatically guarantee compliance from the kids. If it were that simple, they would not have needed to be referred to a program like ours in the first place!

I recently tried to find a program to help a very troubled youngster. At one place I was told yes, they had a vacancy, but there were certain “non-negotiables” which had to be “contracted” prior to admission: the child was “not permitted to leave the premises, was not allowed to have or use any drugs, alcohol or other addictive substance, was to co-operate fully with the program and attend all required sessions, was not to verbally or physically attack either a staff member or fellow client ...” and so on.

Well, I thought, if this kid could stick to all those things, I wouldn’t be looking for a place. It sounded as silly as being told: “Welcome to the hospital – but God help you if you are sick while you're here!”

The developmental view
We must briefly remind ourselves that everyone has to travel from raw unsocialised babyhood (where they know only two emotions – dissatisfied rage and gurgling contentment, and rarely display any finesse at all in telling us how they feel!) to mature, independent adulthood.

The young people we work with have had that journey seriously interrupted, and our job is to get them back on this developmental road. And more important, nobody gets from babyhood to adulthood merely by being told what to do. They take each step only by seeing the way ahead and by experiencing for themselves the safety to do so. Anyone who is preoccupied by present anxiety gets “stuck” where they are and cannot see the way ahead. Anyone who feels vulnerable and at risk is unwilling to move forward. And this is our job: to understand and deal with the doubt and anxiety; then to be a reassuring guide accompanying the child on his or her next developmental step. It’s no good just giving them a “talking to” or stating your demands.

Also, the journey is often longer that we think it is. Even a normal youngster in mid-adolescence, who might be brilliant at languages and computers and things, may yet be functioning at more primitive levels in other areas.

Present adults
The media today are telling kids that they are independent and must make all their own choices. Many parents are made to feel that they must butt out of their kids lives and not expect ordinary family things like talking and eating together. Who said?! Even with the most OK kids, parents have to continue in their supporting role as long as necessary – and, while trying to keep the balance, never erring on the side of being unsupporting.

(Haim Ginott’s immortal words about adolescents and parents ... “Our need is to be needed. Their need is not to need us. To let go when we want to hold on requires the utmost generosity and love. Only parents are capable of such painful greatness.”) But from us as Child and Youth Care workers, much more is asked. The kids we work with are, by definition, difficult, anxious, easily seduced by quick fixes like drugs and alcohol, angry and distrustful with adults, more likely to fail, harder to reach, quicker to condemn and reject.

It is so tempting to simply tell them to shape up, “Do this, or else!” But that seldom works.

Rather, we have to be with them “and want to be with them “through their deepest despairs and darkest rages so that they feel that we are trying to understand and so that they experience our commitment and support. Of course we will convey much of this with words “but giving them a “talking to” is not enough.