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SpontaneityOne of the attractive qualities of people whom we enjoy being with is spontaneity. We may describe such people as fresh, alive and free. At a more serious level, spontaneity is one of the trademarks of mental health, and for many it is a hard quality to achieve.
People are "spontaneous" when they can respond naturally and without inhibition or anxiety to things that happens around them. They can laugh at what is funny, sympathise with what is hurtful, consider appropriately what is serious.
Many of our clients, whether children, youth or families, show less spontaneity. They have to think first when they are presented with some idea, query or event. A history of conditional acceptance, or worse, of punishment or rejection, leaves them more watchful, more self-protective, less self-assured in responding in their day-to-day environment. Will it be safe to agree or disagree, to answer or not answer, to laugh or remain non-committal? Our very role in the life space of our clients is to provide a rational environment, a reasonable environment, which has no hidden threats or arbitrary and unpredictable consequences. It is to build self-knowledge and self confidence by relating, responding, informing. It is to generate responsibility by teaching, permitting, expecting. It is to build self-acceptance by acknowledging, reflecting, loving.
So often people in our field prescribe behaviour, demand conformity, expect compliance, as if this alone will achieve the goals of our program. This is no more than continued threat and conditional approval. They forget the detailed curriculum necessary in the client’s life space, the hard work, the daily experience of reassurance and opportunity and encouragement – without which we cannot expect healthier functioning in kids and parents.
There is worse. However unfashionable the idea may be these days, much of the fear and anxiety which prevents spontaneity is buried deep. Many people deny and "forget" their worst experiences – they can’t bear even to think about them. When confronted by a situation which threatens to raise some of their horrors, they freeze or panic or run. We are no longer in the realm of social "comfort zones" or personal embarrassment, but dealing with people who have become "stuck" at hard places on their road. With "no go" areas in their minds, spontaneity is impossible for them. Their inner feelings of terror or guilt or whatever can only be untangled in environments and relationships which are ultimately safe, which pose no further threat. You and I work at this level with many of our children and young people and family members. When people can "look" at such issues in their lives and better see them for what they are, they can once again live their daily lives with more equanimity. There may still be pain and uncertainty, but they know that, and can consciously factor it into their everyday encounters and interactions.
In our practice today we recognise those who are reserved, tentative and anxious. We make sure that they get the space and time and the experiences to build knowledge and trust in themselves so that, in time, they can lower their defences and get to be present in their world – with more spontaneity.
