Listen to thisIt was 1984. In that year, I had two things ‘forced down my throat’ against my will. The first was a program based primarily on social skills training. The other was a prohibition against restricting children for more than one or two days, regardless of their behavior. In combination, these led to a most successful program.
As the new director of a program for 32 adolescent boys, I had taken months to get the program in shape, reducing staff turnover, calming the milieu, developing a point system, setting up a council of residents to plan activities and even to help hire staff. I had put in many long hours. It was just beginning to pay off. Then, along came Mary. The agency had just created a new staff education department and assigned Mary as the trainer for my program. I had known Mary for years in another agency. I always liked her as a congenial and competent colleague and was looking forward to working with her.
Mary met with me and told me she wanted to put in a curriculum to teach social skills to the boys and the trains us to each the skills. I was ok with that. Then she dropped the bomb. She was going to base the point system entirely on social skills. Boys would get points or lose points only for their use or failure to use these social skills. She was going to change my point system!!!
I was outraged. I argued a bit. Ok, a lot. Then Mary handed me a sheet of paper with the skills and asked me, “John, look at these skills. If the boys are doing all of these skills to these criteria, what problems could you possibly have?”
I looked over the skills and their behavioral definitions, my mind
racing to find the flaws in her approach, to find the problems for which
these skills could not provide. I couldn’t think of even one. Can you?
I realized that these behaviorally defined skills were what I had been
looking for over the years, the competing behaviors that behavioral
psychologists talk about, the behaviors that make other undesirable
behavior impossible.
For example, sitting quietly in one’s seat is a competing behavior for running around the classroom. One can’t run around and sit quietly at the same time. (My kindergarten teacher knew this in 1950. She taught us to take our seats when she gave the signal. She never had to tell us to stop when we became rowdy, only to take our seats. It was a tough school in a poor neighborhood, yet she had few problems with behavior.)
Mary had me. I could find no flaws. (I still haven’t found any, unless it is that they do not cover substance abuse or consensual sex.) We developed a point system around these skills and Mary began training staff. The results were, to say the least, disappointing. The staff never really got on board. Consequently, neither did the boys.
Some months later, I accepted a position as director of another program, a group home for twelve boys. The program had ample resources and paid well enough to require bachelor’s degrees for all child care staff.
It was in this program that I had another thing “forced down my throat” against my will. In a meeting with the Executive Director during my first week, I was expressing some of my ideas. The program was a bit rowdy; changes were needed. I said something about my belief that a few serious misbehaviors such as aggression, substance abuse, and theft, called for restrictions of one or two weeks–not room restrictions, just restrictions from major privileges–playing pool, watching TV, home passes, going out without supervision. The Executive Director said that children could not handle restrictions of more than a day. Shocked, I replied that a one day restriction for hitting staff was ridiculous. He got really red in the face (Oooops!) and said, “Nevertheless, all they can handle is a day or two.” So I got two days, but I knew I would have to reargue my case later.
I revised the point system together with some of the staff, basing it almost exclusively on Mary’s social skills, and trained the staff in teaching the skills and using the point system. The staff accepted the program; the boys embraced it. Most privileges were available regardless of points. Only a few privileges were tied to points–playing pool or pinball or making phone calls beyond 5 minutes to parents (because of limited availability and free time, we had to ration these privileges by some means), going outside without supervision (children who are not doing well need supervision), and extra home passes (everyone got one home pass per month regardless of points, but children who are not doing well need treatment more than they need home passes–they’ll can’t get discharged until they don’t respond to treatment. Besides, weekend activities were pretty exciting, including things such as driving go carts.). With everyone on board, it worked remarkably well. All children earned these privileges most of the time.
After a few months, I began to think about rearguing my case for longer restrictions. Funny. I could find no ammunition – we were having remarkably few serious misbehaviors. It seems that our teaching of social skills coupled with a non-punitive environment was most effective. I thought about it and realized that children cannot feel successful while they are serving a restriction. One or two weeks is a long time to go without feeling success. So my new boss was right. We want children feeling good and doing good, not serving punishments. Punishments interfere with feeling good. They make children feel bad. Children who are feeling bad about themselves are not very good learners.
The Rationale For Teaching Social Skills
How many times had I worked with children and gotten them motivated to do well in school, then sent them off to school only to be sent home before lunch, sometimes within the first hour? One of the problems is that it takes more than motivation to do well. One must have the necessary skills. Then one must have confidence in one’s ability to use those skills, and trust in the world that when one uses those skills, things will work out as expected.
Children and adolescents like to learn.Mastery of a skill can be very satisfying. Children who have spent their whole lives in opposition to authority have often not learned fairly basic skills, so that they do not know how to behave well and cannot do so no matter how much they want to.
