The complete set of 198 Hints are available in paperback from the CYC-Net Press store.
Listen
Taking ... and givingWe do so often end up with opposing adversarial systems in residential programs, don’t we. It gets to look like union negotiations if we’re not careful. The kids are pushing for later bedtimes, more pocket money, fewer rules, better food; and we are quick with privilege cuts, less TV time and groundings. Tit for tat ... all rather predictable. And it contributes to a most undesirable attitude set for kids to take into in the real world: How can I get the most bang for my buck with the least input?
We adults have more responsibility and opportunity than the kids to blur the hard edges of this contest.
Firstly, one of the most powerful things we adults offer to young people is the experience that our affection, attention and approval do not have to be earned. This generosity on our part is what every kid on earth needs and what so many troubled or troubling kids never yet received. It lies at the heart of the idea of unconditional positive regard. It means showing them that they are lovable and loved just the way they are.
Secondly, we can create for young people the opportunities to give something of themselves to others – again unearned. "The old folks home down the road needs some painting done: any volunteers?" "Chris is needing a little coaching on kicking a football: you’re best at that in this place, can you help out?" "I need some nails knocked into those floorboards: you got a few minutes to come help me with that?" "You know anything about changing a wheel – can you show me how?"
In our practice today we want to avoid the quid pro quo style of trading good behaviour and privileges. We are heading towards maturity and independence for our kids, whereby their behaviour is, in itself, effective and rewarding for them. We don’t teach this by using unhealthy contingent rewards, puppeteering them with "if you do this we will do this" bribes. What impoverished characters we build who act only if they "get something" for what they give, or receive only because they have had to pay for something.
How nice that they find a surprise chocolate bar or
movie ticket on their pillow one morning just because. How nice that kids
may say "Let me fix that for you" just because. This is the human
commerce we should be building for their futures as adults and partners and
parents.
See also: The Caring Response at
https://www.cyc-net.org/CYC-Online
/cycol-0902-caring.html
