CYC-Net

CYC-Net on Facebook CYC-Net on Twitter Search CYC-Net

Join Our Mailing List

CYC-Online
128 OCTOBER 2009
ListenListen to this

TRUTHS AND HALF TRUTHS

WOW! Try THIS!

Nils Ling

Today “like every day “I opened up my email and was greeted by a flood of spam.

My mother thinks it’s nice that people spend me Spam in the mail. She thinks it’s a very generous gesture. –You must save a lot of money on luncheon meat,” she says. This from the woman who, when we all chipped in to buy her a computer, refused to learn how to use it because she didn’t want to catch a virus.

–You kids have fun internetting each other,” she said. –I spent a long time learning penmanship in grade school, and I don’t think I need to learn anything new.”

As frustrating as it is not to be able to drop my mom an e-mail now and again, I’ve come to realize that there are certain people in this world who really shouldn’t have a computer. Among them are certain friends of mine who are forever forwarding me offers that sound way too good to be true.

The e-mails always start with the same line: “Hey, I don’t know if this will work, but it’s worth a try ...”.

Well, to those friends, I say: I don’t know if this will work, but it’s worth a try: how about not flooding the e-mail inbox of every single acquaintance you have with amazing offers that would make even the most gullible fan of professional wrestling say “Are you kidding me? Someone believed that?”

No, really. My cousin, Earl Mudpucker, is a lawyer, and he says that if you try this “something so simple as NOT clicking “forward” “then you stand a better than even chance that your friends will actually NOT block future e-mails from you! It really is that easy!

Because today, once again, some person I know forwarded me that moronic e-mail from “A real attorney” who says that Microsoft is testing a “new Beta E-mail Program” and will give you $245 for every e-mail you forward. Or something like that. I mean, my eyes glazed over with the words “Bill Gates will give you ...”

Bill Gates is not giving you, me, or anybody any money. Seriously. Think about it. He is the richest man ever in the history of the world. The man can buy the Louvre and use the Mona Lisa as his bathroom wallpaper. I’m going to go out on a limb and say he quite possibly didn’t get rich by giving away money to people he doesn’t know. Just a hunch here.

Can you even imagine being in the boardroom at Microsoft, and they’re about to wind up the meeting, and Bill Gates says “Anybody have anything else they want to talk about?”

In the back, some guy proudly sticks his hand up and says, “I have a wacky idea, but it just might work. Let’s give BILLIONS of dollars away!”

“What, give billions of dollars away ... to just .. anybody?” says Bill, clearly baffled.

–No!” he shouts, triumphantly. “That’s the beauty of my plan. We’ll only give billions of dollars away to people who FORWARD E-MAILS!”

“BRILLIANT!” shouts Bill Gates, as he secretly reaches under the desk and pushes the button that summons Security. “We’ll get right on that!”

Honestly, people. There are several hundred million people on the internet. As rich as he is, Bill Gates can’t even afford to take them all out to the movies on cheap night, let alone give each of them thousands of dollars. Even if it IS a “write-off”.

While we’re at it, that kid in England or Ireland or Australia who is dying and wants to be in the Guinness Book of Records for receiving the most e-mails? He’s dead. Yep, he croaked last year. Sad, really. He was making a recovery, but then someone came in with sacks and sacks of e-mails and dumped them on his bed and the life was crushed from his body. And now he resides in that special corner of hell reserved for people who forward idiot hoax e-mails to all their friends.

People, listen to me: the “Teddy Bear Virus” is not going to eat your computer. N–Kele Bisi of Nigeria is not going to ask you to babysit $230 million U.S.. There is no pill to make your private parts grow to the size of Rhode Island. Bill Gates is not going to give you money.

If it’s on the internet and it sounds to good to be true, here’s a little rule of thumb: “IT IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!!!”

OK, that’s my little rant for the day. Please, go back to waiting for your cheque from Bill Gates. (Hold your breath. Get someone to put duct tape over your mouth and nose. It will save poor Bill several thousands of dollars. And the gene pool will be that much less muddy.)

But if you do still feel a need to forward these messages, we may have to take your computer away. If you've forgotten your penmanship, my mom can teach you. As long as you don’t give her a virus.

This feature: From Nils Ling’s book Truths and Half Truths. A collection of some of his most memorable and hilarious columns.

The International Child and Youth Care Network
THE INTERNATIONAL CHILD AND YOUTH CARE NETWORK (CYC-Net)

Registered Public Benefit Organisation in the Republic of South Africa (PBO 930015296)
Incorporated as a Not-for-Profit in Canada: Corporation Number 1284643-8

P.O. Box 23199, Claremont 7735, Cape Town, South Africa | P.O. Box 21464, MacDonald Drive, St. John's, NL A1A 5G6, Canada

Board of Governors | Constitution | Funding | Site Content and Usage | Advertising | Privacy Policy | Contact us

iOS App Android App