“Mom! Mom! Watch this!”
“Look at what I made!”
“Did you see me, Dad?”
If you’ve been around kids much, you know these kinds of requests occur like clockwork. Kids are constantly asking us to pay attention to them—from proudly showing us a stick-figure crayon drawing to making sure we’re looking before they jump a whole two inches off the ground.
These requests might seem trivial, but child development research shows they may be an instinctual part of children seeking connection. Children want us to see their block towers and somersault attempts because it allows them to learn the social, language, and emotional skills that come from interacting with other humans. Our attention is a powerful developmental tool.
But winning our attention can be a tough battle; today, kids are competing with the endless entertainment and constant interruptions of the digital world. Researchers call it “technoference” when technology interrupts everyday interactions, and parent-child relationships are no exception.
Do these interruptions matter? According to two studies we recently conducted, yes.
Mothers' Media Use and Child Language Development
One study examined how mothers’ digital media use influenced their toddlers’ language environment. We found that mothers who spent the least time on TV, social media, texting, and video games used more descriptive language and engaged in more back-and-forth conversations with their toddlers. In other words, spending less time on devices seemed to create more opportunities for the kind of rich, responsive interactions that help children develop language.
And honestly, it makes sense. Phones so easily divide our attention at just the click of a button or swipe of a screen—even when we’re trying to be responsive. Most of us can probably relate to offering an absent-minded “mm-hmm” before realizing we didn’t quite hear. These distracted moments are normal, but when they become too frequent, young children experience fewer words, fewer conversations, and fewer chances to engage and learn.
Of course, not all media use is equally disruptive. In fact, further results suggested that the type of media used matters, not just how much it’s used. In our study, mothers who used little media, moderate amounts of media, or even high levels of social media and texting spoke more around their children and had more back-and-forth conversations with them than mothers who reported especially high video game use. We can’t say that video games caused these differences, but the pattern suggests that some types of media may pull parents’ attention away from children more than others.
Children's Perspectives on Parental Media Use
A second study also looked at parent media use but instead focused on children’s perspectives. The results showed that not only are children aware of which form of media their parents use and how much, but they’re also opinionated about it. Kids notice when parents’ media use interferes with their relationships, when it becomes overuse, how it impacts their home life, and how it makes them feel.
Kids commented on their parents being on devices “all day long” and told our research team about being ignored or having their requests to play denied, only to see their parent absorbed in a device instead. They described having to ask parents to stop using devices to make breakfast or play with them and getting the dreaded, “Just five more minutes.”
Why Children's Awareness of Screen Time Matters
Why does it matter that kids notice these screen-centered moments? Because from their perspective, screens are prioritized over them. Kids were sad and annoyed at the inescapability of coming up against their parent on a device. They felt replaced by games and videos. They described feeling forgotten or invisible because “Mum is watching her phone” or “Dad was on his tablet” or “They are focused on their games instead of us.”
Whether parents are using devices for video games, Duolingo, family scheduling, or work, these comments point to the reality that children—as oblivious as they may be to their own backward shirt or mismatched shoes—notice their parents’ media use. And they pick up on when their parents choose to spend time on devices instead of with them, often leading to real feelings of sadness and unimportance.
Both these findings and those mentioned earlier show that attention may be more important for children’s development than we sometimes realize. Watching your 6-year-old go down the slide or turning away from a new mobile game to talk to your toddler might seem insignificant but can have consequences for their language progression, relationship development, feelings of being valued, and more.
Strategies for Reducing "Technoference"
Families can’t eliminate every instance of technoference, nor do they need to. But they can benefit from clear communication and boundaries around technology use. Parents can be mindful of how and when they use their devices, especially during the moments when children are most likely to seek or need connection. Setting aside media-free times and spaces—perhaps at meals, playtime, or bedtime—can create more opportunities for the conversations, responsiveness, and shared experiences that children crave.
Kids don't need parents who never touch technology. They need parents who watch what they can do, look at what they made, and make them feel seen. They need parents who are fully present when they need them and who have their full attention to offer.
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