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Since it's founding in 1997, the CYC-Net discussion group has been asked thousands of questions. These questions often generate many replies from people in all spheres of the Child and Youth Care profession and contain personal experiences, viewpoints, as well as recommended resources.
Below are some of the threads of discussions on varying Child and Youth Care related topics.
Questions and Responses have been reproduced verbatim.
Listen to thisHi there, my name is Sharon Mayson and I am
currently enrolled in the Child and Youth Care diploma program. I am
currently doing a project involving issues faced in the Child and Youth Care
field. I am inquiring to find out people's opinions in regards to whether is
it is okay to date a fellow co-worker or not in a residential setting. Your
opinions would be greatly appreciated and I look forward to hearing from
you. Thanks!
Sharon
...
A good question. I believe a lot of factors come into play with regards to
this issue. The first is obvious to me and I believe the most important,
maturation. Depending on the individuals and the work environment, they
should be able to separate a work relationship from a colleague
relationship, from an intimate one. The rationale for why I believe this can
work is due to my partner in life becoming my co-worker, who later left for
a similar and challenging position. We both continue to work directly with
children as well as teach at the community college level. My partner is a
very well respected and supportive colleague in the community, as well as an
amazing resource to yours truly. After 24 years we continue to be able to
manage a respectful working relationship which is separate from our intimate
one. So I do believe that it is appropriate to date a colleague, however be
sure that you can be respectful of one another, are aware of the boundaries
and have the maturity to recognize the limitations while at work.
Ron
...
This is an interesting question and one that is often covered within agency
policy. My general feeling is that it is not good practice to date a
colleague, although the nature of the work often leads to strong bonds
between workmates which may lead to dating. It is unethical however for
someone in a position of power to date a person they supervise. This should
be policy if it is not already. In a climate of fear around workplace sexual
harassment and in understanding the nature of power and it's impact on
others, it should be clearly communicated that this is not acceptable.
Duane
...
Dating at work happens in all fields, Child and Youth Care is no different. People are
attracted to others with similar values and interests. Problems arise with
break-ups, etc. In a residential setting if two co-workers choose to date. I
think they need to make adjustments at the work place for the residents best
interests. Example- work in separate program areas, cottages or locations.
A. Hachkowski
...
I hope that there's nothing wrong with dating someone you work with. I just
got married to a person that I work with. I dated her for almost two years
(before marriage) while both of us were working at the same place. There
were probably more problems with the adults we work with than with the kids.
I don't believe that we shared immediately with the clients that we were
dating and kept it pretty separate from work, but over time they figured it
out. I work at a RTC and strongly feel that the kids won't get hurt to bad
by people who role model good/positive relationships for them. I've been in
field for 12 years now and have known of others who have followed similar
paths.
We heard nothing but positives from all the kids we work with. I suppose
that every case might be a bit different.
Hope this helps,
Jeff & Jennifer
...
Hi,
O.K., you asked for opinions... NO, I do not think co-workers should date. I
do understand that working in residential treatment, many of the staff work
2nd shift, 40 or more hours per week and develop attractions for the people
they spend a great deal of stressful time with. Early in my career I dated
co-workers.
1. it rarely works out. eventually you break up and it may be difficult to
work together.
2. THE CLIENTS KNOW. you think you are being discreet, but our clients spend
much of their time watching us...more than we watch us, more than we think
they are watching.
3. It is a boundary issue...Being a manager now, i have had the opportunity
to see how relationships effect the team, program and shifts. Even if the
attitudes are positive those attitudes/feelings, whatever affect EVERYONE.
More often than not, something negative has come of 2 staff dating. No, it
does not sabotague anyone therapuetic progress, but it draws attention away
from the kids, away from the job.
I have seen men become protective of the female co-workers they are dating
and their response to the clients change.
Consequences become more punitive, physical interventions become a little
more forceful... Jealousy becomes a factor between co-workers, (and usually
that jealousy is based on misperceptions).
In general it is bad practice and, in my opinion, it is unprofessional to
bring your personal life into the workplace (to that extent). It is too
close...the rest of us do not bring our romantic relationships to work, we
don't bring our personal issues to work. Dating a co-worker, having that
kind of romantic, personal relationship with a co-worker brings a lot of
personal stuff to the workplace. And as much as people think they hide it or
do not show their affections, it is noticed.
Hope this helps
Tammy
...
In my opinion, I think it would be OK as long as it is done in a
professional manner. The rules need to be the same for youth as they are for
adults. The relationship needs to stay away from work therefore, not
effecting the youth and staff. If there are policies regarding staff not
allowed to date other staff, this should be respected, or even discussed
with a supervisor. Like almost everything, voice feelings with respect and
honesty. It could even be good for the youth to see what a proper
relationship looks like. I guess it all depends on the setting and
surroundings involved. I hope I helped a little bit.
Good luck,
Candice
...
Hi Sharon,
I appreciate the theme of putting in rules around how WE! will react to
dating. You will not stop "Love" from being present.
