Listen to thisI am often humbled by my work with young people at St Michael's, and uplifted by the miracles that happen. But human nature is such that we find it easier to “pick at the sores" rather than to remember the rest of the healthy body. I would like to share one of the good moments.
Maybe I should start by saying that having children of my own who have been given most of the things deemed necessary for a healthy, happy childhood. It is therefore so much clearer to me how very hard children in care have to work to achieve what they do – and also to understand how much our program really helps. It is this I wish to share – a difficult task because its essence is captured in those few moments when things come together, and there are many time when I wish there was an audience of all the doubters, the ones who don't understand.
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I work with Sheila and Chrissie, both in their late adolescence, both with severe emotional disturbance in their backgrounds. Sheila has been with us for some time and has pushed and pulled and tested every single limit ever set for her. She has questioned life deeply from her own perspective, which has often seemed frightening and out of sync with ours. I have stood by helplessly – and often angrily – as she tore her way through life. I must add that I have often been filled with doubt at our program's way of dealing with it all. I used my own very secure and safe way of looking at the world, with its accepted boundaries, and looked on in indignation at times, feeling I had better answers. But we all hung in there and Sheila this year has emerged from her pain-filled cocoon and joined life with a new joy.
Chrissie has only been with us a short while but already it has become apparent that her problems lie deep and her wounds cause her endless pain. She is where Sheila was some time back in her own way, and is challenging us all the way. She is desperately unhappy and has a yearning for Sheila's friendship for she feels instinctively here is someone from whom she can learn and grow. But she causes Sheila great discomfort, and probably fear, as she feels herself so newly emerged from that same dark place. But their unspoken bond is strong.
Then there is Dianne, who has been at St Michael's for a much longer time, another testimony to the successes which the program can and does achieve. A very damaged little person who often skirted the edges of insanity in her bid to escape her pain, but, with a constant caring and understanding input, she has clawed her way back to a secure place where daily she grows in strength.
These then are the three “actors' in our little miracle. Sheila spent a long time in isolation from others, as did Dianne, but in the last four months they slowly built up a good close friendship and spent many happy hours together, sharing confidences and daily experiences – a very “dangerous' and brave thing for any of our children. They make themselves so utterly vulnerable that one fears for them. But this too is the path to growth.
Now Chrissie, desperate for Sheila's friendship, thought if she became friendly with Dianne she would secure Sheila's favour. As can be expected from our comfortable seats as spectators, this was quite the last thing to do. The night I witnessed it all come together was when Sheila asked Dianne to see her in her room (first good move). I heard voices getting louder and louder, phrases like “I feel very hurt" which warmed my heart. Sheila was doing so well in translating her sore feelings into words. Poor Dianne was soon lost in confusion, having had no idea of Chrissie's intentions. I kept nearby in case I needed to intervene. However, after a while, the heat became too much for Dianne as Sheila challenged her to choose between Chrissie and her. Dianne stormed out of the room, banging the door, and rushed, quite beside herself, into the lounge and then, extremely distressed, she rushed out of the room and halfway down the stairs collapsed and started screaming in an agony of pain and confusion.
After calming her down her staff member walked away with her while I returned to find Sheila having a quiet conversation in her room with Chrissie. When this was over Sheila asked me into her room and explained that Chrissie had told her of her intentions in getting friendly with Dianne (another good move).
She had calmed down and explained very clearly that the situation was untenable for her. We had a discussion about our own responsibility in risking confidences with someone and the fear of loss of control over one's own pain once shared.
She decided to go and talk to Dianne again. I phoned Dianne's child care worker to check that this was okay and she went over. Later Dianne asked me if she could see Chrissie and by the time my shift ended, I found all three quietly discussing the whole issue in Sheila's room. This picture of these three most fragile human beings sitting in a little circle on the carpet sorting out their problems with reason will shine brightly in my memory always. How many children with “normal' backgrounds are capable of this? This is our gift to them and one that will stand them in good stead all their lives.