Social skills such as following instructions, accepting criticism, respecting others, and many more, can be behaviorally defined and taught. Once children learn these skills, they are empowered with the choice of whether or not to use them. When children use these skills, they cannot misbehave–most misbehaviors are incompatible. Moreover, these social skills are self-reinforcing – they tend to result in social reinforcement whenever children use them.
Consider ‘following instructions.’ Children who have trouble following instructions develop a reputation. Adults know they have problems with instructions and become apprehensive whenever they have to give an instruction to these kids, perhaps even angry, anticipating the problems they are going to have. Meanwhile, the kids, now motivated to do well, including following instructions from the teacher, all of a sudden find an angry teacher in their face. They perceive the anger before they perceive the instruction. They don’t understand why the adult is angry and respond to the anger before they can process the instruction. Adults, meanwhile, have their expectations of problems confirmed. A big scene ensues.
When kids do not have the skills associated with following instructions, it is difficult for them to do so even when they want to. Teaching children the skills and providing ample opportunities to practice the skills empowers children. Without the skills, children have no choice. They cannot follow instructions well, even when they want to. With the skills, children have a choice. They can still decide not to follow an instruction, but now they can also choose to follow an instruction appropriately.
Following instructions requires more than just doing it. It requires acknowledging the instruction, perhaps with an ‘ok,’ to let adults (or supervisors) know you are going to do it. This stops adults from to feeling anxious or angry and stops the lectures, the overselling that so often accompanies instructions to these kids. Then it involves doing the instruction pleasantly rather than stomping away with a scowl while mumbling and grumbling.
And finally, checking back to let adults know the instruction has been completed. Children who use these skills reasonably well are likely to receive a pleasant “Thank you,” or the ever-popular “Good job!” (I hate “good job;” it’s demeaning.) Children who stomp away with a scowl to do the instruction are likely to experience nothing but a return scowl, no matter how well they perform the task.
“Accepting criticism” is another example of a skill with which some children (and adults) experience problems. The scenario is similar to that of following instructions. Adults know certain children have trouble with criticism. These kids get extremely defensive and emotional when they are criticized. Children can perceive criticism as extremely threatening, especially when their experiences with criticism often involve angry adults, screaming and yelling, and blows or other harsh punishments. Gary is just one example:
Gary was one of our most motivated boys. A seventh grader, he was on grade level and earning respectable grades. But he had problems with criticism. One morning, he stopped at the drinking fountain between classes and got to talking with some peers.
The bell rang. He ran immediately to class and got there just as the teacher was closing the door. The teacher said, “You’re late.” Gary got defensive. The teacher said some more and so did Gary. The teacher sent Gary to the office. Gary continued to be defensive. The principal called us to pick up Gary for the day, to return for a conference the next morning. All because Gary was less than a minute late to class? No. All because Gary could not accept criticism. All he had to do was say, “I’m sorry,” to the teacher’s first very mild criticism. But Gary tended to make a big deal out of everything, even when no one else did. (Gary did eventually learn to accept criticism along with other skills, but it was indeed a challenge for both him and the staff. Years later, he had his own business.)
Accepting criticism can be a problem not only with adults and authority figures but also with peers, leading to arguments and fights. Criticism does not have to be threatening or dangerous. The skill as defined does not even require that children make any changes in response to the criticism. All it requires is that they listen to and understand the criticism and acknowledge that they have heard it without “a song and dance,” as my mother was fond of saying.
Teaching Social Skills
Boys Town offers two strategies for teaching social skills (The Social Skills Model that Mary used was developed at Girls and Boys Town for use in their residential facilities and schools. Mary had been trained at Boys Town).
These strategies, however, are quite similar.
Planned Teaching
The steps:
The Teaching Interaction
The steps:
A Sample Teaching Interaction
Staff: Larry, it’s time to take out the trash.
Larry: (Continues talking with another resident.)
Staff: (In a ‘teacher’ voice.) Larry.
Larry: (Continues talking.)
Staff: (Walks over and puts his hand on Larry’s shoulder). Larry.
Larry: (Turns and looks at staff). Yes.
Staff: It’s time to take out the trash.
Larry: Awww, Man!
Staff: Larry, are you having a problem with the instruction I just gave you?
Larry: (Looking at peers.) I’m having a whole lot of problems around here!
Staff: (Calmly.) Let’s go to you room. (Turns and walks to Larry’s room.)
Larry: (Hesitates, then follows.)
Staff: (In the room.) May I sit?
Larry: I guess so.
Staff: (Sits on roommate’s bed.) Thank you. You’ve been having a pretty good week. You’re starting to make friends. (Positive statements.) Do you remember the steps to following instructions? You learned them last week.
Larry: Yeah. I guess so. (Sits on his bed.)
Staff: Good. What’s the first step?
Larry: Uh, listen, I guess.
Staff: Good. Then what.
Larry: Go and do it.