Creating rules that attempt to stop it will create people to come together
more around resenting the rule. I like what Duane said about understanding
why we are in reaction to having love present ...anywhere. I see job
performance issues differently than I see dating co-workers. If dating
co-workers is a job performance issue, vis a vis a code of conduct for
example, then it must be addressed. If "not being present" in a residential
setting is an unwelcomed theme and therefore a job performance issue then
notwithstanding the reason this must be addressed. There are lots of reasons
why two people who work together may not be present and do good work (be
effective) other than dating ... how about hating? Are we able to say,
"There will be no hating allowed!" "There will be no daydreaming allowed",
"There will be no talking on the phone allowed". Is dating in the workplace
good or bad??? It just is, and will always be present and if it does go away
what kind of environment exits then? Pure professionalism? Perhaps stale and
unfeeling, without passion. Having run on like a bad engine I'll finish by
saying job performance issues must be noticed and offered back.
Cheers
Ernie
...
I am currently dating someone in the workplace and it does present
difficulties. I am willing to pass on information or reply to questions. I
have a lot of opinions about this topic. Please contact my e-mail at:
happyphantom14@yahoo.com. My name is Heidi Arnott and I am currently
employed at The Children's Home in Tampa FL. Please let me know how I can
help you.
Heidi
...
It has always seemed to me that there are two issues involved in the 'dating
someone at work' discussion. Both are in the area of what we might call
boundaries. First is the question of the 'couple's', ability, or lack of it,
to make distinctions about 'what belongs where' so that issues of the couple
sub-system do not adversely affect the work-place system and work
performance. Loyalties, protectionism, conflict of interest, degrees of
intimacy, things like that. In this case, it is a question, I think, of
knowing and monitoring ones-self.
The second is the 'perception of others' within the workplace. How people
perceive the relationship between the couple as it relates to work and work
performance. In this case it seems to me that attention to the relationship
which we have with others, and the health of the team, is an important
variable.
Often the importance and impact of an intimate relationship with those with
whom we work seems to be related to the proximity of our working
relationship and position. Being a 'couple' working as members of the same
team in a residential environment, for example, is more difficult that being
a couple who work for the same agency but in different programs. It also
would be affected by the positions each member of the couple holds within
the organisation.
The real issue seems to me to be one, not of who we are 'in relation with'
but how we are 'in relation with'. After all, as Ernie has pointed out, the
same issues can arise in other relationships in the work environment – love,
hate, presence, alliances, coalitions, etc. These can affect us all whether
we are dating or not. The 'dating' parts seems to get us all excited for
some reason. Perhaps it is because we bring some sense of our own struggles
to the issue. So, here's another spin . . . if two members of a team are
dating, and people worry that this is affecting the team, will it be better,
then, if they were to separate?
tg
...
It occurred to me after reading all of the responses to the "dating"
question that if dating co-workers is seen as o.k. it MAY open the door to
other issues. I am speaking of, for example, nepotism. So many people in
this field, it seems, are married or related somehow and it creates
incidents of perceived favoritism, untrustworthiness.
Example: a senior manager has a daughter working as line staff...what
happens when that daughter is faced with disciplinary action or termination.
Do the workers perceive that senior manager has some vested interest and can
have impact on the outcome of his/her daughter's situation?
A director is hired by the COO. The COO makes it known that he has been
friends with this new Director for 20 years and their kids play together.
What if there is a complaint about that director? Will it be taken in the
same manner as any other complaint or is there a bias? I believe the dating
question is similar, in that are we talking dating between 2 co-workers in
the same department or different departments? 2 co-workers with the same
job, or is one in a supervisory position and one is line staff? If dating in
the workplace is permitted, all of these questions (and many more) must be
considered.
Tamara Robinson
...
Dating co-workers in residential care is usually not the greatest idea,
however, since many people meet on the job, it is also something that cannot
totally be avoided. I feel the bigger picture is relationships in general at
work. Youth Care workers who are close friends can be problematic as well,
as well as anyone who decides their role is of protector or 'voice of the
people'. It comes down to understanding relationship, and having a degree of
maturity to keep things outside of work, outside. It also means open
discussion in team meetings about the meaning of relationship, and a
willingness to be open on the subject.
Mark
...
Not only is dating immediate co-workers questionable, the workplace after
breaking up with a co-worker would really be awkward.
Ken
...
Dating a co-worker does not have to be a problem if both parties conduct
their behavior in a professional manner. At the facility I work in there
have been relationships that interfered with job performance and
relationships that did not. Last October I married a co-worker that I dated
for two and a half years. When we announced our engagement at work people
were shocked because they did not even know we were dating. I feel if you
are dedicated to your job and want to do what is best for the children, your
focus at work will be on the children, and not your own personal life.
Maturity, professionalism, and dedication are the key factors in balancing
work and personal life. I also find that if all staff do not have the three
key factors, their personal life will intrude on their work performance due
to numerous interruptions like phone calls, visits and venting to
co-workers. Teaching the importance of job duties and meeting the needs of
the children should help staff realize that the example they set at work
will have an impact on the children.
Tina
...
Thanks for sharing Mark (yesterday's mail). I like your input. This is an
important topic and one that is not discussed enough.
Donna Johnny