Staff: Well, of course we want you to do it. But don’t forget that it’s important to look at the person. To make eye contact.
Larry: Oh, yeah.
Staff: And it’s also ok to ask questions if you don’t understand. If something’s not clear.
Larry: (Nods.) Uh-huh.
Staff: And it’s really important to say “ok.” That solves a lot of problems. I bet when your mom asks you to do something it’s always a big deal with a long lecture. (Empathy.)
Larry: (Looks at staff.) Yeah. She’s always hassling me.
Staff: Well. She probably expects a problem. When you say “ok” she knows you’re going to do it. That helps to stop some of the problems you’ve been having with instructions.
Larry: Ok.
Staff: Good. So first, you look at the person. Then, you listen. If you don’t understand, you may ask questions. When you understand, you say “ok.” Then what?
Larry: Go and do it.
Staff: That’s right Good. And remember to do it pleasantly. Then, what’s the last step?
Larry: Uh, check back?
Staff: Great! When you check back, that lets them know that you’ve done the instruction and gives you a chance to fix anything that you might have missed. And it may earn you a “Thank you.” I bet you don’t get many “thank you’s.”
Larry: I guess not.
Staff: Ok, now let’s try it. Hand me that piece of paper over there.
Larry: (Looks at the staff.) You mean this one?
Staff: Yes.
Larry: Hands staff the paper.
Staff: Great! But remember to say “ok.” And to check back.
Larry: Ok.
Staff: Let’s try again. Hand me that pencil.
Larry: (Looks at the staff.) Ok. (Hands staff the pencil.) Is that all?
Staff: Yes. Thank you! That’s great! You got all the steps. You looked at me, said ok, did it pleasantly, and checked back. Perfect!
Larry: (Smiles sheepishly.)
Staff: Now, I still need you to take out the trash.
Larry: Ok.
Staff: Thank you. (Goes to the office.)
Larry: (Leaves to take out the trash. and checks in with staff when he’s finished.)
Staff: Thank you. Now go to the kitchen and get us each a glass of juice.
Larry: (Smiling). Ok.
Feelings and Emotions
When children simply don’t know what to do, teaching them the necessary skills may be sufficient. When emotions come into play, more may be necessary. For children who become upset when dealing with instructions or criticism, simply teaching them the requisite skills and giving them ample opportunities to practice may help to desensitize them to instructions and criticism, to learn that these thing do not have to be threatening or dangerous, and to help them build confidence in their ability to master these things. Punishment does not help this process.
Temper can be an entirely different matter. Children’s loss of temper usually involves one or both of:
There are often serious behavioral problems–yelling, screaming, cursing, hitting, kicking, spitting, biting, smashing things. When children simply don’t know what to do when they are overwhelmed by strong emotions, behavioral interventions that are designed to help them learn to talk about their feelings may be sufficient, provided children feel they have permission to have these feelings and there is someone to listen. Reinforcing successive approximations may help.
(Hint: We can’t reinforce successive approximations at the same time we are using punishment strategies.) Screaming and yelling and cursing is a successive approximation to talking calmly for children who have been hitting and kicking and biting and smashing things. We can’t punish them for screaming and cursing and provide reinforcement for their controlling their physical aggression.
Punishment and reinforcement are ‘competing behaviors’ – you can’t do one at the same time you are doing the other.
When loss of temper is a symptom of serious underlying problems, appropriate behavioral interventions may still be beneficial, but they will not be sufficient.
Included among these children are those who are chronically angry. For these children, anger is not a temporary emotion; it is a pervasive mood. These children can be excellent at suppressing their anger and may look perfectly fine when they are engaged in an activity. It is when nothing is going on, when they are sitting quietly by themselves, perhaps in a waiting room, that one sees the sullen, angry expression on their faces. Such children require a thorough assessment and therapy.
Final Thoughts
Psychologists have demonstrated convincingly that behavior is controlled by its consequences. Children have demonstrated just as convincingly that their behavior is not controlled by the consequences arranged by adults.
Social behavior is not controlled by rewards and punishments,
but rather by social consequences. Helping children to understand those
consequences empowers them to control their own behavior.
When adults
tell children what the expected behavior is, and then tell them what the
punishment will be, they are communicating an expectation that the
children will fail. Why else would they threaten children with
punishment?
When adults tell children what the expected behavior is without mentioning rewards or punishments, they are communicating their confidence, trust, and expectation that children will succeed.
When adults teach children what the appropriate behavior is, help them understand why it is important, and coach them in developing the necessary skills, they become allies instead of adversaries.
The only discipline that lasts is self-discipline. — O. A. “Bum” Phillips, American Football Coach
Reference
Dowd, T., & Tierney, J. (1992). Teaching social skills to youth: A curriculum for child-care providers. Boys Town, NB: Boys Town Press.
